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Tom Bilyeu and Lisa Bilyeu (@lisabilyeu) dive into topics such as, preserving the rituals of marriage, how to have healthy arguments, and the value in renewing your vows.
Tom Bilyeu is the co-founder of 2014 Inc. 500 company Quest Nutrition — a unicorn startup valued at over $1 billion — and the co-founder and host of Impact Theory. Impact Theory is a first-of-its-kind company designed to facilitate global change through the incubation of mission-based businesses and the cultivation of empowering content. Every piece of content Impact Theory creates is meant to underscore the company mission to free people from The Matrix and help them unlock their true potential. Impact Theory exists to inspire the next generation of game-changing companies and creators that will make a true and lasting impact on the world.
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what is up everybody welcome to another
episode of relationship theory it is so
good to be back in live and co-host tom
dooley I am here with the lovely and
talented an amazing beautiful person
that I got to spend a lot of quality
time with recently lisa bill you let’s
update and before we get into it can we
just say for those of you who don’t know
her new podcast Shero ik with Cassie ho
now live and on the day that they
launched they rocketed right to number
one in health so mad kiddos be my love
very impressive very great feedback
you’ve been getting is smash bang
amazing so yeah it’s been it’s been
quite a ride and obviously excited about
the release we’ve been working so long
you’ve been talking about it for like
two months first started it and so now
kind of being out there and getting the
feedback has been amazing and but to be
honest the biggest thing was like the
way all happened so I was super stressed
that we were releasing it when we were
away I mean that was like so stressful
for me
but there was something about being away
with you in like this beautiful country
like it was just amazing and spectacular
and then we went and celebrated in the
evening just me and you and I don’t
think we would have done that if we were
here I think we would have just wanted
hustle work mode I reckon I would work
today probably wouldn’t have said two
words to you and then you know I would
have just gone too because I was
shattered ro because we’re away even
though I was working a lot we kind of
then just took that evening to go and
true and just like when you’re working
in the connect this beautiful ocean
you’ve got yachts around you it will
never question why are you like
booby-trap you know alright which got
for it
alright wrong homey let’s stop and all
right the first question via email hey
Lisa and Tom thank you for giving us
friendly advice and being so war and
real weekly I’m currently working on my
vows tying the knot next weekend or we
may have missed there oh no I just
realized our a and but if we haven’t
hopefully this will help you and I’m
curious about what you both might
suggest as must-haves when articulate
this commitment of course very person so
if you could talk about your must-haves
or what you would have liked to express
when you were married that would be
great and thank you Dan can’t wait to
hear the new podcast Lisa thank you Jane
pulp from Nova Scotia Canada nice and
we’re in the house yeah so there’s a
question for you indeed you want to kick
it up so I guess we should say we didn’t
try our own vows we got married and over
the grill a game like let me tell you
right here and right now I felt like I
was getting married in like the 1500s it
was crazy
they were speaking ancient Greek so it
wasn’t even like she got imagine guys
the big beards and the huge robes and
tall hats it was I mean for you would be
less weird but for me it was like where
am I they don’t do rehearsal so I’d
never seen any of it I had no idea where
it’s supposed to be when I was standing
none of that and they don’t like all the
traditional cues for me growing up like
the here comes the bride song they start
playing it in everybody sense none of
that existed and they were waving like
smoke and like chant it was actually
amazing and precisely because it was so
different there was like a real
weightiness to it like it took on it
felt like a ritual in a way that like
you’re sort of every day sunday church
like wouldn’t have for me not if we had
you know gotten married like what I grew
up with being used to which is very
informal it’s in a church but it like
has that sort of colloquial vibe like a
lot of times the whoever’s officiating
is like cracking jokes stuff been in
play like there was none of that
it was super ritualistic which I loved
and was so meaningful to me so that was
amazing and if anyone seen my Big Fat
Greek Wedding that basically was our
life
ungodly person equip and then show the
wedding and that they do but people spit
on how she walks down the aisle people
didn’t spit on me I would’ve been whole
they spit on me though but I don’t think
that was probably
Oh was it um oh yeah that was incredibly
ritualistic which is really really
important to me and so like this really
reminds me how long I’ve been thinking
about this stuff so when I read the
power of myth by Joseph Campbell we were
we I don’t think we were even engaged
yet so we were dating we WA wasn’t it um
so it was early in our relationship hell
with that and read it and he talks about
how one of the reasons that he believes
that marriage as an institution sort of
failing is because there’s no like
threshold that you cross that really
makes you a different person from one
day to the next there’s no coming-of-age
ritual there’s no like heavy
transformational ritual between your you
know the day before you’re married in
the day after and so I didn’t want to
fall prey to that and I wanted to find a
way to supercharge our wedding and so
that was unexpected that just how
ritualistic it all felt to me but then
also the tattoo now what we didn’t do
our own vows because they don’t please
you could go back would you like and
they said okay you can keep the
ritualistic stuff but you could write
your own vows first is not would you
yeah probably it is yeah if they were
like you have the option then I would
yeah for sure yeah and I don’t know
because I find things like that a little
uncomfortable for me just like the
speaking no I think it’s because I so
like what I feel inside is so intimate
right but kind of saying it out loud in
a way that everyone will get I don’t
know it becomes a little like in that
environment
I’ve got that one moment that have to
say everything I’m feeling like that
pressure of you’d rather be silent I
mean his is also the truth you’re so
good at writing that I would want to
make sure that I go fast right I would
want to say my vows first and then it
would be like if I didn’t hit it it’s
like I’m performing with my wedding
religion really it’s not about a
performance it’s about being with my
husband and making those sacred vows
that my will hold on to so
if I’m the nervous about having to do my
like and that’s why I thank God I didn’t
have to do a speech I could do a speech
like I would have I would have been so
in my own head about the speech that I
don’t think like the day would have felt
like it was I wouldn’t be able to focus
on your becoming my husband and I know
it just would have interesting because I
did have to do a speech and it didn’t
have that effect on me which interesting
so anyway back to the question so I
