Ever been played by a player? Here’s how to recognize a player so you don’t get played again.
—
One of my favorite Maya Angelou quotes is “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” Ah, if only we’d all heed Ms. Angelou’s wise advice, there would be fewer broken hearts. I believe the best time to see a person’s true character is when you’re first getting to know them, before you have sex, before those bonding hormones cloud your judgment. There are usually signs on a first phone call or a first date that indicate a person’s values and character (or lack thereof).
On a first date, you’re both hopefully on your best behavior, and unless you’re a psychopath who’s really good at concealing your true character, you will reveal a lot about yourself. It leaks out, whether you’re aware of it or not.
So, pay close attention to a person’s actions and words. Do they line up? One of the advantages to dating after 50 is that I no longer go into a relationship with my eyes shut to the true nature of a man. No more wishful thinking or projecting what I hope lies beneath the surface. I’ve learned to accept the men I date for who they are today, not who they might become if only…
Still, sometimes even a dating coach can get fooled by a player. But not for long.
◊♦◊
How I Ended Up Dating a Player
A few years ago, I met a man online who was smart, interesting, and very, very sexy. He lived about an hour away so after a few phone calls, we decided to Skype to get a better sense of each other. It was a great conversation. He told me he found me to be very attractive and sexy. That was nice to hear. I felt the same about him. We seemed to have many similar values, and I felt a spark for the first time in a long time. I was looking forward to meeting him that Saturday night.
On Friday, he called on his way home from work. I brought up something that made him uncomfortable, and he abruptly cancelled the date.
If he was that reactive and didn’t have the decency to talk about his concerns, he wasn’t the right guy for me.
|
Wow! I had no idea what happened. I was trying to be kind and helpful, and he overreacted. Oh well. If he was that reactive and didn’t have the decency to talk about his concerns, he wasn’t the right guy for me. I was a bit shaken, but I felt I had dodged a bullet.
—–
About two years later, he contacted me on another dating site.
I recognized him immediately, and remembered the good and the bad. I believe that people have the potential to grow and change negative behaviors, and I decided to discover who he was today. I was open to seeing if he was less reactive. After all, I believed he had so many redeeming qualities, why not give him another chance?
So, we began communicating again. The attraction was still there, and after a wonderful first phone call, he began texting. And texting. And texting.
The texting soon morphed into sexting—no surprise there. I let him know that I wanted to be seen as a whole woman, not objectified as a sex object. We hadn’t even met yet! He promised that he did see and appreciate all of me, and I really wanted to believe him.
We had our first “meet date” in a park, where we sat on the grass under a tree for an hour talking about our lives, our kids, and our favorite foods. No mention of sex. I thought to myself, “He’s less reactive. Easy to be with. Maybe he’s not just trying to get me into bed. Perhaps he has changed for the better.”
◊♦◊
Our first date…
A few weeks later, we had our first real date. He drove an hour to meet me on my turf. I always appreciate when a man makes the effort to drive a distance to see me. He greeted me warmly with a kiss. We went out for drinks at a local restaurant. He held my hands throughout the evening.
It was intense, and a little voice in my head said, “This is a very intimate conversation, and you just met. Keep your eyes wide open and slow things down a little.”
|
We spoke openly about what we learned from our past relationships. We talked about the big challenges we had overcome in our lives. It was intense, and a little voice in my head said, “This is a very intimate conversation, and you just met. Keep your eyes wide open and slow things down a little. Make sure you can trust him.”
When we got back to his car, he became very passionate and aggressively sexual. He wanted to take me back to his apartment that night.
It was time to let him know my policy about sex. I told him I was very attracted to him, and I don’t have sex until I’m in an exclusive relationship and we’ve exchanged STD test results. He seemed to be okay with that—at least that’s what he said that night.
His actions proved otherwise. His subsequent texts were devoid of sexiness and urgency. Instead of several texts a day, I now heard from him every few days. When I asked if he was okay because he seemed to be pulling away, he assured me that all was fine. He was just busy with work and life.
A few days later, after texting, “Let’s chat later”, he disappeared. Poof!
I reviewed the 100 texts exchanged over the preceding few weeks (yes, 100!), and I saw a pattern that echoed our very first encounter two years earlier. He misinterpreted my words several times. When I sensed a misunderstanding, I’d let him know that he seemed to be drawing the wrong conclusion. I’d ask to chat by phone to clear things up. Would he please call when he had the time? He promised he would. He didn’t. That’s because he was a player disguised as a good guy. He liked me when things went his way. When I shared my needs and they didn’t align with his, he walked away.
