I wrote a series a while back weighing the pros and cons of getting married. Quite a few readers were against marriage. For some, the rationale for being anti-marriage was that they got financially tore up in their divorces so didn’t want to risk that happening again.
If your fear of getting financially devastated in a divorce is what’s preventing you from getting married, hang on a minute.
Maybe it’s time to consider a pre-nuptial agreement — a pre-nup — so you can have the best of both worlds — a marriage, but without the fear and stress of being broke should you get divorced.
With a pre-nup, you can iron out all the financial details of who gets what if you were to divorce — before you ever get married.
Personally, I’m pro pre-nup. About 42%* of adults in the United States think a pre-nup is a good idea, too. So why, then, do more than 80%* of adults in the United States get married without a pre-nup?
Here are four reasons why some people don’t get a pre-nup, along with tips about how to approach the topic with your person, and what to do if your person won’t agree to one.
1. He Can’t Figure Out How to Ask for a Pre-nup
One friend said he wanted a pre-nup, but he couldn’t figure out how to broach the subject. He felt it was a bit rude, somehow, to ask about his woman’s finances.
Talking about money while dating can feel ‘big’, so here’s some guidance on ‘when’ to start talking about money:
Break A Dating Taboo: Talk About Money
When and how to check financial compatibility
leebidoski.medium.com
After you’re familiar with your partner’s financial situation, then you can move on to talking about pre-nups.
Here’s an example of what you can say to start the conversation about a pre-nup:
“Hey, if I ever got married, I’d want to get a pre-nup. I’d like us to start having talks about what a pre-nup would like for us so we can see what we agree on and start brainstorming ways to reconcile disagreements, in case that’s a direction we end up wanting to go one day. When would you like to sit down and discuss this?”
See how easy that was?
Now you can start hemming and hawing. “No, Lee, it’s not THAT easy.” But that’s just it. If that feels ‘hard’ to you, then I gotta ask:
What makes you think you’re ready to be married?
How comfortable are you talking with your person about anything — about a pre-nup, things your person does that annoys you, things you wish your person would do sexually, things that are awkward, things that feel rude to talk about yet also important?
If you’re so uncomfortable that you won’t talk about these things, then, in my opinion, you’ve got a ways to go before you should consider getting married, much less getting a pre-nup.
Maybe your struggle to ask for a pre-nup actually reflects your struggle to talk openly and honestly about anything and everything with your person.
Maybe a reason you’re nervous about bringing up this topic is because you sense your honey is not going to like it. Does that mean you’re…walking on eggshells?
Are you afraid to talk about stuff that may rock the boat, disturb the peace, or kick a hornet’s nest?
I’ll admit: In the title of this piece, I misled you a bit when I said you could learn how to ask for a pre-nup “without upsetting your partner”. Hopefully you now see the point is to be able to talk about all topics, even the ones you fear will upset your partner.
I get that it’s hard to have those hard conversations. But if you’ll keep doing things that are hard, usually, you get better at it, so then it becomes less hard.
Maybe this conversation about pre-nups is exactly what you need for you and your honey to get practice discussing hard topics and, especially, topics that you disagree on. You may need to resolve these before you can move forward with your relationship.
I’ve heard a rumor that relationships — and marriages — built on small talk about weather and sports aren’t the strongest, so…take the bull by the horns, my friend, and go ask your honey what conditions she (or he) wants to put in a hypothetical pre-nup.
2. Pre-nups are Sooo Unromantic
Let’s assume you gather your ‘nads and summon the courage to broach the topic of pre-nups with your partner. Now we can look at some typical resistances you might hear when you ask to talk about a pre-nup.
Some people argue this isn’t terribly romantic. But: If the reason your person gives for not being willing to discuss a pre-nup is because it’s not romantic: Run.
Get the heck out of that relationship. Because you know what else isn’t romantic?
The realities of living with someone who isn’t going to do everything you want them to do, the way you want them to do it, and when you want them to do it, isn’t romantic.
Seeing the white spittle marks on the bathroom mirror after they brush their teeth isn’t romantic.
Wiping each other’s butts in old age when arthritis prevents you from reaching around that far…well, actually, that’s weirdly romantic to me.
You get the idea. The makings of a healthy relationship aren’t entirely romantic. There’s a lot of pragmatism involved in making relationships be healthy and lasting. Talking about conditions you each would want in a pre-nup is a good way to see how your values and logic line up.
If you opt to marry someone who refuses to talk about pragmatic stuff prior to marriage because it’s ‘not romantic’ or ‘it’s pessimistic’, well, good luck.
3. She Won’t Give Me a Pre-nup
One friend told me why he didn’t get a pre-nup:
“I couldn’t get a pre-nup from my ex-wife,” he told me.
“Why not?” I asked.
“When we were engaged, I told her I wanted us to get a pre-nup. She silent treated me for days after that. Then for months after that she made snide comments, like ‘Do you want to pay for half of dinner, or do you want a pre-nup to say I’ll pay for it?’”
My friend married that woman despite her unwillingness to discuss pre-nups. After a two-year marriage, they got divorced. And then he got financially reamed for the next 20 years, as she took half his income and half his retirement though she ended up making more income than him.
From this, you could learn “Don’t get married.”
Alternatively, you could learn, “Don’t marry someone who won’t work through the details of a pre-nup with you.”
So many people set up these checklists of what they’re looking for in a person that they’d want to marry. Must be taller than 6 feet. Must have all their teeth. Must like dogs. Must have a credit score in the 700s or higher.
Personally, my checklist includes this: Must be willing to create a pre-nup with conditions that we can both agree to. (Bonus if he has a vasectomy because that definitely saves us all a lot of hassle and worry.)
So…just as surely as you tell your person all the other bits about you so they can decide whether they want to be in a relationship with you— whether you like to stay at home more or go out clubbing, orchestra or country, shopping or fishing — you can also inform them of your pre-nup stance.
“FYI, I’m a believer in pre-nups. That’s something I’m looking for in a relationship before I’ll go next level with anyone.”
Maybe that’s something dating apps need to add to profiles — a place to mark whether you are or aren’t receptive to working towards a pre-nup.
And if the person doesn’t match you on this important criterion? Don’t date ‘em.
4. $1,000+ a Pop
I’ve looked up the prices of pre-nups. Some lawyers charge $400 an hour to help negotiate pre-nups. And each of you would need your own lawyer to represent your interests…so…yeah…that may be a deterrent for many of us getting a pre-nup.
Or is it?
In an upcoming piece, I’ll give you a guide for how to jumpstart discussions so that you, as a couple, can draft your own pre-nup, unique to your situation, so maybe that will make it a little cheaper.
For now, consider this: Maybe it’s worth a little chunk of change to hammer out a pre-nup, because that’s the price of learning if you and your person are compatible in your beliefs about financial equity in a relationship.
Bottom Line
Pre-nups aren’t sexy. Pre-nups aren’t romantic.
Pre-nups seem pessimistic, like you’re preparing for the relationship to fail before it even gets started.
But pre-nups are also a tool you can use to dig deep with your partner, to learn more about each other, to learn if you’re compatible.
A pre-nup helps you have conversations about some of the most awkward, yet important, topics a couple can discuss. In a sense, that pre-nup can serve you as a form of pre-marital counseling.
Perhaps the unwillingness to work towards a pre-nup may become your dealbreaker, because that means a person isn’t willing to engage in these important conversations with you.
…
*https://theharrispoll.com/briefs/popularity-of-prenups-rising-2022/
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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