Dillan DiGiovanni shares good advice to truly savor your singlehood.
We have a big holiday coming up next weekend!
February 15th is Singles Awareness Day. It’s a day where people who are single get to speak up and say, “Hey, it’s OKAY to be single.”
Bah. More than merely okay, I think singlehood should be savored. The more I listen to people or see their posts on Facebook, I’ve come to realize I’m a little bit weird. I’ve never felt the need to be partnered. Yes, I’ve suffered greatly from the loss of past loves in my life but it was more about my attachment to that person than feeling like a loser because I didn’t have a significant other.
Too many wonderful people spend significant amounts of time “chasing rainbows” of happiness, peace and fulfillment by looking for love in the all the wrong places. And if they aren’t looking for love, they are perhaps settling for sex. Don’t get me wrong, I think healthy sexual identity is part of a healthy life, but all too often people use sex to numb out and hide from true intimacy. A friend said to me the other day, “It’s easy to find someone to f*%^. It’s much more difficult to commit to a partnership and find a soulmate.”
Our society reinforces this at every turn in marketing and media so it really takes some strength and conviction to stand apart from the crowd and claim your singlehood. It’s much easier to seek validation with a rebound. Where most people jump in the sack with anyone just to feel ok, it takes real courage and strength of character to be alone.
We don’t need another person to feel cool or normal or valid. We shouldn’t want a partner just so we’re not alone or people don’t think we are weird or broken in some way. In fact, some of the best times of my life have been the gaps between relationships. I know it can be hard to resist feelings of inadequacy or insecurity, so I thought I’d share some ways to help you savor your singlehood, too.
1) Go on a dating diet.
Research shows that diets don’t work to help you lose weight. You end up gaining back whatever you lost and then some. Dating diets, however, can help you, especially if you find yourself in a trend with relationships. Feeling frustrated with your string of exes? A dating diet helps you step back and say, “whoa, now” and assess whatever the heck wasn’t working. It does require you to actually not date. And abstain from sex, because that’s a relationship, I don’t care how casual it is. You’re still seeking something from someone and your unresolved stuff that caused the trend with previous partners will still be there. A dating diet can help your mind and body detox from recurring patterns. Having a hard time with the thought of this? Consider you’re addicted to needing something from other people, just like people are addicted to coffee or bread or cheese. What is that telling you?
2) Do whatever you want, whenever you want.
You can walk down the street and randomly decide you’re going to the movies. Now. Or fill your weeknights and/or weekend with plans of things you love doing. Treat yourself to brunch. Get a new wardrobe. Travel. Masturbate. Wash the dishes, or not. Decide the pile of laundry can and should get bigger. Sit on the couch and don’t lift a finger for 12 hours, watching movies or knitting or reading whatever you like. When you’re single, you get to have “you time” 24/7 and don’t have to worry if you’re walking that fine line between healthy independence and blatant selfishness. If you’re doing this in a relationship, you probably shouldn’t be in one.
3) Practice being comfortable and content with your own company.
Being alone means different things to different people. Some people really struggle with it, others find it completely comfortable. When your friends aren’t around and there’s nothing to do, are you comfortable and content with your own company? Do you need someone around or pursuing you to feel at peace? Try this for a week. Then two weeks. Then two months. Try not surrounding yourself with people every waking minute. Spend significant amounts of time alone with just yourself. Pay attention to your thoughts. Get in touch with what makes you happy. Make art. Cook for yourself. Train for a triathlon. Become your own best friend so you never feel lonely or alone with or without the presence of another person.
4) Clearly see the misery disguised as “happy” all around you.
Don’t be deceived by appearances. Coupled people aren’t necessarily happy. As a health coach and general careful observer, I’ve learned how often people lead double lives. What you see in those instagram pictures may be the farthest thing from the actual truth. You can pick up a lot listening to bickering couples in grocery stores or sitting silent at restaurants. You can catch subtle, resentful remarks made in a Facebook comment. I’m not saying everyone is miserable, but every time you scroll through Facebook or your phone thinking about everyone else who is so-called “happily” partnered, think again. Many people are unhappy in their relationships, they just don’t have the courage to leave or really invest in improving them. And many of them probably envy you and your freedom!
5) Say novenas for the bullets you’ve dodged.
