Sarah Anaiyah Chamberlain believes
you deserve unconditional love.
Let’s speak for a moment about love. What is love to you? Think about it hard for a moment before we discuss what love is. If you research the word “love” you will find countless descriptions of what it is. The most significant one I’ve found is this: love is compassion and affectionate actions towards other humans, one’s self or animals. There are two words in there that represent the most important aspect of what love is. Without these two words, you cannot fully love others unconditionally. Did you catch the words? Did you pick “one’s self?”
You have to be able to love yourself if you are to love another person.
You might be thinking: “What does that mean? Don’t I already love myself? What does loving myself have to do with loving others?” Many people enter into committed relationships without know who they really are. During my counseling sessions I’ve met countless men and women who’ve gotten married and realized a year or two into the marriage that they weren’t happy. Often these discontented people were having affairs. I don’t judge their actions, but I wonder if they worked on loving themselves before they got married. People will throw their own insecurities into the relationship and project those flaws onto their partners. According to the law of attraction, you will attract the type of person that you are.
Take Caitlin for example. She came into see me because she was unhappy in her marriage. She was young and having an affair. When I tuned into her husband I actually got someone who is very sweet, and adores his wife. Because he is quiet and not very sexual, she interpreted this behavior as him not appreciating her. She was confusing sex with love. She was projecting her own insecurities into the relationship and decided that the best course of action was to have an affair with a much younger man. She wasn’t ready for marriage. She didn’t understand what the true meaning of love is.
Too often, we find ourselves confusing sex with love. Let me be clear; sex can be a beautiful experience shared by two people who are in love. There is a deep connection that binds two people together when they become one. However, there’s trust, security, honesty and spiritual connection that the act of sex cannot give alone. When you give yourself completely to another person mind, soul and body, you’ll find yourself in a relationship that brings utter joy into your life.
However, if you do not love yourself, you cannot fully love another person. Many people stay in relationships not because they are happy, but because they’re comfortable. It’s safe for us to have a security blanket wrapped around us. It’s scary to be alone and vulnerable. It’s much easier to live in a bubble that we have created for ourselves. If someone were to pop that bubble, all hell would break loose.
How do you know if you love yourself?
Great question! I’m so glad that you asked. Let’s start by asking this question:
How do you want to be loved by another? Trusted? Wanted? Respected? As equals? Worshipped? Admired?
Now, let me ask you another question: do you feel this way about yourself? If you answered yes, then great!! You are ready for love to come in. More than likely, you’re already in a very committed and trusting relationship. If you answered no to any of these questions, then we have some work to do.
You may have heard this idiom: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.”
While this rings true about love, it actually is a metaphor for you as an individual. This is about how you see yourself and others. It continues, “It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs”. If you’re keeping track of your partners shortcomings or you are in love only for the sake of being in love, than you are shorting yourself the greatest gift: honor. Honoring yourself and your partner is the most beautiful gift that we can give to one another. None of us are without faults.
To judge another for their shortcomings is a judgment upon ourselves. Only when you can love your partner for all of their faults are you ready to accept true love into your heart. “Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.” Being good to one another is a right that everyone deserves. No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship, mental or physical. There are hotline services available for help, and crisis centers to reach out to. Unfortunately, a lot of good women get pulled into abusive relationships and can’t find a way out. Find someone today that can help you:
Hawaii Domestic Violence Resources: (808) 859-8400
Domestic Violence Action Center (808) 531-3771
National Hotline 1-800-799-7233
Not sure if you are in an abusive relationship? Please take a moment to read this.
I want you to do something that many of us are fearful of doing. I want you to go stand in front of your mirror naked. Completely vulnerable and look straight into your eyes. I want you to say three times in a row:
“I love you. You are perfect just the way you are. You are deserving of unconditional love for yourself and from others. You are perfect just the way you are”.
This exercise is a way for you to find your hidden blocks and a way for you to connect to your inner self. Often times we mask who we really are from the rest of the world, ashamed of what others might see in us. You have nothing to be shameful of. Each of us is on our own unique life path. At times, we will fall short of the ideals that we have for ourselves, but we always pick ourselves up and move forward. If you don’t move forward and you stay stuck, you find yourself living an alone and depressing version of who you once where. To break through that glass ceiling that we each set up for ourselves, you must look further into you and love all of our faults that you have.
I find that most people have difficulty with understanding what unconditional love is. Unconditional love is caring about the happiness of another person without any thought about what we might receive for ourselves. Additionally, it means that you must have unconditional love for yourself. If each one of us was made in the image of the Divine, then each one of us is perfect, as the Divine herself is perfect. We create flaws, and wrongdoings on ourselves. We are not born into this life as sinners; we create the sin as we grow up. The only sin that I know of is the ones that we place upon ourselves when we lack love for ourselves.
Misty came to see me and told me that she was in a beautiful partnership with her boyfriend. They really loved one another, but she was still scared that she would cheat on him. When I asked her why, she said because she had done it with a past relationship. I told her that you don’t cheat on others if you are happy. If you are truly committed and happy in your relationship that means that you honor and trust yourself and your partner. She wasn’t happy in that previous relationship, and didn’t honor herself throughout the time that they were together. Because of her past trauma, she started projecting her insecurities into her relationship with her new boyfriend. I laid it out for her that she had to honor herself and her partner. Once she was able to do that, there was nothing to be afraid of. All of our thoughts and reactions to situations in relationships stem from how we feel about ourselves. They have been happily married for over four years now. Misty learned that she was deserving of being loved and therefore was able to accept love fully in herself.
Your mind is a very powerful tool. We create and manifest everything that surrounds us. The power of thought can either manifest or destroy our relationships. You create your partnerships, marriages, careers, finances, friendships. Let’s take Mary for example. Mary is forty-years old and has bad credit. She filed bankruptcy into her thirties and never kept track of where her money was going, and how to allocate what to where. She used every excuse in the book ranging from blaming her parents, being terrible at math, never having enough money; you name it, she used it. The truth was that Mary was projecting these negative thoughts into her field of view. If only she understood that she was worthy of money, and could take control of her finances in a positive manner, then she would probably have better control over her spending habits. Because she believed all of these things, she created it. Today, Mary still struggles, but is slowly overcoming her blocks. She just received her first credit card in over three years, and has a budget. Yes, she falls down, but as soon as that happens, she picks herself back up again and starts over. Mary created these blocks for herself because she thought it would be easier to believe these things about her then taking responsibility for her actions. Now with the shift in her way of thinking, she is starting to realize that she is more happy and in control of her money than just four years ago.
All of these things matter when we speak of love and love for ourselves. There are times when you will fall out of love, or move in different directions from your partner. That is why it’s even more crucial to find happiness and love for you. You could have a happy life with someone and be married for 50 years. Then one of you passes away. You’ve spent your whole life dedicated to your partner, but now you are facing the rest of your life alone. You’re not sure who you are. Don’t wait until then. Find yourself today by exploring your interests. What makes you happy? Who makes you happy? Surround yourself with these things and begin the self-discovery of love. Take a photography course. Take up painting, or writing. Anything that you can do that will help you understand who you are…
and then go be that person.
You are love, and you are light. You are perfect in every sense of the word and you deserve unconditional love.
This was originally featured on Gypsy Muzings.