It won’t be wrong to say that I have battled some sort of mental health issues my whole life. It is high time that I accept this fact, or else this illness will not only jeopardize my coming days but will put a dent in all my goals and ambitions. So, what is it today? I cry for help? I plea from my innermost dilemmas to all of you reading this — to tell me that you all have faced this in one way or the other? I don’t know what this is or how this is going to help here.
I know a few things:
I have terrible delusional thoughts.
There is a part in me that has never resonated with the others.
Before I talk about my journey (ongoing), let me explain these two segments in detail.
Delusional Thoughts
Haha! I think you are not here. You are not reading this. No one is reading this. I am just sitting here in my bedroom, writing these lines and reading on your behalf. You don’t exist. You have never existed before I thought of you. My thoughts and presence are what make you stronger and, in some cases — REAL.
How long have I had these thoughts? For as long as I can remember. Why do I have these thoughts? I don’t know — they come and go and stay with me when I am feeling nauseated, alone, depressed, or feeling some real emotions. The good thing here is that over the years, I have started to realize how incorrect these delusional thoughts really are! And I have been doing my very best to accept the reality as it is.
Then my mind wonders — what is reality? I think reality is what we make of it, right? It is nothing but our own thoughts, ambitions, dreams, desires, failures, ghosts, and breaths — all coming together to materialize our emotions into reality. In that case, will every individual perceive their own version of reality?
I look at trees and find them green.
I look at the sky and find them blue.
You look at trees and find them green.
You look at the sky and find them blue?
Does your green have the same atoms as mine?
Does your blue have the same shades as mine?
Feeling Alone
When I sit alone in my room, I find myself surrounded by hundreds of voices from the characters that I once encountered. It can be Cooper or Murph from Interstellar or Charles Darnay and Lucie Manette from A Tale of Two Cities. On some days, it is Irrfan Khan’s dialogue from the movie Rog, where he is telling his attempts to kill himself. On some nights, it is Narayan Sahab’s Guide’s quote that I think about:
It seems to me that we generally do not have a correct measure of our own wisdom.
But I still feel alone. I still feel lonely.
To be honest, there is no hardcore reason behind such feelings. It’s just how I was raised and how I copped with the emotions. To bundle them all down inside and let them rest. Feed the dragon and let it sleep for eternity.
But I really am trying to be better. I really am trying to control my emotions, outbursts, anger, and lustful thoughts so I can enjoy the gifts that I have received.
I have also realized that it is not about the outward journey; rather, it is a journey within that radiates outwards and helps you become what you always wanted to be! I hope the next time I talk about wellness or such stuff, I have better examples to share. I hope the next time you read me, you have a smile on your face.
V.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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