There is nothing like some good perspective, and a sighting of your ex’s rebound selection, to make you thank your lucky stars that you dodged a bullet. Time, space and some good healthy grieving will help you answer important questions like, “what, exactly, the heck was I thinking?” Reflect on the good times, sure, but bring into high contrast the memories of that person as he or she truly was. Remember the way that person made you feel. Were you loved? Cherished? Prioritized? Or were you treated like an accessory or afterthought? Think of the many people who came before you and say some prayers for the person who followed you in line, because they walked right into the mess that had you running away.
If you want to savor your singlehood, stop complaining about being single or feeling badly about it in any way. Choose to embrace the time and space you have to live your life completely free and unfettered. Practice being really good to your friends and yourself and develop into the partner you want to be when you find the right person. Your partnered friends in miserable relationships want to live vicariously through you, so LIVE IT UP!
Photo: Justin S. Campbell/Flickr
Find Dillan at dillandigi.com.
Follow Dillan on Twitter @dillandigi
I hope you do, too. I hope we all do — ice cream, movies, and LOVE for everyone single, lol. 🙂
That was my night last night!
No denial from this woman. I’ve had many single Valentine’s Days and other holidays. Even though I have a busier life than ever, more friends, am healthier physically and emotionally than ever in my life…I still miss having a partner to share my life with. And being newly single again…this V Day sucks more than previous single holidays. I’m admitting it to myself for once. I’m experiencing the hurt and sad feelings without letting them take me over. The reason many women deny it is that there is a huge stigma around having emotional needs, especially in a romantic relationship.… Read more »
Ice-cream and movies for everyone single, yay!
Thanks for the comment though, I hope you find love again!
Marie, I appreciate your honest and thoughtful comment. I am 100% on board with you and share your same wishes for partnership! I think taking some time to look critically at what wasn’t working before increases our chances of finding and choosing exactly what we want and NEED! Best of luck to you, but I don’t think you will need it. Based on your introspection and self-confidence, I have a feeling that fulfilling love and partnership is right around the corner for you…
People can try dress up the truth as if living single can be a COMPLETELY rewarding experience if you are a sexual being, but it is a lie. One of the basic needs of most humans is companionship, sex, and for many that also includes having your own family. Sure you can have a somewhat decent life single but for many people there will always be a yearning for something more, and for those people a single life is like living without a limb…your life is incomplete and no amount of “doing whatever you want” will fill that hole. There’s… Read more »
I’ve only been single for less than a day now, but I know you are undoubtably correct — at least as far as msot people are concerned. There are true hermit souls out there, but there’s not many of them. I’d like to add, that it can feel rewarding to consciously forego sexual relation, if said relations are available right around the corner. If they are difficult to attain (as is the case with most people) it just becomes a case of sour grapes and feels pathetic. Incidentally I am speaking as a man here (and so are you, Archy).… Read more »
I think it’s a way to try make the pain easier to handle, like when you stub your toe n try tell you there is no pain, there is no pain and hope your mind will believe it.
whatever works, right?! I think it’s healthier to manage our thoughts around suffering by being real about how we feel than medicating in some other way to push them away.
I think generalizing can be a little dicey so let’s say that “some” men and “some” women or “some” people IN GENERAL love being single and some don’t. I am glad you found some comfort in what I wrote today and I shared those thoughts as a person who has done the serial dating thing and has also taken great pleasure in taking a break from needing the company of anyone but myself.
I’m sorry to hear that you choose to feel miserable on those major holidays. I’ve found tremendous comfort knowing that I’m alone for the right reasons instead of partnered for the wrong ones.
And this wasn’t an article promoting a lifetime of singlehood and celibacy. It was about being ok with being single if it lasts a few weeks or months or even a few years. Most people worry if they are single now they will be forever. It’s OKAY to be alone and is, in my opinion, quite healthy to experience this at least once in our lives.
I didn’t choose to feel this way anymore than I choose to feel hungry. Humans have needs, many of us need social contact, many of us need companionship, love, and sex. I’ve been single for over a decade, had sex 3 times in my total adult life, haven’t had a gf and now I am at the point where I see over 90% of my friends have families, kids, have their homes together (homes are very hard to buy on a single income), they get married. I am happy for them but I don’t choose to feel upset and extremely… Read more »