Shortly after my second episode of schizoaffective disorder at age 25 I felt extremely isolated and alienated from society. I had spent the prior five years in social isolation and for a while I was unable to even carry on an intelligible conversation never mind speak much at all. My psychosis inhibited my speaking and my comprehension. To overcome my isolation the first step was regaining my ability to communicate. Being that I hadn’t been talking to anyone for several years I forgot the way a conversation is carried on. Matching up with a good doctor in talk therapy was the first step in rehabilitating my communicative abilities. We talked about anything under the sun and he validated my thoughts and had positive responses to anything and everything I said which encouraged me to speak more. Another useful tool for regaining my speaking abilities was listening to live TV and the radio. These mediums gave me a sense of what was appropriate to say and what wasn’t appropriate to say. It also helped me to understand the way conversations are carried on and also the smaller facets like when you’re supposed to speak and how to respond to people in a cordial way. After a while my communicative abilities improved but the next step was searching for friends.
At age 25 I felt extremely isolated and alienated from society.
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Initially I reached out to people I had known since I was very young. I had friends who worked in psychology so they understood what I was going through and made an effort to spend time with me periodically. This was extremely helpful because I was able to have some social interaction with people who cared for me. As I was in a state of mind that was less functional and definitely not as healthy as the average person, having social interaction with these people helped me because they knew how to respond to me and how to interact with me in a positive way. I knew it was difficult for them to hang out with me because I wasn’t as easy to be around at the time but they still made an effort to help me and I’m forever grateful for their help. There were times I tried socializing with people who were less knowledgeable about schizophrenia in and they were negative and disparaging towards me. They didn’t understand what I was going through and didn’t know how to react to me and treat me. For a while I didn’t have much social interaction but these smaller interactions were helpful.
The next step in relieving my isolation was going back to work. At work, I was forced to interact with others which helped improve my social skills immensely. I worked in retail which was a double-edged sword. All the social interactions were a lot of work and really painful for a while. Every day after work I reflected upon what went well socially and what didn’t go well. For the social situations that didn’t go well I asked myself what I could do differently if I am put in the same or similar social situation again. The other good part about work was that people generally make an effort to get along with one another. At work, we have to be cordially in order to do well, to keep a positive and safe environment, to accomplish the goals of the business, and also just to make the work day go by faster and be more enjoyable. This means even when I said strange things people were still willing to be nice to me which was really helpful. For a while when my social life outside of work was lagging I actually looked forward to work because of all the social interaction involved. This helped boost my mood and self-esteem.
Outside of work, making friends was initially difficult. One thing that helped me in particular was participating in activities that I enjoyed and then making friends because of them. I joined a writing group that met bi-weekly which I’m still a part of today. Some weeks when I had no one to hang out with I looked forward to my group and spent a lot of time writing. The group had like minded people who also had goals of improving their writing so we all got along well and it was an enjoyable process. At about age 26 I realized writing is my passion and I wanted to write simply because I enjoyed it. Having found my passion was really helpful because it gave me something positive to work towards. There were many nights where I had nothing to do socially so I worked on improving my writing and just writing in general and this kept my mind off my loneliness. The process of writing itself makes me feel less lonely because I feel like I’m carrying on a conversation and it’s a form of expression which makes me feel like I am socializing in some way or form. The other side of the coin is reading which also makes me feel like I have someone to talk to. Reading other author’s words has made me feel engaged in a story and conversation and also feels like a form of socialization. However, I still needed real people to communicate and interact with.
I learned that there were different friends in my life who served different purposes.
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Another common interest I found was billiards. I decided to join a league which was great for my social life. It forced me to get out of the house once a week and spend time with friends while playing a game I enjoyed. We also practiced on off days to improve our skills so we could do better in our matches which created more social opportunities. Through my pool league I made a good group of friends who I still hang out with today. Another good social opportunity for me has been golf. I love golf and have a few friends who golf so that has been another way to hang out with and meet friends with a common interest and just play a fun game.
Although I have had activities to participate in there were times I still felt isolated. I felt there weren’t too many people that I could relate to who were like-minded and it felt isolating. I eventually found a talk therapy group called DBSA which is nation wide. I had to force myself to go the first few weeks and now I never miss it. It’s enjoyable because I can talk to folks about mental health subjects openly. It’s been liberating because everywhere else I go I’ve had to live a secret life. I haven’t been able to talk to others about my writing and lecturing and schizophrenia simply for fear of prejudice. Going to the group allows me to speak openly about anything I want and it’s been really liberating. Not only was everyone on the same page but I learned that a lot of people were having the same problems as I was, when I had previously felt I was the only one dealing with the issues I had in my life.
Some friends are social friends and there are others who I can really count on when times are tough or I need someone to talk to.
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Overall, I learned that there were different friends in my life who served different purposes. Some friends were really close and I could talk about anything with them and we always make an effort to hang out. They were people I consider family and they are few and far between but they’re the ones I’ll know for my whole life. Others were friends from DBSA with whom I talked about mental health subjects and other things. I have my work friends with whom we discuss every day things and we just spend time at work together and sometimes go out after work. I’ve had friends I play cards with who talk more sports and gambling and lighter subjects and just have fun together. In short, some friends are social friends and there are others who I can really count on when times are tough or I need someone to talk to. The ones I can really count on are the ones who were there for me in my darkest days. However, I’ve learned it’s good to have friends and acquaintances on all different levels and not everyone has to be the type I can count on in difficult situations.
Photo by Erik Cleves Kristensen