Relationship Drama Is Not the Bad Guy

Ever since my very first ‘relationship’ back when I was 13, most of my relationships were laced with drama. Okay, that’s not technically true, some weren’t, but then again: those never lasted. For years, I’ve been trying to figure out why this kept happening to me. Was it some terrible karma from a past life? Unsafe attachment as a result of my divorced parents? Was I simply too weird to be happy in relationships? Would I finally be happy if I’d start practicing polyamory? Would hypnosis help? The short answer to all of these questions: no. The longer answer is a bit more complicated than that.

When fixing your issues doesn’t help

So let’s get something out of the way first. Yes, I am anxious-avoidant in my attachment (and if you don’t know what that means — no worries). Yes, polyamory did bring me a lot of good. Yes, hypnosis actually did help me deal with my anxiety.

Yes, working on all of these issues has improved my mental health.

But guess what: figuring all of this out didn’t make me happier with my relationship much. The moment one problem would be solved, another one would arise.

Why wasn’t all the hard work I was doing — we were doing — helping?!

The answer is pretty obvious: because we were solving the wrong issues.

I think that’s a common problem many of us have. We figure out that something’s ‘wrong’ (let’s call it a life-bug) and then we go on assuming that that’s the cause of our unhappiness.

But just because we found a life-bug doesn’t mean we found the root of our unhappiness. In fact, the life-bug and the unhappiness may be entirely unrelated. Although it won’t seem that way. Again, speaking from personal experience.

Of course, knowing this didn’t help me in the slightest. Because if chasing away the life-bugs wouldn’t make me happy, what would? And if nothing would, then what’s the point of it all, anyway?

Honesty is a pain in the ass

And yet, here I am. At a point where can I genuinely say that despite all of my life-bugs (they’re still here) I’m truly happy with my life. But to get there, I had to take a long, hard look at myself. I had to confront a terrifying thought, a thought most of us try to deny will all of our might because of the shame and stigma that comes with it. The thought was this:

I actually wanted life-bugs in my life. I wanted my life to be challenging. I wanted my relationship to have hurdles. I wanted my partner and me to struggle.

Now you might think I’m just prone to masochism, and I am. But then again, I’m not the only one.

Because struggling and overcoming struggles is the key to human experience. It’s quite literally what being human is all about. And I’ve got some evidence to back that up.

The struggle never stops

Thousands of years ago, our ancestors probably didn’t suffer from anxiety when their partner wouldn’t answer their cave messages for a bit too long. And if they were, the anxiety would be of a ‘are they still alive?’ kind, not a ‘do they still care about me?’ kind. That’s because they had other things to worry about. They worried about having enough food, shelter, and fighting off mountain lions, bears, or jaguars.

But life, at least in Western countries, has changed. We may not have a lot of food, but most of us don’t worry about starvation. And most of us have a home of some kind to return to at the end of the day. A home where we don’t have to worry about our safety¹. So we worry about other things.

Now personally, I usually worry about my relationship, but that’s not the only thing I could worry about. I could also worry about my income, my friendships, the climate, or the war in Ukraine. The point is: I have to worry about something. The moment I don’t face some challenge, even if it’s small, I get bored. And I start looking for challenges to resolve.

If you don’t believe me that we need some challenge to be present, to occupy our minds, just take a look at all the stories you know. Books. Movies. Hell, lyrics. Almost all of it is about people facing a struggle and overcoming it. And since we all see ourselves as the protagonists in our own stories, we’re subconsciously on the lookout for challenges to face, villains to slay… basically, ways to be a hero.

So why do some people have happy relationships?

You probably know the classic Eat-Pray-Love trope: ‘I thought I had it all, a nice job, a perfectly great boyfriend/girlfriend/nonbinfriend, a house in the suburbs, but I realized I wasn’t happy so I got rid of everything and now I’m traveling the world in search of my happiness.’

And yet, some people actually do manage to have a happy relationship.

(I used to think they’re a myth, but lately many of my friends have been proving me wrong, one after the other. I guess you do get tired of the same bullshit over and over again by the time you’re in your mid-thirties.)

So what’s their deal?

They are not superhuman. They haven’t reached enlightenment, either. They simply look for their challenges elsewhere.

They go searching for other jobs. They buy and renovate a house. Or they decide it’s an amazing idea to have kids (but wait until you’ve talked to them a month later, when they’re sleep-starved and forget why they wanted a tiny non-stop-screaming creature in the first place).

And those few who don’t like facing challenges in their personal lives focus on society’s challenges. They can lie awake at night thinking about the climate crisis, racism, and gender inequality.

What challenges do you choose?

I’m privileged enough that I’ve got my basics covered. I have a roof over my head, food in my fridge, and enough money to pay for it. I don’t need to worry about those things.

I care about the larger problems. I educate myself on systemic injustice and contribute where I can. I gladly donate my money to human rights organizations. I try to buy products that don’t contribute to suffering (or at least do it as little as possible). But I’d be lying if I said those things take up a large part of my day. My days are more about creativity, and purpose, but also getting groceries and wrapping myself in a blanket on the couch with a good book and a fluffy cat. Apart from my small contributions, when it comes to large issues, I largely feel helpless. I don’t feel like worrying about the climate all day will make any difference. More importantly, I do know that my daily decisions contribute to change, but most of the time, this change is pretty intangible.

Yet my relationship… Oh, it’s delicious. I get to obsess over things and then I get to solve them. My relationship is the helpless prince(ss) and I’m the brave and resourceful knight coming to the rescue. In short: solving relationship issues makes me feel heroic. Like nothing else, the struggles in my relationship make me feel alive².

Yes, another issue to tackle!

Realizing this, I’ve started embracing relationship challenges for what they are. I no longer see them as a problem³. Instead, I see them as the things that make my life interesting. I don’t know if I’d want to have a worry-free relationship. Every time I’ve had one in the past I’d get bored. A worry-free relationship means I’d have to find other ways to save my own world, and frankly: I don’t always feel capable enough to do it.

Is it self-indulgent, possibly even weak? Maybe. But denying the truth of it doesn’t make me any stronger⁴.

So here’s where I am right now. Obsessing over issues, but knowing that a part of me enjoys obsessing over them. Shifting my focus to other, more constructive challenges, whenever I’m able to, but no longer thinking I’d be happy if only all those life-bugs were gone. Realizing I can be happy even when they are there. Grateful for the illusion of meaning they provide.

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Disclaimers

¹ If your home doesn’t feel safe, then please don’t use this article as an excuse to stay around. You deserve to feel secure. Please find help and leave if/when you can.

² Please remember that you are still responsible for your how you treat others. Your (in my case my) obsession with relationship issues is *not* an excuse to treat your partner(s) like shit. Tackle your issues respectfully and get your partner(s) on board, don’t make them suffer.

³ I am definitely not suggesting that you should stay in your relationship no matter what issues you’re facing. You don’t need permission or an excuse to leave. Just stop for a minute and ask yourself whether you’re stuck in a pattern of drama, and whether leaving will actually make you happier.

⁴ Of course, focusing your energy on relationship issues is not an excuse for not caring about inequality or injustice. All I am saying is that sometimes, dealing with relationship drama is a nice anchor in a world that otherwise feels/is outside of our control, and if so — why not embrace it?

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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