Hilary Silver knows something we don’t. Scheduling sex is sexy.
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Anything worthwhile in life requires effort. When something comes too easy, we do not value its worth or deem it a triumph. Friendships require time and effort to flourish, our bodies require tremendous effort to stay healthy and fit and our flowerbeds need care in order to bloom.
Relationships require effort as well. And most relationships that don’t make it are a direct result of not understanding this fact. It takes effort everyday to check ourselves and make sure any runaway thinking is actually a rational snapshot of reality and to pause before speaking to consider our partner’s perspective and feelings — not just our own.
Why are we so shocked when a relationship falls apart after years of neglect? And, how can we possibly expect a healthy thriving sex life in a marriage that doesn’t prioritize it?
Caring for the health of our sex life is a vital part of our relationship efforts. If we want an abundant sex life, we have to keep it on our list of “things to do.” Scheduling sex with a long-time partner may at first seem a dull and depressing state of affairs but don’t be disheartened.
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The Allure of Scheduling
Think back to the days of dating. During the first few weeks of seeing someone new the chemistry is thick and palpable— but sex at the end of an evening was not always a sure thing. Part of the steam was the anticipation; scheduling the date, getting dressed up for each other, flirting all evening with the hopes that if all went well; you’d end up in bed. Scheduling does this! For married couples too!
Scheduling sex gives each partner the whole day to prepare— emotionally, mentally and even physically (showering, shaving, primping). When a couple sets a Tuesday night for “date night,” the seduction can last the whole day. I always recommend being playful and sending each other suggestive texts or emails, “I’m looking forward to tonight,” or “I can’t wait to get you naked.” One client went as far as sexting her spouse a luscious photo of cleavage— an amuse-bouche.
Just because the date is predetermined does not mean that spontaneity and intrigue are out the window. Each date and sexual encounter can be as new and exciting as you make it.
One of the benefits, yes benefits, of being married is that you CAN schedule sex. And what happens when a couple chooses sex over chores? Sex! When long-time partners recalibrate the importance of their sexual relationship and make it a priority, it is truly magic. Sex starts happening— and it’s the best kind of sex one can have.
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When GMP proposed changing the conversation about marital sex, I was thrilled to be invited to be a part of it. Not only have I been helping couples revive and maintain their sexual relationships for more than a decade, I have been in a 15 year relationship myself and know first hand the commitment involved in keeping this part of a long term committed relationship vibrant.
We have two small kids, two careers and activities galore. When we stay in the habit of scheduling time together, we are reminded just how much we value this part of our relationship and come away with a renewed commitment to each other in making it a priority. We are teammates, parents, friends and above all, lovers.
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Photo: Dawn Huzcek/ Flickr
I don’t know if it is “sexy” but it is probably necessary since the spontaneous inclination generally declines. I don’t think we have to convince ourselves that it is going to be the “best” sex if we recognize that we are doing it from a place of love. It may be out of compassion rather than passion, but so what? You vowed to fulfill your spouse’s needs. And sex isn’t terrible, even if it is no longer imperative. I am concerned with the preoccupation with sex by my generation (I’m 47). Sex does not equal intimacy. Many of the most… Read more »
In my opinion/experience, scheduled sex is only sexy when *both* partners are looking forward to it with equal (or at least similar) enthusiasm. And honestly it needs to be scheduled by the person with the lower sex drive…otherwise it just feels pushy.
I don’t believe in scheduled sex. It cannot be a binding agreement in any sense. Both partners must be permitted to say no at any moment, even 1 second before the act, any schedule nonwithstanding. Why schedule sex in the first place? You do it when you know it will not happen spontaneously. It will not happen spontaneously because you know that at least one partner is (permanently?) not in the mood. So you schedule the time, the time comes, somebody is not in the mood and the contract is void. Result: No sex. Of course sometimes both people will… Read more »
Nothing in life is truly a “binding agreement” in any sense. A person always has the option to follow through, or not–and deal with whatever consequences follow. Even if it doesn’t guarantee sex, it sets an expectation that both people have agreed to.
Hi, and thank you for the article. Why are we so shocked when a relationship falls apart after years of neglect? And, how can we possibly expect a healthy thriving sex life in a marriage that doesn’t prioritize it? Are we, and do we? I guess that most people who are aware of neglect in a relationship, are also at some level aware of it slowly eroding. Caring for the health of our sex life is a vital part of our relationship efforts. So think the ones who have an attraction for their partner and/or an active and somewhat “freestanding”… Read more »