Today, someone suggested to me that gay/bisexual men are afraid to admit to themselves their authenticity, they marry someone just for status, but eventually become unhappily married. This may happen to a few, but no one, and I mean no one, should ever remain in situations that don’t allow for authenticity and utmost happiness. That is not living and it’s unhealthy.
I didn’t reveal my bisexuality to my wife when our relationship began, and for that, I feel guilty. Guilty because I hadn’t recognized my own love and the love my wife had for me.
My relationship with my wife didn’t begin because I wanted a hetero-status, but because we had an authentic connection we both recognized. At the time, I wasn’t fully aware of my bisexuality, and if I had been, I wouldn’t have been able to have the relationship I did with my wife because I didn’t fully love myself and felt others wouldn’t either . . . I wasn’t secure with my own skin. However, as the relationship with my future wife continued and I witnessed her authenticity, I began recognizing the power of self-love and that others would love me for me.
My wife has always owned who she is, her interests, and hasn’t cared about the opinion of others. She always projects her authentic self and recognizes what makes her axles churn. This recognition is definitely fluid as life would be boring if new recognitions were not discovered to continue the axle-churning. This is vitally important for everyone, and how authenticity is revealed. Through my wife, I recognized the power of self-love and the effect it has on others.
Our journey has survived divorce, reconciliation, and my bisexual identity because of our authentic love. Through our experiences, we understand that our journey will consist of valley and peaks, but recognize that our love will always bind us no matter the challenge. Our reconciliation allowed me to finally be able to reveal my bisexuality to her and know it wouldn’t scare her away, and allowed for us to be secure enough to practice an open relationship. My wife and I are being our authentic selves because we know reciprocal, authentic love is present. We recognize with any other person we couldn’t sustain our happiest, most authentic selves.
Our relationship is stronger because we recognize, accept, and support our whole identity. We can do this because of our authentic love for one another. In my opinion, my wife and I are currently transitioning from stage 3 to 4 of Jed Diamond’s Five Stages of Love, which are:
Stage 1: Falling In Love
Stage 2: Becoming a Couple
Stage 3: Disillusionment
Stage 4: Creating Real, Lasting Love
Stage 5: Using the Power of Two to Change the World
We have been here before and we’ve made it to Stage 4 in the past but recently slipped back down to Stage 3. The stages are certainly fluid, but with constant, persistent practice stage five is achievable. With our experiences, my wife and I recognize when we hit the disillusionment stage and remember why we joined together in the first place—the authentic love that can’t be reproduced.
I know we both become disillusioned and thought, “She doesn’t want to be with a bisexual,” and “He doesn’t want to be with me who doesn’t have as high of a sex drive and a penis.” Truth eventually trumps disillusion. Our journey is definitely a windy one before we reach and hopefully remain in stage 5, but we’ll get there because we understand our authentic love for one another.
Recognizing authentic love is hard when life’s curveballs are always swirling around you, but once it is found then life has no limits. Authentic love supports, encourages, develops, challenges, and reciprocates. It definitely isn’t static.
My life without my wife is not an option.
No challenge, no person, no obstacle can remove the love we both have. We are lucky we recognize this because many don’t. Many couples leave and then say love will never exist for them.
Maybe, just maybe, each left their authentic love but were too stubborn to recognize it.
Men and women need to recognize the value of authentic love and not be afraid to sustain it when life’s curveballs begin to overwhelm. Authentic love is not immediate gratification and always needs massaging. The lack of immediate gratification is the cause of many divorces.
Marriages are a marathon and a problem now could be an asset later on. Authentic love is patient and kind, but doesn’t criticize, judge, or is fleeting. The recognition is one of the greatest treasures in this life, and with all great treasures, discovering takes time and effort and retaining it requires even more.
Some days Abigale and I discuss and question our life together and wonder if the other one would be happier elsewhere. This is cowardly. This is fear.