Life can be a sh*t-show. And sometimes you get so low you don’t think it’s feasible to get any lower yet somehow you end up four levels below that. It’s not that you ever consciously decide to screw-up but it can happen that every decision you make, no matter your intention, just worsens the situation.
I remember begging to any invisible force to have “this” situation be my rock bottom. The place I need to be before turning my life around. Just like all those rags to riches stories.
The problem is not hitting rock bottom. It’s that it can get worse. No matter how little you think you have left to give or lose there’s always more to go. When all physical things are gone, when there’s no one left but you, it’s your spirit that starts wilting away.
You start seeing yourself as less-than, as unworthy and that kicks off a spiral that self-fulfils. The situation starts you thinking you’re not good enough, the belief you’re not good enough affects your actions. Your actions reap certain responses that confirm your beliefs and so you spiral down.
Feeling good seems like a distant memory. You’re in survival mode. All you can do is force yourself forward or get left behind. You forget things that once seemed normal, like not feeling stressed at all hours of the day, like not longing, more than anything, for relief or release.
Rock bottom starts to feel comfortable. You know what it’s like down here, especially if you’ve been here a few times. The dreams you once had seem even further away than they ever did before. No longer goals but something you could have achieved if you were a different person.
You know in your heart you deserve more, better. It keeps you up at night that you’re not. When searching the armoury of who you are, you wander around your memories desperately seeking a sign that rock bottom wasn’t your fault.
And the reality is, it wasn’t your fault.
It was a shit hand of cards or a great hand that went bust but it isn’t the last hand you ever get to play unless you leave the table.
No-one can pull you from rock bottom but you. You can ask for help, ask for support but you must ask. Believe yourself worthy enough to be helped. That’s the first step.
You will have to be brave again, face things that previously weren’t given a second thought, like being around people, and getting a job or the harder things like seeing your worth or believing in yourself.
Because the truth is rock bottom is comfortable. As humans, we adapt and stick to what we know even if what we know is bad for us. Terrible situations can seem safer than trying. The bravest thing we can do is start to care for ourselves.
Self-love is too strong a word at this stage. It is so far off what feels comfortable to us. So, start with self-compassion. Don’t try and figure out who’s fault it is that you ended up here. Know that you are here. That is a solid fact. Other people have been in their version of this hell before and they’ve gotten out of it.
From that fact, you can start to take steps. You will fall, probably many times but this time with self-compassion in your arsenal to prop you up.
Self-compassion isn’t as hard as self-love but it’s a step in the right direction. And one step in the right direction is one step closer to where you want to be. You just have to be willing to be a small bit uncomfortable.
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Previously Published on Medium
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