Searching for Love Is a Lonely Place to Be but Don’t Compromise

I spent many evenings wondering what was wrong with me.

And many days looking at happy couples around me, wondering if it would ever be my turn.

I wasn’t passively waiting for “the one” to knock on my door. I was actively putting myself out there. To the point where my mum would comment on the number of dates, I was having.

“But how am I going to meet anyone if I don’t date?” I asked.

She didn’t get it. My mum and dad divorced when I was 18 and she poured herself into her children and grandchildren. She has never actively looked for someone, apart from a few, very short and unsuccessful stints on online dating.

She has never actively looked for love, unlike me. And, unsurprisingly, she has never found love, unlike me.

But, it was only when I let go of the loneliness and desperation that I found the right person for me.

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We humans thrive when we have meaningful connections with other people. And love is the strongest connection of them all. After all, it makes the world go round — I truly believe this.

“Love is the bridge between you and everything”. Rumi.

I was fortunate enough to have the love of my two children and a close family, but that wasn’t enough.

I wanted true love, a deep, meaningful relationship full of shared plans, goals, and an equal partnership.

Unhealthy relationships had left me scarred but I never fully gave up on love.

And this desire continuously drove me on my quest to find my “one”.

It was a rollercoaster ride:

Online Dating Can Be a Rollercoaster, but Don’t Give Up Hope
There are a few princes among the frogs.
medium.com

I spent a lot of time feeling incredibly lonely.

Evenings spent alone, making plans by myself, attending social events, and going on holidays, as a single mum. I love a wedding, but when you are single, they make you feel even more alone and undesirable.

It’s tough to keep going when you consistently get knocked back, let down, or ghosted. Worse of all are those potential dates that start hopeful and end as a no-go.

As the desperation increases, your standards start decreasing.

What was once a no-go is now a possibility.

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Sometimes a drop in expectation is exactly what we need to find our person. Changing your “type on paper”, can sometimes open the door to your perfect partner — it did with me.

But when we’re feeling desperate and lonely, we start compromising on things that will eventually affect a relationship. That’s fine if you’re just looking for a shag, but not so good if you are yearning for love and wedding bells.

We start ignoring any niggles. We try to make ourselves fancy them or convince ourselves that something isn’t that important when we know deep down it is.

Physical attraction grows (or declines) as you get to know someone, but we’ve got to keep it real. There needs to be some sort of initial attraction. If the thought of locking lips with the person in front of you repels you, it ain’t happening. If you need to have a few drinks before you get intimate, they don’t do it for you. At all.

What doesn’t and shouldn’t change to suit someone else, are your values, morals, priorities, and heartfelt passions and interests.

A bit of time apart is healthy but shared interests keep the connection going.

If someone doesn’t respect or understand your priorities, the only thing the future holds is misunderstanding and unhealthy compromise. It doesn’t hold true love.

You can’t squeeze someone into your box whose values and morals conflict with your own. Similarly, you can’t mold yourself into the shape of their box. This situation always ends up with one or both of you feeling unable to be yourself.

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I know how lonely it gets. I know how much you want to make this date work. I know how tired you are of putting yourself out there and getting hurt, and I know how disappointing it is when you think something is going well and then a few niggles pop up.

But do not compromise, you deserve the love you crave.

Focus on everyone you already have around you, make more of an effort to go out, make plans, start a new hobby, and try new things.

The desire for love will not disappear completely but when you are treating yourself with love and respect, making the most of the love that already surrounds you (even if it’s just with your dog), you become less needy.

When the desperation stops, you seem to magically open yourself up to far more romantic opportunities. It’s all to do with the vibe you are sending out.

When you are happily being yourself you will attract people who value and respect the true qualities you possess.

I understand this isn’t as easy as it sounds, especially if you have been single for a long time. But you’ve got to be real with yourself.

Something needs to change for your results to change. Shifting your focus from what you don’t have to what you already have, sounds cliched, but it always brings in more of the good stuff — love included.

Give yourself the chance to find someone who has the same shape box as you and fits nicely into yours. And bear in mind, they may not be packaged in the way you imagined.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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