If the leaks from the Supreme Court can be trusted, it seems that the powers that be have decided to overturn Roe Vs. Wade. Which means that states will now be able to regulate or eliminate a woman’s right to choose.
I mean, c’mon! Everyone knows that I write about parenting from a man’s perspective and this is just another area where dads are ignored! I deserve to have my rights trampled as well, and honestly, I’m greatly offended that dads have been so ignored during this debate.
So, I’m going to make sweeping changes on behalf of all men. How can I do that? Simple. I just do it without regard to anyone else and should I get criticized, I simply tell them that they are Un-American and to get their non-patriotic opinions out of this country. See, easy peasy. And please remember, I’m a man which means I have an inherit ability to make decisions for others without talking to them. It’s called leadership.
Let’s go over our new rules for society.
- All fathers are now considered primary caregivers and will take over all childcare duties. My dudes, don’t argue this one with me. I’m an at-home dad. I know from first-hand experience that we are capable, and if you say that we are not, you’re lying. So men, time to step up to the plate! Oh, and if you choose to just ditch like so many men have done in the past with unwanted pregnancies, that’s going to be child abandonment complete with jail time. We’ll use the same jail sentences for pot, and sentence by the ounce. Hope you don’t have 10 pound babies out there somewhere.
2. Women don’t have to stick around at all. If they don’t, we’ll track them down eventually after a couple of years unless we totally forget about it or we make the process so confusing that we don’t even look for them in the first place.
3. Should you be in Congress and your mistress gives birth, men are now required to move the mistress and the love child into their home. Sure, it may look like a polyamorous situation, but trust me it’s not. It’s just taking responsibility for our sexuality and as a man I find that we always like to take responsibility. It’s really just about family values.
4. There are going to be some child support changes. I know, this one can get really controversial. But each man will be required to open a child support account when they decide to have sex. Your wages will be garnished as a precautionary measure to insure your compliance. If an embryo, or the thought of one, is considered a life then you need to pay for it. I know that a lot of men have huge problems with the child support system, so we’ll fix it right from the start. We can make it like a draft. Reach puberty and head down the bank for your mandatory account. See, now we are making a real difference in the world! Let’s hope our young men can get a job at the ripe old age of 13.
We are making some real changes here that I’m sure everyone is happy with. I do want to address the complaint that men are getting bullied by my new rules. Why should they be on the hook for childcare when historically they’ve been able to piss off and disappear? I mean, that’s totally unfair. Well, you made the choice, unlike women. You chose to vote for people that see women as a plump uterus eager for your vigorous seed. And those people listened! So great job, men! Surely there can be no consequences to taking the rights away from the opposite sex!
5. Anyway, all men now get paternity leave of 8 weeks. Yahoo! We’ve been wanting this one for a long, long time. But unfortunately, your career will stall, you’ll earn less long term, and employers will see you as a liability as you will also be required to take off every time a child is sick, or you can’t find childcare. But 8 weeks, how great is that! Oh, and you don’t get paid during that 8 weeks. We can’t work miracles, you know.
6. You can now be classified as a homemaker instead of unemployed. Ok, this one has really bothered me on tax forms. We can now, by the way, but it wasn’t always the case. So really this one is just about public awareness.
7. Unfortunately, before having a vasectomy, you must have your wife, girlfriend, or mistress’s permission to do so. This is a public safety concern.
8. You are automatically qualified for adoption. Congrats, you are going to adopt. I’m not saying you have the chance to adopt, but you are going to adopt whether you like it or not. You see, having more unwanted pregnancies means more kids that need homes. So on behalf of all peoples, I thank you for forcibly opening your home. Outlawing abortion, as has been made clear, is really a capitalistic problem. A supply and demand baby. There are tons of people that want babies. Oh, but not you. You get the child that is over a year old and of a different race. Does racism play a part in adoption and the demand? Of course, it does, so we are not going to worry about that. You just get an extra kid. Say around age 9 that has been in the foster care system for his entire life. Anyone that has worked in the system, including myself, can verify that the system is beyond its breaking point. There are not enough foster homes, not enough adoptions of special needs kids or kids of a minority race, and that the funding is so lackluster you can’t even throw kids birthday parties and have to beg for donated balloons. Now you get to really help!
If you don’t think that the decision to overturn Roe does not affect men, then you haven’t been paying attention. You have put the onus of your responsibly on someone else. I usually write positive stories concerning men. I write how dads can be better fathers and try and help them navigate our million issues. However, historically, I must admit that men as a whole don’t take those responsibilities seriously enough. There is a reason why we have to prosecute people for not paying child support. There is a reason why the cliché of dad going out for a gallon of milk and never coming back exists. And there is a reason that men have decided to overturn Roe Vs. Wade.
They are under the false belief that none of this affects them. That a woman’s right to choose is not directly correlated to our own freedoms. Those that we have taken for granted, or those that some men have taken advantage of so they can pretend that children don’t exist.
So congratulations. Let’s make sure that men are just as accountable as women when it comes to our sexual health. And if you do have a problem with this, I don’t know, keep an aspirin between your knees and let’s see if that works.
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Photo by Gayatri Malhotra on Unsplash