wanted to get this tattoo which really
ended up it is what my vows would have
been so it’s not hard for me to figure
out what I would have written for my
vows so the tattoo which I thought of as
a risk ritualistic scarification which
was very important to me to go through
that for it to be something painful for
it like I have no interest in tattoos I
had never intended to get a tattoo so
that for me wasn’t like a sort of low
barrier to entry like putting me in
context of being absolutely at that time
I’m not anymore but at that time I was
legitimately phobic of needles and it
was the fact that it was needles it was
like facing one of my really great fears
so that it was a needle that it was
painful that it was permanent that I had
no intention ever of getting one for
like decorative cool purposes and I mean
to show how true that is
she has like in her feminine while waves
really tried to get me to get more
tattoos and I’m just like that it’s not
my stick right so I was like every
probably every trick a woman could try
to basically yeah fair enough
I had no even that but to me that would
also diminish like in all fairness it’s
not like I just want you to get like a
dragon on your back it was just a big
mural of your face that says off is
that comma bitches like is that that was
the thing I’m totally teasing so yeah
that was like I didn’t want other
tattoos so it really forced me to stop
and think about what that whole process
was for me what it meant for me what was
I committing to all of that and I
designed the tattoo and so a lot of
thought went into that and it was just
really interesting
from the fact that it’s a circle which
to mirror the wedding ring and meant to
be a symbol of infinity and there’s no
end no beginning and there were four
points on the tattoo which were my
things which were love passion
commitment and respect and those are
still like to me just the absolute
foundation of any relationship and while
I’m sure people would surprise me with
insights if they were to pick like you
couldn’t pick those four what would you
pick and I’d be blown away and if I
remember correctly originally was eight
yeah and the tattoo artist was like dude
I refuse to do that because it will like
you won’t be able to beat it laughs yeah
yes more exactly and it forced me like
what are the four bedrock things I wish
I still had the original design might be
very serious love passion commitment and
respect and you had them in Greek what
was your feeling behind that um that was
a nod to you at the time I
I mean maybe spoke a couple words but
hadn’t really clicked over into that
like I’m going to learn this for my wife
but if that made it so you and that I
loved and you know thinking about it
like having something that is just like
unabashedly about that person that’s
what really made it many more and if you
said then if you had to with those four
words give a one-liner I’m going to
limit you to one line imagine it’s your
vows you got like a limited time you use
those four words one line is what would
you do or say um well like what are they
to define them yeah like towards me
yeah so well this is good this is good
on yeah
love is the sort of divine spark I think
that’s the easiest way there’s something
in essen to a part of the brain that’s
never touched by anything else but not
even like even a child I would imagine
is very different a parent is very
different there’s the love for somebody
where it’s it’s also a physical
Union is just different it’s unlike
anything I’ve ever experienced and I
remember my mom saying to me you’ll know
you’re in love when you feel like
there’s no way anyone else in the world
has ever felt this for another person
and in fact mom mad respect that may be
one of the like most insightful things
anyone has ever said to me because I
remember when I first realized I was in
love with you I thought there is no way
the world wouldn’t functions like people
can’t feel like this about people it’s
so intense and all and consume all
consuming this is just it’s not possible
like nobody in Wall Street is feeling
like this like the president wouldn’t be
able to do his thing like there’s no way
and so that’s when I knew this is love
and that like early stage feeling is so
amazing and so interesting and
fascinating and the way that level falls
over time is incredible and amazing and
it remains the divine spark so even
though for me and I don’t believe in God
so it’s not a religious thing it’s to me
divine is the ineffable there’s clearly
something about this universe the human
experience all of it that they don’t
understand like hey let’s get really
weird for a second I’ve been researching
multiple multi dimensions dimensions
higher than the four dimensions that we
understand and though it can actually be
explained like I thought no one’s ever
going to be able to explain these these
other dimensions they can it’s crazy
drop it into YouTube anyway like that
there’s clearly like things that I don’t
understand and to me the way that love
is and that it evolved smell that is is
the closest thing I can experience to a
non-religious sense of divinity it’s
just unbelievable and I love the way
that it changes over time passion I
literally meant that romantic fiery
sexual passion like and I never wanted
to lose that and I knew that that and
love are so like brain chemistry
dependent like they will come and they
will go right so think about a time when
you’re you have food poisoning you’re
doubled over in pain the sex is like the
last thing from your mind now there are
a thousand shades of that from stress
anxiety overwhelm all of it depression
sadness there’s times you’re just not
going to feel sexual so you
you cannot just wait for it to happen
like you’ve really got to keep touch
intimacy sexuality like something that
you forced to be at the forefront of
your relationship especially because
look I you know me like I’m super
realistic if you take a Prairieville
I can’t remember if it’s prairie voles
or anyway it’s a rodent that they did
this test on and you put them in a cage
with a female they’ll have sex once and
stop but if you put a new female in
it’ll have sex again right away put a
new female in a third time it’s guy
can’t remember how many times like it
keeps going and going but if you had
left the same female and it wouldn’t now
humans fall sort of in the middle of
monogamy and you just base it on the way
that the genitalia is you can tell that
we sort of fall in the middle so like
monogamy is not impossible for us but it
doesn’t necessarily come as our default
position so going into a marriage and
saying okay I’m going to be monogamous
with this person like that how do I cope
with that there has to be mechanisms
because it’s not necessarily going to be
my default position from an impulse
perspective it certainly won’t be that
way all the time so like how do I make
sure that we keep you said one sense
this has turned into an insane already
has oh yeah I apologize I lost I thought
now just imagine me saying this in front
of the church everybody let me explain
these are my thousand eight hours broken
into chapters get comfortable people the
Greek and the ceremonies along man you
would have met be trouble okay so I’ll
give you the other two in one sense so
that was passion I could literally do it
and there’s one thing that you said
there so I’d read somewhere our current
we’re ready but about feeling connected
with somebody like you need like
one-on-one contact like at or intimacy
like the skin garage for more than 30
