Relational Imagination is Curated

Human relationships are complex, and most of us can only reproduce relational patterns about which we are familiar. This is why we are so curious about other people’s relationships. How do they manage? What is their secret?

This essay will assume male/female partners, although it is equally applicable to male/male and female/female relationships.

Despite whatever experience you may have with romance, a budding romantic relationship can only emerge as a paradigm of the imagination. And that imagination is both highly curated and unique to each individual.

Much as we like to think that we are emotionally and physically aware of an evolving romance, perhaps even in control of things, we are not. Why? Because each person is reproducing something from his or her imagination, and each individual has only limited experiences to draw upon. Whether original family, prior relationships, friends, or reports from the wider world, every one of us has a different take on romance.

Relational imagination is also gendered. Men and women generally have different expectations regarding romance, different experiences of their own, and very different fantasy images of romance, sex and love.

Beyond actual and observed experiences, and romantic fantasies, each person’s relational imagination has been curated differently. That is to say, each person’s knowledge of romantic experiences is subject to their own interpretations of those experiences. It is these interpretations that send up the green or red flags when we meet someone new.

We cannot truly understand a relational pattern until we have applied a particular interpretation. Due to the complicated nature of human experience, we simply must resolve the complexity in order to comprehend the pattern.

Increasingly today, these interpretations derive from mediated sources: online and streaming content, motion pictures, the relentless barrage of commercial advertisements, books, magazines and other materials some of us still read, and so on. As with real-life experiences, anything that catches our attention is curated into the imagination.

Many observers have commented that given so many differences in relationship patterns, experiences and desires, it is a wonder that any couple finds romance that works.

All Relationships

So far we have focused on romantic relationships, but it is worth noting that relational imagination is applied to every relationship. Meet a person whom you believe may be a new friend? Ask yourself why. What did you experience with them that brought forth this possibility? Granted, much of the time we are not thinking things through to this extent. But if you stop and think it over, you will come to realize that the possibility of friendship is emerging from your own imagination.

Then there are pre-existing relationships that we cannot easily change. Original family, for example. Your imagination may well prompt you to wish that your relationship with a sibling were somehow different. Do you possess relational resources to bring about the desired changes? Perhaps if you can imagine specific changes, you would of course talk it over with your sibling and thereby engage her or his relational imagination. So even pre-existing relationships quickly become complicated.

Romantic Relationships That Don’t Work

It is easy to see why many relationships fail, or never even begin to evolve. The real-life time delay between the first hints of romantic possibility, interpretation and back again, is mere seconds, especially in the case of red flags. Green flags may take longer to decipher and decode, the interpretations more complicated and likely involving more thorough vetting against one’s prior experiences.

This is all perfectly valid since romantic relationships generally involve a serious level of commitment, and no one wants to be hurt. But there are certain conditions that make failure all but inevitable. These include:

Pretense: one individual is really looking for nothing more than to hookup for sex, but pretends that he or she is seeking romance. This is frightening as some bad actors may take this pretense all the way through a feigned romantic phase just to get regular sex.

Domination: one or both individuals believe that romance consists of the old-school domination model where each partner dominates the other in disparaging and hurtful ways. Not a sexual game, domination-based relationships often result in severe and sometimes violent breakups. Domination is heavily promoted in mass media entertainment and in our ingrained cultural scripts.

Hidden Personality Issues: narcissism, bipolar and/or depressive traits, borderline disorder, self-sabotaging tendencies, unrevealed traumas from prior relationships, painful childhood experiences, expectations of failure, to name only a few. Some of these problems may be resolved by openly discussing them with your new partner. Others may require couple’s counseling. At every point in the process, each individual should be weighing the risks.

From Curated Imagination to Real-Life Success

Let us assume that two individuals have reached a point where they are considering making a loving commitment. This means that curated imaginations have found some degree of alignment and hope lingers on the horizon. Let us also assume that these two prospective partners have forged a reasonable level of trust, respect and cooperation. Now what?

This is the moment to begin to consider the kind of lasting relationship each person has in mind. In other words, what do they each want from love?

At this point, we will borrow from Riane Eisler and her numerous writings on the partnership model for human relations. Although we have used the term “partner” several times, here we will shift the meaning to something far more specific. We will need to imagine and create something beyond our curated experiences, and which runs counter to most of our cultural scripts: a true romantic partnership.

The building blocks are the trust, respect and cooperation our prospective partners have already developed. With these, we may begin to assemble a true partnership supported by love. We will focus on a few key areas: domestic life, sexuality, money and individual needs. Clearly there are many more important issues, but these four are sufficient to demonstrate the partnership model.

Domestic Life: What experiences do each of the new partners bring to the challenges of keeping house? How clean, neat, or organized is each person generally? What expectations does each have regarding the other’s contributions to housekeeping? How does each feel about scheduling domestic tasks? Can you agree on a tentative plan?

Sexuality: This one is especially tricky because sexual desire often spikes early on and then fades for one or both partners. Have the two individuals found a common ground for sexual pleasuring? Is one more interested than the other? Is sex satisfying for each partner? Why? Why not? Are there signs that each individual is willing to adjust her or his desires to find compromise with the other? Is there disappointment for either partner regarding specific sexual activities?

Money: Have the two partners discussed differences in income, and how they might resolve those differences? Are spending patterns comparable or at least complementary? Which real assets are to be shared and which are not? Does each partner have a long-term financial plan? If not, is each person willing to work toward establishing a joint plan?

Individual Needs: Every committed partnership must confront differences in emotional, social or personal needs. How much socializing with friends is enjoyable and comfortable for each person? Does one or both partners need separate quiet time? How much time and energy using media and media devices is comfortable for each person? Is each person willing to accommodate the sleep needs of the other? Even so far as sleeping separately or in separate beds?

Asking these questions for each of these categories and others will lead to constructive and respectful conversations that will accomplish two key elements of the partnership model. First, the two individuals will develop important communication skills: listening in a neutral manner, limiting reactive impulses, reducing unnecessary stress, speaking together as long-term partners rather than as new lovers.

Second, moving toward resolution on each of these relational fronts will strengthen the partners’ long-term prospects, demonstrate the power of compromise, and reveal important issues that may need monitoring as the partnership deepens. Perhaps more important, these conversations will highlight the extraordinary potential of committed partnership based on romantic love. In every conversation, the partners will realize and experience loving kindness, laying down ever deeper connections heart-to-heart.

For any two people falling in love, I admire your courage and persistence. As you move forward, try to keep in mind that your relational imagination, and that of your partner, are limited and may not offer useful patterns. You may need to step away from your imagination to build a long-term partnership that works. Many blessings to you both.

…

Vic Caldarola is the founder and lead facilitator of the Shine a Light Men’s Project, a mindfulness discussion program for men. He holds a PhD in Communication Studies.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***