Conflict in relationships can be seen as an unresolved point of contention between two people who are seeing a situation differently. Therefore, engaging in conflict is not a bad thing because it is in these moments of contention that we create solutions and obtain common ground. For most people, it is not the reason for conflict that causes a breakdown; instead, it is the framework through which we are looking at the conflict.
One thing that many individuals struggle with is a lack of willingness to hang in the conflict because of discomfort. This is a personal issue that relates as much to your resilience as it does to what your partner is saying or doing. Secondly, due to the inability to manage your internal stress, empathy flies out the window because we are taking a defensive stance, which by the way, is a disaster from the beginning. Thirdly, because of the defensive stance we are taking, we become unable to try new ways to communicate in a healthy manner that does not blame or attack the other person.
Circular Causality
Have you ever met somebody who’s always right? Have you ever met somebody who’s always the victim, always the one being hurt by you? Their line of reasoning for every frustration caused by conflict leads down a road where they are void of responsibility. Whatever is happening is happening to them. Even their reactions are caused by whoever or whatever they are involved with. They are the, “I’m sorry I said that but you…” types.
The truth is that from a relational perspective, there really is no victim and no perpetrator (I’m not talking about abuse). I mean, that’s just kind of a rule. Relationships exist within a concept called “Circular Causality” as opposed to “Linear Causality.” A couple who is experiencing a fight is experiencing something caused by how they individually exist in the cycle. The cycle represents the relational dynamics which they both take equal part in and which expresses itself in our circumstances. What that means is that everybody has a role in the sequence and can only control that part. It’s not a linear cause and effect as we are accustomed to thinking. So although I may act in a way that is hurtful, irresponsible, or otherwise negative, you have a choice in how you respond. And the same is true for me in response to you.
Failure to place our experience in a framework of circular causality leaves us falling into a linear trap that will always have us playing the victim, and the other person the perpetrator. This leads to resentment and a sense that we are being taken advantage of. We then miss the opportunity for growth that our conflict is drawing us towards, and the result is the relationship breaks down. This cycle of circular causality is how relationships work on us to make us better individuals. Relationships trigger our weakness and spark conflict. Experientially, this is so we can engage in a manner that causes us to find new responses, and in these new responses, we find growth and meaning.
Well, Don’t Be That Person.
Now there are people out there, and you may have met them who no matter what happens when they enter into conflict, they are the victim, and there is no middle ground. They could have said something to you in a frustrated tone, or you could have said something triggering to them. But It doesn’t matter who started it in their world. Their response is always justified, and it becomes clear that solving the issue is not their goal, but winning the argument is. And not just winning, but also holding onto negative feelings towards you and punishing you emotionally with those feelings for hours and days to come. It’s all justified because, in their linear world, you are getting what you deserve for “Causing” their pain. Whether I feel wronged by your behavior or you feel hurt by mine, I am always the wrong one. When I do the wrong thing and challenge you, you’re the victim. When you do the wrong thing first and challenge me, you’re justified in your victim line of reasoning. So we fight over lines of reasoning or justification.
Well, the only line of reasoning that actually makes sense is a relational line of thinking, and we have to be willing to enter into that. We must be ready to come into a conflict that considers both people’s perspectives as being valid. A curiosity that perhaps even I could and should learn from your perspective. In general, marriage/monogamous relationships rarely involve genuine victimization. Now, of course, those do exist, and this is not about those relationships. This is about regular marriage conflict where no one’s trying to hurt or harm somebody physically. I am referring to battles with our partners where, in our attempts to win, we are actually avoiding our need to grow.
Destructive Cycles and Trauma Avoidance
In these cases, we hurt the relationship, which in turn hurts us, and the negative relationship cycle persists. We must bring it back to our place in that cycle and humbly focus on our need to grow. After all, it is two individual growing people who make a great relationship. The challenge being offered by my partner through their behaviors and reactions towards and around me are triggering my security system and my way of thinking about myself. Rather than look at the opportunity to grow, we defend the imperfect wounded person we are.
If we are going to make progress, we are going to have to ground our perspective in the truth based in our need to grow. If the kitchen being cleaned is very important to you, and that’s why you’re upset, your partner cleans it; then, you will cease to be upset. You’ll feel understood because you see that action has been taken, which not only rectifies the situation but validates your concern. However, if you’re still upset, if you’re still angry, and having trouble coming down from your anger, it means you’re protecting something else. That something else is unresolved trauma. Without this being resolved or brought to the surface and acknowledged, you will continually stand ready to be triggered. And you will never have it fixed or understood, thus preventing your growth. You will persist in the lie that your partner is causing this pain, thus justifying your growing desire to leave.
Trauma has a way of hiding behind our behaviors and our rationales. When our reasoning gets challenged by our partner, it is actually a call to awareness for us and our need to grow. We need to think down to the core because the core is speaking to why we are acting and feeling and thinking the way that we are. The only way that we are going to get resolution, understanding, and create attachment in connection with our partner is when we are honest down to the core.
By taking ultimate responsibility for our reactions to our partner, we can begin to engage in personal growth. The actions we take under this framework will dictate our response to our partner. If I am willing to stop justifying my reactions to my partner and own that under my responses are buried wounds causing my reaction, I can create a perspective that makes conflict approachable. By breaking free of linear thinking and realizing that I am in a cycle of circular causality, I can take responsibility for my place in the relationship and be a change agent for my growth and the growth of the relationship.
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Previously published on Medium.com.
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Photo credit: By John Hain from Pixabay