seconds I think it’s different for men
and women but yet but I think it was for
women it’s like 30 seconds so when I
heard that and read it literally I would
keep coming up to Tom and I kept right I
kept hugging you like from your brushing
your teeth and I was just like okay
now’s the time so I would just hold on
and I would actually count just making
sure that like I really don’t know right
though obsessiveness in me so I would
hold on to you and then as I was
counting we forgot to count you know
that you when you’re trying to count
sheep I stopped counting because I
really did start to
sink into you and then start like
smelling you and even though literally
you’re brushing your teeth and you’re
like moving around and it’s I still
really did get it and so I actually
haven’t done it in like a week or two
but like everyday especially when I was
feeling stressful especially when I was
feeling overwhelmed or not connected
with you because you had so much
business stuff going on I had things
going on we didn’t really see each other
and so that really works like it really
did I need to remind myself to do that
again but yes like the passion and the
chemicals and all that nice alright last
two shorts in front of the church
respect I think goes without saying like
you have to say if you don’t respect the
person don’t marry them and then make
sure that you maintain that respect and
I’ll call that equality like that would
be another word for that and then which
is very important to me and I’m very
tempted to go on a very long time about
that and then commitment is you’re going
to turn into a bag of wrinkles there’s
going to be times where you piss me off
and there’s going to be times where you
break my heart a little and through all
of that you need to know that I’m going
to be a rock that I’m going to do
whatever mending has to be done that
since it takes two to tango it’s not
enough like if you’ve been the one to
hurt me it’s not enough that you
apologize I have to be open to accepting
that and building the bridge and moving
forward yeah I think so many couples do
that where they’ll just apologize just
to like stop the argument or stop that
bad situation or they feel bad so they
just like you know want to make that
person feel better and a I don’t think
that actually resolves the issue and if
you’re not sincerely applause you know
you actually mean it and but also I find
that and I’ve got I lost my train of
thought it’s a good time to practice
yeah and all but you’re right a lot of
people do that they they do the apology
just to like move on oh it was the
forgetting thing so like a lot of people
they’ll say okay like no problem let’s
move on but they don’t forget and it
becomes like that one straw on the back
right and so people if you don’t offer
at all yeah if you don’t actually deal
with the issue and you just say sorry
and you kind of just
leave it about or like okay let’s just
forget it like screw and I’ve tried to
do that in the past and it doesn’t work
like just an all done is because you
still remember because you haven’t
resolved the issue so you take you know
a marriage that you want to go on for a
lifetime and that wait starts like you
know destroy the broke the camera broke
so we always make sure that we address
those issues as they come up and that we
never apologize unless we really mean it
or we just discuss it but it’s never
like aw don’t worry about this just to
get it but we never say that because it
never was all true all right so we got
some questions thank you like to submit
you’ll notice she never had to say what
her vows would be is very smooth before
I was one that I wouldn’t say my own
vows later you’re gonna stick to that
well they didn’t got questions coming in
make sure that we get to them and we the
team is criticizes by only going through
one or two
it’s very criticism and ah Mike burkas
thank you Mike battles over and do you
have plans to renew your vows every cell
phone as a reminder of the ritual and
intention behind it all and yeah I’m
just going to go first because I know
yeah renewing vows to me it feels very
modern like as a remind of Lexi I do
love you and because obviously the
ritualistic saying of getting married
and it being for life
like I really meant that and so for me I
don’t need to renew my vows to know how
you feel about me to me that an everyday
act right it’s kind of like the couple
who may have like they’ve not been
getting along and it’s been like nine
months of like turbulent and then
they’re like okay let’s go away because
that will solve all problems why just
changing our locations doesn’t solve
your problem and so the vows even what
you just says those four things we make
sure we embody those every single day
because if you I do you don’t have that
that’s true well but like it just I
think that it loses aids at least for me
and this is only for me it loses the
meaning of that one day that we got
married and
made that that class no you that is so
you I should have been able to predict
that answer yeah because of that yeah
yeah and I think a lot of people do it
to reignite their love and I get it like
if that is what they need right exactly
if that’s what you need to then set a
fire under your ass and then go okay we
starting from scratch this is our
opportunity to make a difference like I
totally respect that and it’s just not
how I think I think that for me it is
very important that we work on it every
single day
and yes they true to those vows we made
when we became different people when I
became mrs. being you instead of miss
Cheerilee Ambus yeah I hold very tight
to it yeah it’s funny that some people
are hearing your maiden name for the
first time had a lumber so hell yeah
don’t know what about you Oh a hundred
percent I would do it you would be nice
absolutely it sounds so beautiful and so
romantic
to like we like do a big to-do and all
that but I’m so lazy it’s never going to
happen
so why when you just do a big
anniversary policy what’s the difference
I don’t know I totally buy into like the
renewing of vows and like
recontextualizing it for where you’re at
in your life and like so take for
instance if you’ve got the for sort of
bedrock beliefs about what a
relationship is and that’s never going
to change but then you’ve got the the
other four that you loved and we’re
about to get tattooed but you remove
them because they’re not quiet bedrock
like Megan Joseph or maybe those for
change over time you know I mean like I
don’t even remember what they were so
but I really think and look I’m
realistic enough to know that maybe I
wouldn’t come up with the exact words
that I chose again but those four
concepts to me are they are central to
my life I mean they’re so central to our
relationship it’s not like I have to
look at my tattoo and remember what it
says I just
those are just like yes those are the
four things that are sort of the four
truths that any relationship should sit
on top of but I I’m like a total
romantic so for me I’m not giving you
what you will not do if you here’s the
thing guys we community figure out that
[Laughter]
that’s amazing
that is amazing I can just see your like
blank face eyes like your shirt says I’m
here with him it’s like I don’t care
this means anything you would meaning it
is absolutely Emma to marry you but that
the truth of like when you were saying
it I thought it’s so romantic I love the
idea but when you said you didn’t want
to my thoughts thank God we booked the
plan is or actually do it so I love the