◊♦◊
6 Lessons I Learned from Dating a Player
1. Believe a person when they show you their character the first time.
Forgive mistakes. Don’t forgive bad character. Recognize a player early on. Especially when actions and words don’t line up.
2. Don’t text anything of emotional significance.
A relationship that begins with incessant texting is bound to lead to misunderstandings. Don’t text anything of emotional significance. Pick up the phone to discuss instead. If he or she is unwilling to talk by phone, this is not a relationship worth pursuing.
3. Accountability is one of the cornerstones in a healthy relationship.
If they continually promise they’ll call and don’t, walk away. If they make plans and don’t keep them, they are not worthy of your heart.
4. Leave a person who doesn’t respect your sexual boundaries.
If they push for sex before you’re ready and react negatively when you express your needs, they’re only in it for the booty call. They will never value you for who you are.
5. It’s important to feel good when you’re with them AND especially when you’re NOT.
I felt great when I was with this guy. But when we were apart, I felt anxious and untrusting. That’s a big fat red flag. A good person will show you that they like you by staying in touch between dates. You will not feel anxious and worry that they’re not into you.
6. If they disappear, let them go.
Don’t call or text and curse them out. They’re done with you, and they don’t want to hear it. They are cowardly, not willing to talk things out, and certainly not worthy of your time. Years ago, I would have given a man like this a “piece of my mind”. I thought that was the dignified thing to do. It’s not. Especially this early in the game. We had just met. He did me a favor by showing his character so quickly. Instead of contacting him, I got back to living my fabulous life without him.
◊♦◊
Yes, I let myself be taken in by his sexiness, intelligence, and our seemingly shared values. But not for long. Attraction is hard-wired into our brains. It’s hard to change who you’re attracted to, but you can change who you let into your heart.
That’s been the major shift for me as I do the inner work on my journey to find love after divorce. Now my eyes are wide open. I date with dignity and self-respect. And each man is my teacher. I know how to cut the players loose before my heart takes over. I can balance my head and my heart.
I’ve learned to have self-compassion and not expect to always get things right the first time around. Dating is complex, and the more you learn about yourself, the better the outcome of your relationships.
Which brings me to another great Maya Angelou quote:
“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”
― Maya Angelou
This is the same process I take my clients through. Love yourself first. Love your life. Live your best life. Let go of the anger and hurt from past relationships. Learn from them and move on. Be open to new experiences and new types of partners. Keep your eyes open to the red flags that show up early on.
Understand that a good person wants to escalate the relationship and takes an active interest in you. They don’t hide behind texts. They know how to pick up the phone and call. They makes dates in advance and respect your time.
Know your relationship must-haves and make sure he/she has all of them. And walk away from a person who doesn’t respect you and your boundaries.
◊♦◊
Have you ever dated a player who fooled you at first? What happened? I’d love to hear your story.
—
Photo: Drew Hayes on Unsplash
A version of this article first appeared in the Last First Date Blog.
I have a question. I’ve been seeing this man who’s having an affair with another woman my age, but he’s 15 years older. He says that she is nothing important to him, but she calls every time we are together on a date, and I have seen that he answers the messages while we are still together. He says he’s about to finish that, and on his birthday he spent the night with me. We have not had sex or anything, we have not even kissed. And I feel that he really respects me enough, he tells me everything, at… Read more »
if somehow we feel that “OMG, this is the person i have been waiting for” & that too in a very short period of time…..if everything seems to be a dream so that we pinch ourself to check whether it’s for real or not & it feels like “wow that was unexpected”…..???? right there we should stop & know that it’s a REDFLAG
First of to treat every man as a player, is unfair and unjust to the next man who comes along. We are all not the same. To say that all ladies are cheaters.. Would that be fair? No, it wouldn’t be and you know it.. Ive had my fair share of relationships and nearly every one of them, she has cheated on me.. Based on my experiences I could say that all woman are a cheater. Though I wont. I will not because that begins to be labeling and making unfair assumptions. What I will do is be cautious and… Read more »
I have been played by a player. I have a very good story
I’ve learned that at the beginning we need to treat every men as a player until they prove us wrong. I don’t meant to accuse them from the get go, but have some doubt, ask questions and don’t feel afraid to call on their BS. People are on their best behavior when meeting someone new. Also, some players do not mind waiting to have sex with a woman. They are having sex with others so there is no rush, they can be patient until they get what they want. It is a challenge for them.
I hate to brake it to you. That guy was not a player. Just a crappy guy. Players sleep with women because they know how to. That guy doesn’t know shit about women. He knew enough to get a date but that’s it. Players get women into bed ove and over because that know how to make women feel, and they keep going. A guy who pushes hard for sex and then leaves because you didn’t put out right away is not a player. Just a very weak man. I’m not calling players good men by any stretch but that… Read more »
Well done. Thank you. I’ve recently hard a bad experience after a divorce 8 years ago and being alone in the interim. He said all the right things and I fell for it, hook, line and ANCHOR. 50 years old and crying like a freshman in high school. Never again. I’m going to print this and take it out and read it often.
