Seeking Justice When You Are Wronged by Someone You Love

Something called Restorative Justice is beginning to appear in the court system. It also has a place in personal relationships when there has been an injury and trust needs to be repaired.

This is how restorative justice works in the court system: A kid gets caught with a can of paint, spraying a swastika on a synagogue parking lot. The congregation is outraged. Intense fears and memories of the Holocaust get activated. The kid appears before a judge and admits he’s guilty.

The judge could sentence him to jail, but how would that help? In jail, the kid might likely fall in with a gang of skinheads who would further radicalize him, casting him as the victim, not the perpetrator of injustice. His schooling would be interrupted, his friendships disrupted, his time wasted; all at great cost to the taxpayers. The congregation might enjoy some small satisfaction that the power of the state is being used to punish the kid, but there would be no true healing, only retribution.

The judge might give the kid probation or a suspended sentence and say, don’t get in trouble again. Many, including the congregation and the kid, might think he got off easy.

Many judges, wanting to avoid these unproductive options, might send the kid to someone like me to arrange a restorative justice conference.

The first time I meet with the kid, I’d check to see if he was ready to take responsibility for his actions. I’d ask him if he could imagine how spray painting a swastika on a synagogue parking lot might affect the congregation. I’d invite him to consider how he could make amends. If he can’t do any of these or is not willing to make amends, I’d send him back to the judge.

If he was able and willing, then next I’d meet with representatives of the congregation. I’d tell them about restorative justice. I’d ask if they’re willing to participate. I’d invite them to consider how the kid could make amends. If they can’t deal with meeting him, or if there is nothing he could do to make amends, then I’d tell the judge that restorative justice is not right in this case.

But, if we have a go on both ends, then we arrange a conference with everyone. The kid speaks first, taking responsibility, acknowledging the harm he’s done. The congregation then speaks, filling in details the kid might have missed. If the apology is accepted, we move on to construct a plan to make amends. The kid and the representatives work towards an agreement on what he’ll do to make it right. Maybe he’ll scrub the parking lot, rake leaves, speak to the whole congregation, or whatever. A time limit is placed, and everyone shakes hands.

If the kid follows through with his promises, then the judge dismisses the charges, the congregation forgives him, and everyone moves on. The taxpayers keep their money. The skinheads look for other recruits. The world is a better place.

You can do the same thing in your personal relationships. If you need it, someone like me can help you.

You walked in and found your wife having sex with another man. You could pull out a gun and shoot them both, but that would just get you in trouble. You could just get a divorce, but how do you get that image out of your head and move on? You could just tell her not to do it again, but that seems too mild. Your wife is remorseful. She’s ended the affair. She wants you back. She wants you to forgive her. You need to be able to trust her for any forgiveness to be real. You could have a restorative justice conference.

Restorative justice is only possible if your wife is ready to take responsibility for the affair. She may want to point to things you did that “made” her have an affair, but, for restorative justice to work, she’ll have to lay those points aside so you both can get past the incident. She should be able to say how you might have been affected by seeing her having sex with her lover in your marital bed. She should consider how she could make amends. If she can’t do any of these or is not willing to make amends, then skip the restorative justice conference and head right to the divorce attorney.

Even if she is able and willing, you need to be, too. You have to be willing to meet with your estranged wife and work with her to develop a plan for making amends. You have to be open to her repairing things and not be stuck in retaliation mode. If you can’t deal with meeting her, or if there’s nothing she could do to make amends, then you need a divorce attorney more than a restorative justice conference.

But, if it’s a go on both ends, then you have a conference. Your wife speaks first, taking responsibility, acknowledging the harm she’s done. Then you speak, filling in details your wife might have missed. If you have questions about the affair, you ask them. If she answers them fully and if the apology is accepted, you move on to construct a plan to make amends. You both work towards an agreement on what your wife will do to make it right. Maybe she’ll never talk with him again, maybe she’ll go to therapy and change factors that led to her affair, maybe she’ll paint the bedroom, burn the sheets, buy a new bed, and let you use that position you saw her in with her lover but never lets you try. Whatever floats your boat.

Coming up with ways to make amends is often the hardest part. Your wife would do well to not agree to tasks that degrade her or that are impossible or vague. She can’t promise to never talk to another man. She may promise to love you, but what does that mean? You would do well to make them hard enough to be meaningful and related to the wrongdoing. The best amends are measurable, attainable, and concrete.

A time limit is placed, and everyone shakes hands. If she follows through with her promises, then you let it go. That’s your promise. If you still have mistrustful feelings, dismiss them. That’s called forgiveness. Everyone moves on. The world is a better place.

For you, as a victim, the key to making all this work is knowing what you want for him to make amends.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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