notion but not enough to actually follow
through with it and I got another really
good question and let’s have a couple of
shout out actually and we got Thomas
Henrik from Cincinnati in the house
Thank You Benjamin makalah’s
I leaked wisdom neck V from London well
that that’s Olly that’s like our boy so
what’s up Olly how you doing I’m to meet
up yes he was there well he’s from way
before that he was doing the grinding
cute Instagram like yo Joe you go change
and hopefully like Cindy’s not here
today but hopefully he’s hooked up with
her I think he’s going to run our London
meet us Wow Holly be cool yeah so madla
totally lull Martin from Baker
Bakersfield Bakersfield in the house
jared is there for your peoples in the
UH we really we should I read undercover
and would you say is name is succinct
suck facing struck signed from New York
City NYC and Deborah Gong calls I’ll
come in from Edmonton Canada that’s a
real name
yeah it to be honest exactly it’s a good
brain test it is I’m sure I butchered
all of those I’m developing borders and
corrects that yeah so I think the
correct that I could sounds like uh uh I
think we can assume yeah looking uses a
picture my last name so I am alright so
another question this is actually from
Ali really like this question what’s
your view on saying don’t go to sleep
until you’ve made you’ve made up from an
argument
doesn’t make sense to talk about things
when you’re both emotionally calm and
rested rather than trying to resolve
things when you’re both probably tired I
have a strong answer yeah so what we
will go to bed if we’re mad with each
other because I totally agree with you
Ally like you need to approach the
situation with your emotions know you’ve
got your defenses down but during the
argument defense has come up you’re on
edge and so it’s a lot of times I mean
you find that that doesn’t work for me
like I’ll be like any time I need to
look away from this and need to think
about it and then I can come back but
the ones will we do have is we always
always no matter how bad the argument is
I’m haven’t had a bad argument in like
ten years or something but no matter how
bad the autumn actually is we always
always always kiss each other goodnight
on the lips even if it’s up yeah it’s so
funny like when we’re past it so I
thought we make sure but we still do it
we religion we may be like we’ll always
going to remember when we made that
commitment to each other forever we
definitely we have said to each other no
matter what when we go to bed we kiss
each other on the lips and we always say
I love you to each other and again
sometimes that love you but we make sure
we do it I don’t know it just it forces
you to remind yourself of the other
person is a real human being you really
do love them forget that but you know I
mean so like that so but I totally agree
with Allie I don’t think you you force a
discussion if you’re not ready okay I
don’t know where they are today car
people worried the other person’s going
to die and one is growing up that’s what
I heard like but if they don’t wake up
don’t wake up at our age later you’re
way worse than leaving the house like if
you said we never leave the house until
like we can’t even going to die like
driving or walking the chances of them
dying there sleeper infinitely lower and
we’ve never like not slept in the same
bed with each other for that reason I
was going to say that’s a lie if you’re
sick you’re going to next one but I’m
saying for argument purposes yeah I
don’t even know but people do I mean I
think it may be have
that physical distance allows them to
bring down I guess no judgment right but
it just seems like this is how you get
yourself into trouble what do you think
if you would like fix that seat up I’m
sorry um but don’t you think though that
if you didn’t sleep with each other so
let’s say for instance we’ve got into an
argument and we slept in separate beds
which we never done but I know people do
do that for me I think when I woke up it
would just remind me yeah you were
pissed at him and that’s why you’re not
in the same bed
great point whereas I think that if you
were lying next to me I didn’t know like
that morning like I still love smelling
your nails the other thing like I’m
telling you they’re like their
pheromones just the proximity like
hearing their breathing like I bet
there’s a certain degree of
synchronicity you get into sleeping next
to somebody like the way that women’s
periods like sync up when they’re
together in the same house just my gut
instinct is the proximity effect is
probably important I am totally making
that up I want to make that abundantly
clear but that’s just like my gut
instinct yeah I think that I mean I feel
like that too yeah that’s a great point
about waking up being like wait why
aren’t they oh that’s right I’m pissed
like actually reminding yeah and then
when you remind yourself you put your
pace you kind of then go why would I
piss oh yeah that’s right but you had to
dig for it which you wouldn’t have
otherwise because you wake up I lean
over if you’re lying next to me I smell
you you’re always very you know like
kind of low-key
so the fact that you’re kind of just you
know your emotions aren’t heightened and
it just allows us to kind of relax and
then we’ll be like okay like do you want
to talk I think that that would be you
but yeah
that would be me yeah and someone’s
awesome LK Elliot wants to know where is
your tattoo is driving me crazy it is on
my right shoulder yeah and you know we
don’t want to show people it um it’s
interesting because you like would
parade me around it would be on the
homepage of our website if I would let
you and I’m weirdly private about it I’m
not sure why it’s always felt like it’s
for me
like I didn’t do it for show hmm so
that’s true yeah it’s on my right
shoulder like and look if I’m at a pool
or something about I’m not like I don’t
try to cover it but I I never show
people yeah unless you know I mean if
somebody’s like oh my god please can I
see it I would be like no but like right
now I’m not going to show it all right
all right so Matt Wyman asks lisa has
said she needs to walk away
how does Tom know to accept that that is
her mo that is I get angry and can’t
talk but my wife likes to talk it
through or better how does one get
better at not letting anger disengage
them who those are two very different
questions and I would say until you get
to the point where you actually don’t
experience the anger for very long it is
a way better strategy to do whatever you
need to to dissipate that neuro
chemistry so Lisa and I do the thing
called giving the keys to the kingdom so
in an emotionally sober moment you would
go to your wife and say I totally
understand that you want to stay engaged
in all that but the keys to the kingdom
for my behavior to get me back to
neutral is to give me time to walk away
like give me that space and then I’ll
come back because if you’re trying to
deal with the situation in an
emotionally charged place where your
brain chemistry isn’t right that is sub
optimal conditions like it just doesn’t
make sense so way better if you’re if
your goal is actually to resolve the
issue right then way better to wait
until everyone’s neuro chemistry is
rebalanced if your goal isn’t that then
you need to assess like what’s really
going on I’m going to guess the reason
that your wife wants to stay engaged is
she doesn’t like the way she’s feeling
and she believes that the surest path to
that is resolution in the argument that
