My child is a senior in high school. She’s in Advanced Placement classes and works after school, and tries hard at both. But a letter came recently from the head of her “House” (no, not Hufflepuff, they’re split into numbers, One, Two, and Three.) It informed me that my child had been missing from school for four days this semester. These days were marked “Unexcused,” as I didn’t send in a doctor’s note for them, and they could impact her grade, as anything over four absences costs a full credit from her grade in the second semester.
Well, no, I didn’t send in a note.
I didn’t send in a doctor’s note for the day she had a 102 fever and a sore throat, because we’d been to the doctor a few days before, and they told me it was a virus. Since my plan has a very large deductible, I paid $137 for that visit. When the fever flared on Thursday, I didn’t feel the need to bring her back to the doctor for them to say, “Keep giving her Tylenol and fluids.” I also didn’t want to expose everyone in the school to the virus so they’d have to stay home sick, too. I paid the $137, but there are many parents who cannot afford even the $25 co-pay for a sick visit. Requiring a note from a doctor, as opposed to from a parent, takes the decision out of a parent’s hands. It means more parents send sick children to school, or more children have unexcused absences because their parents cannot afford to go to the doctor for every illness.
I also didn’t send in a doctor’s note the day my daughter’s bunny died. I’ve stated before, I suffer from anxiety, depression, and agoraphobia. When the bunny got sicker and sicker, and we’d already taken him to the vet, I knew what was coming, and my anxiety brain went through every scenario that could happen if he died while my daughter was at school. How it would be up to me to tell her. Or she’d be inconsolable to have not been there.
Yeah. My kid needed a mental health day. She wasn’t sick. The thermometer read no fever. But life had kicked her a few times and it was all just sort of crashing in on her.
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When I learned my daughter was being penalized for that day, I started thinking of all the ways this could impact a student with similar mental health concerns to mine. Would they have to make a decision between being there for the last moment of their beloved pet and being at school so they don’t get threatened with an unexcused absence? Would it paralyze them because anxiety brains are filled with indecision? As someone who deals a lot with grief, I feel this would be detrimental to a teen’s mental health.
Another day I didn’t send in a note for was actually a mental health day. Yeah. My kid needed a mental health day. She wasn’t sick. The thermometer read no fever. But life had kicked her a few times and it was all just sort of crashing in on her. The thought of being in a crowd of five hundred children while she was barely able to deal with the few in her home was overwhelming. So I gave her a mental health day, because sometimes I need one, too. Raise your hand if you’ve ever called out sick.
I gave her a mental health day because I don’t want to see her end up like me, often stuck inside the house at 46, unable to not take things seriously.
But I regret that it could take credit away from her for being absent. My daughter had turned in all her homework and essays at that juncture. She had done well on her tests. She had good grades. In this day and age, with more than one in twenty children and teens suffering from anxiety and depression, how can it be wise to set such strict limits on in-school attendance? That’s 2.6 million students who may miss school, skip homework (which also has an impact on stress and depression), or end up in the hospital.
I will take full responsibility for the last unexcused day. We went to Savannah during February vacation to see my cousin get married. The event was pretty special—because for my LGBTQ kids, it was a chance to see a same sex couple stand up and profess their love for one another in a room full of people who love and support them. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity. But I couldn’t afford airfare to Savannah for seven people. I couldn’t just fly back, especially because airfare during February vacation is twice the price. So we rented a car, and we drove down, knowing that the wedding was on a Saturday night and we would have to drive a thousand miles on Sunday to make it back, exhausted and crashing, Monday afternoon.
I don’t regret that “unexcused absence.” Studies show that vacations have myriad health benefits, and if that one costs an unexcused absence, I, as the parent, have to weigh the benefits and risks.
I’m not saying students with depression or students who can’t afford vacations shouldn’t attend school. On the contrary, studies show that depression and missing school have a reciprocal relationship–in some cases, missing school makes depression worse, and in many cases, children with depression miss more school. I don’t advocate for unlimited days off, because it’s well-understood that missing school does have an academic impact. I’m simply saying it shouldn’t be a one-size fits all policy, and that schools need to begin to trust that parents do know best when depression or another stress factor has made it impossible for a child to attend.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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