“I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD. Back when I was still a kid, my mom couldn’t handle me when I was feeling super energetic. She told me she’d get a headache from me yelling and being all over the place. I didn’t want to drive her crazy, so I learned to get rid of my excess of energy by doing things that would make me feel unhappy. Now that I’m an adult, I’m noticing that whenever I feel in the flow, I keep doing things that will counteract my happiness and flow, like getting into fights with people. How can I manage my peaks in a healthier way?”
This is a question I came across on one of my social feeds, and I think it’s such an important one to discuss, because many of us struggle with the aftermath of our environment not dealing well with how our brain works. As adults, figuring out how to deal with self-sabotage can really be a game-changer.
So first of all, if you at all relate to this, can I just give you a massive high five for actually being aware of why you’re acting the way you do? This is probably the most important step, because you’ve already identified the cause of the issue.
Feeling unsafe on a dopamine high
Looking at it a bit deeper, essentially here’s what happened: when this person was a kid, experiencing a dopamine rush was an unsafe experience for them. They were taught that having a dopamine rush hurt the people they care about. Being the caring person that they are, they chose to counteract the rush, even at the cost of hurting themselves. Compare it to a ball: when the ball is filled with air, it bounces around. This person was so afraid the bouncing would hurt someone, they chose to deflate themselves by any means necessary, like puncturing themselves (metaphorically speaking).
As an adult, you’re already aware that puncturing yourself might not be the best way to deflate yourself, whether for your own good or because you want to minimize collateral damage. You have established you want to manage your peaks in a healthier way. But how?
Three approaches to dopamine peaks
One option would be by trying to avoid the dopamine peaks entirely, and there is plenty of ways to do that. Basically, what you’re looking at is regulating your dopamine so that it’s more balanced. Ways to do this include food, minimizing social media and online game exposure, and even medication. You probably won’t get to a point where you get rid of the peaks entirely, but overall you’ll feel more level.
Another option is by managing your ‘deflation’ in a healthier way: instead of puncturing yourself to let the air out, maybe just use the valve. Instead of doing things that make you unhappy, focus on other ways to level out your dopamine whenever you’re experiencing a rush. Meditation and mindfulness can really help with this, as well as going for a walk, petting a cat, or doing anything else that helps regulate the nervous system.
I’m not a huge fan of these two options, because I feel they partly perpetuate your childhood trauma: you keep avoiding the thing that feels unsafe, even though you’re an adult now and it no longer has to be unsafe. I’m not saying you shouldn’t level out your nervous system. I’m just saying you should do it for yourself, not because to pacify those around you.
My preferred option — and here I have to acknowledge the privilege I have — is to embrace the peaks and ride the wave.
As an adult, you no longer have to lower your energy levels because of your parents. You can choose the people who surround you, and the moments that they do. You can use the peaks to get in the flow and create your best work. You can bounce around and use the kinetic energy for your many projects.
A 3-step approach to optimizing your energy peaks
Making most of your dopamine rush is easier said than done, so may I offer a 3-step approach that helps me thrive?
Step 1: Become aware
Your goal to deal with dopamine surges the healthy way: identify them when they happen, ideally before you subconsciously act on them. That way, instead of going with the coping mechanism instilled in you in your childhood, you can consciously choose how you’d like to act.
Meditation and mindfulness may feel woo-woo, but they are actually super important tools to help you get to this point. A way to train your self-awareness is by doing multiple check-ins a day: “How am I feeling right now? How is my body feeling? What urges am I feeling? What would I be doing if I were acting on my instincts?” Ask yourself these questions multiple times throughout the day so they become a habit. Yes, this step takes time, but the more you practice, the more mindful you’ll become of what’s going on with you.
Step 2: Peak prep
In truth, this is more like another step 1, since you can do both steps simultaneously. While you’re training your mindfulness, you’ll want to prepare an alternative to implement when you’re experiencing self-destructive tendencies.
Compare it to puppy potty training: you see signs of a puppy wanting to pee, you take them outside so your carpet doesn’t get messy. You see signs of yourself wanting to release of this energy you have, you redirect it so your life doesn’t get messy.
With potty training, it helps if you’ve got the leash ready and you know where your keys are, so you can act right away. Likewise, in order to redirect effectively, you’ll want to be ready so your hyperactive self doesn’t get the better of you. That’s where peak prep comes in.
First thing to consider is that apparently, some environments feel very unsafe for you to experience peak energy. So ask yourself: what does your environment need to look like for you to feel safe to have a dopamine rush? Maybe this means you’ll want to be alone, or if you’ll want people around you — maybe you’re only okay with very specific people? Maybe, you’ll want music that helps you feel safe, or blessed silence? A comforting blanket? A particular smell?
Second, you’ll want to get clear on what you’d like to do with all of your flowy energy. What would you like to direct it to? Personally, I often use my flow for writing and/or sketching out ideas, but maybe you want to use yours to clean your home, or exercise, or take over the world.
The key here is to list different possible environments and projects for you to implement in different scenarios. For instance, locking yourself up in your room and creating an oil painting might be your go-to project at home, but out-of-reach when you’re at work. There, you might opt for taking a coffee break outside and brainstorming solutions for a project.
Try to keep the environments and projects within easy reach. Going to the gym might actually be a great idea, but if you struggle to find the willpower to actually go there, you probably won’t do it.
And don’t forget that it’s trial and error. It’s totally possible (and very likely) that you’ll tweak your lists as you go (for instance because you find out coffee is taking things too far when you’re already high on dopamine).
Step 3: Integration
Lastly, you’ll integrate the first two steps. You become mindful of your peaks and the self-destructive tendencies that come with them (whether yours are picking fights or disintegrating in YouTube videos for hours), and you consciously redirect your energy towards the alternatives you designed in your peak prep.
As you do this more often, you’ll find that it’s totally possible (and absolutely amazing) to experience your dopamine peaks fully and make the most of them. Instead of your kryptonite, they’ll become your biggest allies. They will help you build that business, compose that music piece, or set up that volunteering program. Or at least finally fold your laundry. And wouldn’t that be the biggest win of all?
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: That’s Her Business on Unsplash