is certainly why because I didn’t want
to disengage in our when we were much
younger we would like get caught over
that because I would want to keep going
because I didn’t like the way I was
feeling and I wanted to resolve it
because I believed if I could convince
you how wrong you were and you can
you see and understand the truth that
everything would be okay and of course
like that is exactly what was pissing
you off is you were like my point of
view is also valid and so us like sort
of going at it at a time where neither
of us can see chemically neither of us
can see the other person’s point of view
just makes sense so yeah so when you’re
emotionally sober give the keys to the
kingdom to each other and because like
even if her real goal is resolution her
emotions will dissipate over time period
like think of it this way even when
someone’s parents dies over a long
enough timeline that feeling dissipates
so the good news is with most arguments
that’s going to dissipate relatively
quickly usually a matter of hours worst
case a day two days like but you’re
going to be able to come back and talk
about it and let English it’s eight I
mean exactly that but is how you
approach that in the beginning right so
speaking to us and saying look I need to
walk away to calm down so I can have the
talk that you want me to have so let’s
work as a team let’s get together let’s
figure out how we handle these
situations know that I love you that
when I’m walking away it’s not me
shutting down because I worry that might
also be an interpretation she may have
right is that if a guy is like I don’t
wanna talk about this that they’re
completely shut down but if you reassure
her that hey I’m not shutting down I
just need to walk away let give me time
I will let you know when I’m ready to
have the talk you want to have and then
we can really come together and resolve
the issue and then basing it on like we
have the same goal right the same goal
is to resolve this issue or this problem
but the one thing you need to make sure
is you need to make sure you then do
have that discussion because if you just
walk away say hey you know give me time
and then you just go I hope she forgets
I hope you can just brush it under the
rug then you’re not actually given her
what she needs and now she doesn’t trust
that when you’re going to walk away
you’re actually going to come back and
do it really like give her what she
needs as well
your pizza all right and next question
Jessica’s there dia said that did you
live together before marriage if so how
long how long
did it take you to know what no you
wanted to be married okay well so that’s
all math we did live together we lived
together sort of if you were to
accumulate all the time that we live
together because we were in different
countries for part of it we probably
lived together what for like eight
months hmm it’s about right so live
together for eight months which is about
half of our relationship up to that
point so we spent half living together
half living apart and then a good
portion probably 80% of the time that we
were in a relationship but apart we were
also apart from a country perspective so
there’s very little time where you were
here in Los Angeles but not living with
me which is a whole nother conversation
and then how long did it take me to know
we were together for a year and probably
I don’t I proposed after what eight
months yeah yeah so I proposed after
eight months which is crazy like it
violates every rule not every rule
because you shouldn’t marry your
highschool sweetheart and I at least
didn’t do that but it violated so many
of my relationship rules but for me the
decision wasn’t actually explained it
this way once I decided to propose like
I really lamented over that decision so
I fought a lot about it
I can’t I didn’t make like I didn’t
write out a list but I had a list in my
head of like all the things about you
that I worried about do you remember the
number one thing I was worried about and
oh my tongue I’m so curious Oh me being
sick yeah yeah she used to get sick all
the time is crazytown and so I was like
can i really be a caretaker like forever
this is no to someone like redline but
that’s a whole other school another
thing and so I was like I’m not sure
like that was the one and then I was
like you know what I’m so into this
woman like I can deal with it and then
luckily with the exception of the
sort of black that year it didn’t come
to fruition that I’ve been a full-time
caretaker but that that was like I went
through that process I made sure that I
really wanted to do it and then once I
proposed I should say once I decided I
was going to propose I’ve been all in
from that day yes but we had a very
strange way of dating and getting
together and to be honest I think the
one thing we never really had what we
managed to navigate through it but I
think it was can be difficult for people
is when we live together it was never
like most of time we were with my mom so
it’s like you’re not in your own space
just you to run a figure thing about my
mom
you know bless you do our grocery
shopping so we never had the discussion
of whose responsibility that was like
there was all these things I think you
really do learn about somebody when you
live with them intimately day in and day
out and then you figure out also roles
responsibilities and you kind of
overcome all of those when you get to
live together but I think if you don’t
live together there are things that you
will surprise you and not that
necessarily for me it would have been a
deal breaker but you know one thing can
lead to another to me to another in you
know end up not being compatible do you
think you should live I think you should
live together like anything else is
matching and I’ll just plant a stake in
the ground if you don’t live together
and you don’t have sex before you
married your that is so crazy
yeah do you mind comes the compatibility
a and B like it comes to what are all
the like things you haven’t thought of
right like it yeah but then also like
even if we’re not compatible on
something we’ve been in that situation
and then you kind of almost you test
each other like how do they handle one
you have a conflict right so it’s like
if I say to you look look it’s really
important to me you leave your socks all
over the floor and you still leave your
socks on the floor it tells me something
about you that I’ve been tried to be
honest upfront like this is something
that’s important to me and then you
don’t reciprocate it may just be socks
on the floor but it tells me something
about your character and our
relationship and how we overcome
problems and I think that that’s a big
thing as well and then
he says sex within that major important
physical attraction and word all right
got another question from ready for a
really random thing right before we get
to that always so did you know that
women will predict whether a man is
going to be good in bed or not based on
how he walks like consciously
I don’t know if I can say consciously
but this was so he just had call me
please
I’d also educate to sex I I can’t say
that all I’ll say is that so we just did
an episode with the amazing Vanessa van
Edwards for impact theory coming out
probably in three or four weeks
amazing amazing amazing research
scientist does all the stuff and she
said that yeah there’s been multiple
studies done on how and god
I think and now admittedly we didn’t get
into this new episode this is just