Happened to me. Just as you said it. They use something, some excuse, to not follow through with seeing you, or taking it to the next step, while thrusting some guilt game on you where you’re wondering, “Didn’t he say we would meet?” They’re so offended by being held accountable (when they’re the ones that backed out), that they’ll have you busy thinking YOU did something wrong. Big WARNING SIGN. I appreciate your sharing your story – it helps me recognize it’s a pattern; now I know I’m better “armed” to get back out there!
@Maggie,
Sorry this happened to you, and the good thing is you learned that it’s not you. You now know how to recognize a guy like this the next time, before you get involved. Do get back out there and date with new eyes. And say NEXT to every player you meet…
Thanks Sandy. It’s great to have this info at the ready!
Check out PUA stuff on youtube (RSD= Real Social Dynamics/ Tyler)….some guys play like this for a living! Then they teach these techniques to hordes of guys! Women to them are like marks on a scorecard….If he is just not that into you, then say “goodbye”! What a waste of time on a flaky guy…
Another prospect for an article that you’ve stolen right out from under me!! Well. stated, Sandy. These are the things that women need to hear, to know, to understand. There are men out there that give us a bad name by playing up the attributes that women want in a man as a facade to mask true intent. It goes even deeper then this, but it’s a great wake-up call. Identifying these types does not only represent the immediate benefit to a woman involved, but the extended benefit to those good men out there that will gain opportunity to separate… Read more »
Hey DJ,
It’s been a while since I’ve heard you chime in. Nice to hear from you, and as always, you added another layer of depth to the story.
I love what you said about articles like these benefiting the good men, too, the ones who stand out from the crowd. When you can identify the players, you can also shine a light on the good men out there.
Thank you.
Yes, Sandy.
Reading these women is like ice down my back. Leia is correct, There are actually “players guides” out there for the type, and they know just how to prey on everything from looks, to desire, to insecurity.
Sheila’s story, as you know, is one that I’ve heard more times that I care to remember, and why I take it a step further, beyond seeing a silver lining for good guys, but to help expose the type, their tactics, their intentions.
It is exactly why this piece you’ve written is so very important. Mind before heart.
Mind before heart. Mind before heart. Eyes wide open. If people followed these important principles, we’d have far fewer broken hearts.
Thanks for standing with me and taking a stand to expose the players, DJ. The more we write about this, the better the chance for more conscious dating and healthier relationships.
This article is so unbelievably true it hurts. Yet it’s helpful to realize that we all have some basic weaknesses and underlying beliefs that can lead a woman into the web of a player. I believe you laid out very foolproof guidelines…but we must love and value ourselves enough (constant work ) to not WANT the high or thrill that inevitably has painful consequences.
Malka,
Yes, value yourself first. Love yourself enough to set those clear guidelines as to how you want to be treated by EVERYONE in your life, and you’ll attract in a partner who respects and cherishes you.
Every person we date is our teacher. Use them well 🙂
Oh, I’ve had my fair share of players. Good looks are like the kryptonite that weakens my judgment. One of the players said all the right things, called me and spent hours with great conversation, including how “he misses having a close connection with someone.” But then, *poof* gone after sex.
A good looking man behaves no differently than a good looking woman. Each has options. LOTS of options. People with options usually exercise them. Yes, I know looks is the single attribute that often grab out attention. We are visual. We tend to get excited about thing we see that are exciting to us.. The problem here in America is that too many women chase too few good looking men never bothering to consider that if you are chasing him then there are hundreds more women doing the same. If a less attractive man had “..said all the right things,… Read more »
@Julia Byrd,
The guy I fell for was not particularly good looking. It was his charm and sexiness that won me over. I think if you took a poll, you’d find that many charmers are not that good looking.
So, this is not just about being blessed in the looks department. And you’re right, that people need to pay attention to the good guy and the good girl, the ones with good character. That’s what I work with my clients on, recognizing the qualities in a good person, and staying as far away as possible from manipulative self-serving charmers.
Yes, it would be the same. That was the situation in my case. He wasn’t what you’d call good looking. But he knows all the right things to say and do to have gotten more than a few women into bed. I’m not motivated by looks. Intelligence and actions are what I look for, and boy have I been had!
Sheila, it’s all about balancing the heart with your head. That way, good looks and charm won’t steal your heart and get you into bed. You deserve to be cherished for your whole self, not just your beauty and body.