Rocks Crumble

Content warning, for the squeamish, in case this is TMI for you.

A few days ago I was in the midst of yet another round of kidney stones attempting to make their exit from my body. It was not my first rodeo, so I knew, or at least, suspected what was going on with right flank pain. The only other possibility, I thought, was appendicitis, since, even at 63, I still have that extra organ that some people’s bodies eject years earlier. I had no fever or chills, so I ruled that one out. Up at all hours, desperately attempting to sleep my way through it, using Extra Strength Tylenol, a heating pad, and ice packs to quell nausea and persistent pain. No dice. I even spent a few minutes on my recumbent bike in the living room at 2 a.m. hoping to move those suckers along. Earlier in the day, I had an appointment with my Physician Assistant who prescribed Flomax and an antibiotic, since the last time kidney stones came to call in early 2020, I developed E-coli from a blockage. The symptoms waxed and waned even as I watched the wee hours of the morning episode of Sex and the City in which Baryshnikov plays one of Carrie’s love interests. It kept me distracted for a bit but then the pain got the better of me and I attempted to sleep. Prayer, music, reading, writing, all in an attempt to make it through to morning, since I didn’t want to attempt a late night drive to the ER. Blessedly, I only live 10 minutes from my local hospital. After calling my PA who suggested that I head to the hospital, I heeded her advice. I love Doylestown Health which is highly rated for all kinds of services they provide. Shortly after arriving, I was taken back to see a triage nurse for her to get my symptom list and take vital signs. She sent me back out to the waiting room briefly where I entertained myself and a bored 6 or 7-year-old who was there with his grandmother with a game of ‘I Spy’. He was tricky and came up with some good objects for us to locate and was able to solve the ones we suggested for him to find.

Relieved to be ushered to a room where blood was drawn, IV fluids were offered, and then taken for a CT scan which identified two stones- one 7 mm and one 2.5. They were soon to be shown the door (metaphorically speaking) later in the day through a surgical procedure and stents inserted to keep the urine flowing. I had a really good sleep when under general anesthesia since I woke up feeling refreshed. Back in the room, eating for the first time in a few days and drinking what seemed like gallons of water, I was dealing with another major backup. My digestive system was not happy. Miralax and prune juice to the rescue. Suffice it to say that once they kicked in, I wouldn’t have needed a colonic. Nothing like a good cleanse. Oh, and I will never underestimate the benefits of narcotic pain meds when needed. I like to think I have high pain tolerance, but if you have ever experienced kidney stones, you know that is no time to be heroic (unless, of course, if you are in recovery from addiction issues and can’t take narcotics).

An overnight stay to allow me to be monitored and I was back in my own digs yesterday where I stayed in and had my regular Saturday morning meeting for a project I am working on and then an 11-2 Zoom meeting with folks with whom I will be sharing the stage on October 1st for our TED talks, as well as our coaches. I warned them that I might need to duck out periodically for a pee break. Blessedly, only a few times, whew.

In a few weeks, I will find out the content of the stones which will determine any necessary dietary changes. In the meantime, I contemplate the symbolism behind the stones. Writer, teacher, and healer, Louise Hay has referred to kidney stones as ‘lumps of undissolved anger. Makes sense to me, since I tend to be anger and conflict avoidant, so I stuff the feelings down. I have, however, gotten better at writing about what triggers anger.

I have also long considered myself ‘the rock of the family,’ an inheritance from my mother who, like me, was the go to person for her family and friends. I used to remind her that rocks crumble. Clearly, mine have been doing so for a long time. I am learning to let go of the erroneous and dangerous belief that I have to carry anyone and always be the rock on which people lean. I am resting, in solitude if need be. I am saying no to what I really don’t have to do. My body is telling me in no uncertain terms, to simply be.

“We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. Consequences give us the pain that motivates us to change.”― Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

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