something I came across in my research
we never had a chance to talk about it
and I would love to get her on
relationship there would be so amazing
but is I think it’s they can accurately
predict whether a man will be good in
bed based on how he walks but I think
it’s not just walking that’s how guys
fit it’s a big thing there you know
studies here yeah that’s not the way he
sits what does that mean I don’t really
like confidence right so if you think
confidence is yeah then it will you sit
yes thank you talking like power poses
like gives the way your legs are the way
your arms are like if you’re kind of
like a little dweeby and you’re like you
know and look just my interpretation if
a guy’s sitting there kind of like
they’re hunched over I mean is not
confident and now you take that same man
in bed do you think he’s going to be
mister like rambunctious and wow this
rambunctious is what we look for is it
let me write that down but you know I
mean it means that he literally what you
probably won’t be confident in bed so
and look at this you’re you call
on the study
I don’t know not at all I’m saying it’s
not I don’t think it’s isolated to just
walking I think its body language in
general it’s the way you present
yourself I think it’s with clothing I
think it’s with the way you talk or I
think they were trying to boil it down
to like how quickly and from what like
what’s the least thing that you could
get it from but I’ll be sure to let her
know that you don’t buy into the
research she was an amazing guest
amazing and all right so the next
question by Kevin M Smith do you think
that once a couple begins to get serious
that is a good idea to discuss how they
behave when they are upset or angry what
they need in order to resolve conflict
and ground ground rules for conflict is
a good idea question mark and if ground
rules is go ahead you are me to go first
a hundreds then got to have rules of
engagement I think the more areas that
you have specific discussed and agreed
upon rules of engagement the better off
you’re going to be that is so critical
and that’s one of the things like if
somebody said okay beyond sort of the
obvious things like compatibility and
all that that you guys have like what’s
the secret to your longevity I would say
getting specific about what over
communication means so communication is
for sure been the key but the thing
about our communication like getting
down into the weeds is defining terms
creating rules of engagement giving the
keys to the kingdom like so keys of the
kingdom we already discussed which is
like telling the other person when
you’re emotionally sober how to deal
with you when you’re not emotionally
sober and like what’s going to be the
thing then comes down back to neutral
defining terms what is important mean
what does the promise mean like what are
those things so that when the other
person says it like and they think
they’re being super direct and you feel
like well you never said so those words
need to be defined you need to have sort
of magic words if you will and then
rules of engagement like so how do we
deal with XYZ and I think there’s so
many areas of your life that need that
certainly like conflict resolution
because somebody earlier had asked like
I like to disengage she wants to staying
like how do we deal with that and if
you’ve agreed about it ahead of time
then it it becomes much easier because
the other person knows like you were
saying this isn’t me like shutting down
because I don’t care this is me I need
to get back to neutral so that this can
be productive and speaking of like love
languages right what’s going to rub some
on the wrong way because let me tell you
if you know certain words it’s going to
rub the other person in wrong way don’t
use them in an argument unless people
actually want to do the deal yeah but
then you’re like just escalating what I
exactly so that’s what I mean like
understanding that person in the
languages that they use so that if you
are in that situation like just don’t
use it yeah that’s a really really good
point and something that I I think we’ve
done a good job of even when we’re
pissed
we don’t jab at the other person yeah I
think one time you said to me you’re
being bitchy and I got so upset and
you’re like but I think what you’re a
bit older you career rich and you’re
like I didn’t call you bitch I said you
were being good channels like even that
like it really upset me and if you think
is like okay rephrase the word think you
being mean okay cool I can live before
whatever reason for me that word I just
don’t like it it made me feel like you
were calling me a bitch even though you
weren’t and but I just owned up to that
and I was like this word I don’t like
and so you’ve obviously never said it
again and then it it actually was
interesting though to remind myself of
like why don’t I like being called a
bitch because being a bitch is not nice
but you’d only like it kind of reminded
me like okay what a shocking
interpretation remind you like don’t do
that bro you don’t want to be perceived
like that because you don’t like that
word and that kinda has like a knock-on
effect it’s interesting and I mean I
guess this is maybe like a power-play
thing but if you were like you’re being
a dick it wouldn’t have that not a
trigger for me woman thing yeah yeah
when I saw the female outfit I will tell
you right now yes they do very much and
hash tag again I did not say she was a
bitch just for the record because I can
already feel this one spiraling out of
control now you didn’t or even in fact
so speaking again languages the see
you next Tuesday word I literally is the
one word I’ll never say like and you’ve
awesome you never said it I might have
you would too like I get a sparkle in
your eyes to me yes I kind of did it
like you I do it but here’s the thing
that because you know that word if you
feel so strongly against some a woman
who has done something that is like that
you specifically use it to me and you’ll
emphasize it so I know exactly how you
feel true all right just get scoop
questions what has been this is from
Matt Wyman again what has been the
single best discipline you have used to
strengthen your relationship both
individually and together the single
best discipline yeah quite sure I don’t
serve with that but the so tactics may
be what are the tactics that we use
communication is the obviously let’s try
to give people something a little bit
more than that
proximity like that’s a big deal making
sure that we spend time together that’s
been really really important I don’t
think there’s any substitute for
proximity just to make it really
clinical I think you have to like be
together and that’s one of the secrets
to our success has been you know when
you talk about growing together that’s a
big one so we started out I work all day
you didn’t and that was us very much
going in separate directions and then
when we started working together that
was one thing but like I was the boss
and you were the employee so like there
wasn’t necessarily the balance in that
and then now truly being equals in the
company like that’s been awesome that’s
been a really great way for us to put in
the time be together have the same share
a vision shared just like the dream of
exactly what we’re trying to build like
there’s so much togetherness and all of
that that’s been great I know that is
certainly not something that everybody
can accommodate with their lives but
that’s been really really beneficial so
if we didn’t
have that like my recommendation to
