Drew Magary has some words for Miller Lite.
This piece is part of a special series on the End of Gender. This series includes bloggers from Role/Reboot, Good Men Project, The Huffington Post, Salon, HyperVocal, Ms. Magazine, YourTango, Psycholog
I don’t know who invented the phrase “Turn in your man card,” but whoever it is should be taken out in the street and have his balls stomped on by a fucking marching band. Every Sunday, I’m now subjected to some goddamn Miller Lite ad where the guys in it are like, “ZOMG! You’re drinking a generic light beer? YOU’RE SUCH A FAG! Turn in your man card, faggity fag fag!”
As if drinking Miller goddamn Lite is somehow a manly endeavor. This shit needs to stop. There’s no such thing as a man card. If there were, it would be the single most douchetastic thing in the history of the world. Darren Rovell would keep 12 of them in his money clip. Advertisers and film studios love to exploit the whole supposed male identity crisis they think America is suffering through right now. What’s that? You won’t drink Miller Lite? DURRRRR THEN I GUESS YOU’RE JUST A WALKING VAGINA DURRRRR BUY OUR SHIT.
No. Fuck you. If I want to drink some piss warm generic light beer, I’ll do it. If I want to take a tandem bike ride with Peter King and enjoy a citrusy Shock Top while watching the sun set, I’ll do it. You want my man card? Take it. COLLECT ALL OF THEM. You get enough man cards and I bet they’ll give you a $10 rebate at the Ed Hardy Shop. I don’t need it. I’m not a real man. I listen to Snow Patrol. I drink rum and Diet Cokes. I like a good number of Hugh Grant movies. I don’t give a shit. I do what I fucking want, which should be the first and last stupid retarded “man law” ever. Everything else is superficial bullshit.
Next time someone tells you to turn in your man card, reward them with a boot to the teeth and a shit on their porch. And never drink Miller Lite. It’s dogshit.
This originally appeared at Deadspin.
Drew Magary writes for Deadspin, NBC, Maxim and Kissing Suzy Kolber—a humor site dedicated to the NFL. The Postmortal, now out from Penguin, is his first novel. You can follow Drew on Twitter.
—Photo jblyberg/Flickr
Beer Snob 1. Those individuals who regard any beer that they do not drink as piss. Completely ignorant of climate, context, and social class, beer snobs are contemptuously dismissive of any beer that a mortal cannot walk across like Jesus Christ did across the water. Beer snobs are tedious bores, assuming that any beer which doesn’t meet their definition of “adequately pretentious” is drunk out of ignorance. “Here, have this Pacifico.” “I don’t drink goat piss. Give me a Schteupereiner – warm! With a fork and knife!” “It’s 104 degrees out.” 2. The unfair term given to those who enjoy… Read more »
‘….but whoever it is should be taken out in the street and have his balls stomped on by a fucking marching band.’
You advocate violence? And you wonder why people think feminists are man haters.
meh, pretty sure they don’t ever call the guy a fag, but thanks for making it seem worse than it is
WORD.
I once made a phone call to Snapple to say that their “hazing” image out of a set of anthromorphic billboard ads was utterly offensive– young people have had their tailbones shattered by frat paddles and suffered lifelong pain as a result– and one week later that billboard was replaced. I called Toyota one time, to tell them that their use of The Who’s “Bargain” was incredibly wrong for a cheap car– since the song talks about trading one’s entire life away for the sake of something more important than life itself– and a few days later the ad appeared… Read more »
You did not lose points with ‘Retarded’ with me, btw, because it WAS a medical term and no longer refers to people with downs syndrome, only people who think it is smart to imitate one.
Aggression is masculine. Passivity is feminine. You don’t see armies without medics or an army of medics. This is not a value judgment any more than ‘fire needs fuel’ or ‘cold turns water to ice’.
Therefore a response like this to any attempt to sell me my own manhood is not only valid but as refreshing as a beer that tastes like beer.
You get enough man cards and I bet they’ll give you a $10 rebate at the Ed Hardy Shop
this made me laugh at least 7 times.
i give it a b+ (yes.. you lost points with retarded). 😉
I associate “true manhood” (if there is such a thing) as being grown-up enough not to feel you have to prove that you’re masculine. When you’re secure in your masculinity, you don’t worry how much you conform or don’t conform to some ideal that no one totally conforms to anyway. If being “manly” means acting like an insecure 13 year old, no thanks.
Ha. I do love a good sweary blog. Fuckin’ A.
But Switch in to Glide is right to call you on the use of the word ‘retarded’. Do that again and I’ll stamp on your fucking bollocks, arsewipe.
Ah. That felt good.
Aggression is masculine. Passivity is feminine. You don’t see armies without medics or an army of medics. This is not a value judgment any more than ‘fire needs fuel’ or ‘cold turns water to ice’.
Therefore a response like this to any attempt to sell me my own manhood is not only valid but as refreshing as a beer that tastes like beer.
That’s marketing for ya, I’m afraid. Invent an “in-group,” make the viewer doubt that he’s worthy of belonging to it, and then offer your product as a way to join in and prove himself. Presto! Sales.
“Retarded”?
Drew,
How is Miller Lite different from “piss warm generic light beer”? Why are you taking a commercial for watery thin beer (OK, brand name watery, thin beer) so personally?
Because it’s insulting to both men and women. If you want to affect a change, you have to point out the problem first, and it is problematic. If these types of commercials weren’t effective, they wouldn’t continuously air them, so someone is buying into the ideas the commercial presents–either that, or people are too lax to care, which is problematic still. Turn in your man card not only emasculates men, but implies that doing anything “feminine” makes you wimpy because the mass media still associates anything feminine with being inferior. Only women and gays can be feminine, but guys always… Read more »
I don’t take Miller Lite seriously as beer, and I’m sure as H*ll not going to take anything in their advertising seriously, either.