couples would be to have something
that’s goal-oriented so let’s say being
dance partners or something like that in
fact this is really interesting if you
and I were going to be dance partners
I’d want to try to win something and
then like in that because you’re going
to it’s like the same thing the same
reason it’s interesting you not sure why
I would want that because you’re so not
competitive even when we not all so
watch me in this this is why suffering
is useful because it forces you to come
up with tactics if we were trying to win
something in fact what he’s talking
about video games like I’m so
competitive and we’re fine actually but
I guess when we take into the family
like you do like to win but you’re not
like like my family my brother and your
sister so competitive versus where they
like start scratching out people’s eyes
are they going but but you’re like oh I
would like to say even with that I’ve
won the Christmas Cup twice the funny
thing is you absolutely have but is not
that like it’s not my highest value
that’s the reason like so when I go into
something as long as I’m having fun as
long as I’m enjoying the family like I’m
all for it yeah but below that I love
winning like that’s really fun it’s a
great way to test your skills and like
but with the video games like I am
playing to win every time and so there’s
just one part of the game that you never
play that’s like really hard and you’re
playing against just like the best
people that play the game and I always
put that I go to the casual so there’s
two places you can play like competitive
and casual you’re playing the same
people so it’s just a question of do
your teammates expect you to be amazing
or they going to tolerate that you’re
just there to have fun now I’m there to
win let’s make no mistake about it but I
always go to casual because my skill set
is just not like people would freak out
if they got me on their team in a
competitive like new space they’d not be
pleased and but I’m the only one that’s
like there to win like when you talk to
the other people they’re like oh I can’t
believe like people take this so
seriously and stuff and I’m like I don’t
understand like why would you hate on
that like yes okay we got our asses
handed to us yes the people that were
playing against it clearly practiced and
they’re very good but isn’t that the
idea like if you’re going to show up if
you’re going to spend
our be the best you can be in that our
like nothing else makes sense to me so
how does that tend to with you’ll have
to come up with the mechanisms to deal
with that like what happens when you
lose do you like and the other person
turns to you like and has intensity and
is like hey we need to figure this out
like we need to try to do like you’re
going to have to learn how to deal with
that right for instance I if there were
there was a certain game I would get so
pissed off so we play as a fireteam it’s
me Lisa and my sister Kim so we’d be in
a fireteam I would get so pissed off
like if we lost
I am so finally but to me like it it
isn’t anger like anger about injustice
or like fighting with somebody it’s just
that I can’t off I can’t believe I did
I’m so mad but I’m having a blast like
I’m having such a good time like to have
been on the competitive stage and tried
mas like so I’m externalizing like you
know frustration and anger but like I’m
having such a good time and you guys are
like we can’t have fun when you do well
never could you trust so yeah this is
actually really interesting to can work
together obviously we’ve been married
for a while but playing video games kind
of introduced the different dynamics
between us and so when we’re playing and
if we lose like if we’re losing like
Lisa what’s hell you doing like you need
to say white behind I told you to go you
know to stay behind the shoot when I
shoot and you yelling and just being
that intense like I’m just like if
you’re not having fun and okay but don’t
like for me to do in so eivin’s start
getting like I don’t enjoy it row
because I want to feel like haha no you
just messed up and even though I want to
win it’s like just a different way of
approaching it so and so in that going
back to the dancing I’ve had to learn
even though that and you’re definitely
misrepresenting what I do I speak very
intensely and I will give you that but
I’m not like screaming what are you
doing but I’ve had to realize when I
external eyes like that even though
internally I’m still having a great time
I’m just really intense that doesn’t
play for you and Kim so I’ve had to like
change my language and adapt which makes
me think like there’s a difference
between how you feel and want to
communicate and be communicated to and
how the other person can
we hear you so things like that give you
the tools that you need in all the other
aspects of your life so I think they’re
like heightened not stress but like the
elevated intensity and seriousness of a
competition is actually interesting for
sussing out like how you work together
and deal with yeah like I think and it’s
funny that I was saying that forgetting
that we actually already have that in
our lives which is interesting and how
like that’s actually become a big part
of our quality time is being competitive
change is really interesting but when no
competitive against each other always
maintained yes I would get exactly zero
joy from beating you and there is one
part of the game which we played a few
times where I’ll actually let you kill
me to make sure that you get like your
bounties and stuff like that and that
actually makes me happy yeah but yeah
killing you and again in a game bringing
actually still there like because then
you get charged you know like um
positions so even though we’re in the
same team we do then have a position
within that team and like I do find joy
though when I get to number one don’t
you
Rosa yeah that and I totally get that
we’d about it it makes me like proud
that I got to number one otherwise I do
this is really interesting so this is
really interesting because I want to
beat you like on our team right like I
want to be at the top but I feel
absolutely fantastic when I am at the
top and at the same time I love it like
when you crush and while I’m like
crestfallen I have not done better I’m
so stoked for you because you performed
and really killed it in question that is
such an interesting thing that I really
force myself to feed into to be actively
proud to vocalize my pride to you when
you do well but at the same time when I
crush like I’m going to own it like I
crushed it like I’m so so 2 of 1 and
when people can get into that zone I
think that’s really important and the
last thing would eff you can’t imagine
how gross I would find it if you felt
you had to lose to me like oh that’s so
emotionally weak when somebody can’t
like tolerate that and
look I can say that as somebody who used
to be like that and I’ve talked about
this ad nauseam I actually thought you
would only find me sexy if I could beat
you at everything that and I get to the
physics of human psychology no one wants
to lose it everything
nobody ever so that just didn’t make
sense but someone also wants to feel
like you have someone that is champion
you so much that they want to see you
win and you talk about that a lot right
like with the team here with any of your
friends like you just want to see people
win and that was really powerful for me
to see I mean and you do it all the time
with me but for whatever reason the
hellish aerobic podcast was really a big
thing for me you were because I don’t
know like you just you took it to a new
level and making me feel like you were
my biggest fan and you would tell
everyone that you would me and you were
so supportive and so encouraging and
then on the day of our release like you
so it was about like I’m so proud of my
wife and that was so genuine and I felt
like I had someone who wanted to see me
win and with couples I think that’s so
important like you had put yourself
aside like nothing I’m not even thinking
about myself I’m not thinking about
anything except I want this person to
succeed and I think if you can do that
with your partner and let go of any
emotions you may have whether it’s in a
competition on the video game or or in
something you know in life just putting
them first and saying I believe in you
so much and I really want to see you
succeed gives a support that I don’t
know how to replicate other than that
like be your partner’s the biggest
cheerleader so powerful it’s super
important and that’s like the core to me
of relationships be somebody’s number
one and I’m always grateful when I have
an opportunity to prove you’re my number
one right and I just think that it’s a
quality people should nurture in
themselves to want other people to have
a chance to shine like you’ve got to
want other people to have a chance to
shine and you can by rewarding your
and punishing yourself you can get to
the point where it’s like maybe that’s
not your default position maybe you just
like you’ve got first of all shining is
awesome so everybody wants to shine
winning is awesome for sure for sure but
you have to also train yourself to be
able to like no this isn’t my time to
shine this is their time to shine let
them shine and I don’t know I’ve never
understood people that can’t like take a
back seat for a minute and let somebody
else just like be the absolute center of
the universe and I think that’s a good
test for people look at your partner
look what what is important to them and
meaningful to them and then what can you
do to make them feel like you are their
number one fan right whether it’s like
obviously for you you post on social and
that was a really meaningful thing for
me and you know it was used shouting
from the rooftops which going back to
when you proposed so he proposed to me
Alexandra Palace in London is one of the
highest point Chicago V High of the
entire point except for like in a
building yeah that’s what I need that so
you basically were like I love this
woman so much I want to shout it from
the rooftops and so it has to be immune
from you like hang on a minute a place
where you can see all the rooftops so
you would propose at Alexandra Palace
that has this beautiful view of London
and so that metaphor really kind of came
together but what is that version for
other people like what is you letting
that person know that you’re screaming
from the rooftops that you’re their
number one fan and you want them to
succeed I think that that person would
really and reciprocate it like so
special and I think it could be huge of
course so we’re pretty much out of time
yeah the one thing though that I wanted
to always talk about our relationship
and things that we discover about each
other and techniques and stuff like that
and this trip to London and to town was
so meaningful in so many different
levels but I came out of it with a
couple of things that I was like well we
I just like felt a different emotion or
learnt something you want was you
basically screaming from the rooftops of
how proud you were of me and let that
support that I had also you know what
obviously I want the pods
succeed and just crush it and have an
impact and have an effect on young women
out there but even if it didn’t I was so
just and proud of how you were about me
so like that was so touching and
meaningful to me and then so in fact
this to rethink so then the second thing
was putting into action when you’re we
have the same goal and one person isn’t
necessarily fulfilling it so I said to
you and one of the guys I think it was
actually Matt had turned around to me
and said to me like are you doing this
it with some other social media platform
and I was like oh my god not like I
can’t even keep up right now like one
step at a time like I’ve just gotta get
on IG story like and you turned around
and you said stop whining man up
later he didn’t miss a beat
you just said Laguna as I’m like trying
to make with these reasons why I haven’t
touched over prissa I haven’t even
touched on that platform yet and you lit
you know like man up stop
whining you asked for this you wanted it
you want to create impact so don’t be
lazy get up and and I think initially I
was like the first it was Sun for about
five seconds so like it – is it and then
I just stopped up that train of thought
and I was like he’s absolutely right if
you started slacking off for the bigger
vision of what we’re trying to do and
where we’re trying to go I would call
you on it and the fact that you just did
it right there right then in front of
somebody else like I was like you can’t
you’ve got a net what he’s saying thing
because it’s true not let it simple to
seize your husband and so I’ve done a
few miles okay the thing is I remember
that so well and all of the credit goes
to you if it’s done for five seconds
even let it show like you were you’re
absolutely right you turned on a dime
and we’re like a hundred percent I’m on
it but always use that sting to remind
myself like it’s singing Boudreau – sure
right it’s like when somebody’s like
really upset over something you said
like maybe you have to analyze why
you’re so upset right like is this in
truth to it and that then you’re pushing
back even harder and I might instinct to
sting my instant was to push bad
not really respect that and I really
respect the you called me on it so you
have to make sure that your partner’s
willing to hear it cuz I will play
engagement right now we’ve talked about
this a thousand times so yeah yeah so
but if you can get to that point we just
push enough to say the right thing
enough to help that person realize
you’re saying it because you care about
them not because you’re just trying to
demean them and that’s really where it
came from that’s how I felt
you’re not trying to make me feel lazy
you’re just trying to say like look if
this is what you want like I’m holding
you to the standard that you want to be
held in and so yeah that was from that
love them a really cool lesson and then
I knew I was going to forget my oven
less number one yeah all right well then
we’ll tap out there guys thank you so
much for joining us this is a great
episode I really enjoyed this one of you
guys did as well as always if this
content is adding value to your life
please do share it and if you haven’t
yet checked out the Shero ik podcast
with lisa bill you and Kathy ho be sure
to check it out it is amazing you guys
are going to love it and please follow
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everywhere and i’ll bite her eyes later
because she should have also reminded
you guys to follow her at at lisa bill
you so words anytime yeah yeah at least
bill you amazing social content she’s
even going to be on twitter it’s going
to be amazing so thank you guys so much
for being part of the community in the
world if you haven’t already subscribed
here be sure to do so and until next
time my friends be legendary
take care
—
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