Did you know that nearly 50% of U.S. adults are single? And with that surprisingly high number, many of those who are single are in the dating world, reading dating advice and trying to find “the one.”
And there are actually some strong benefits to dating nowadays. In this online dating world, new research shows that dating apps might be linked to stronger marriages and lower divorce rates. (woohoo!)
And though there might be some telltale signs someone is “the one,” there is also a lot of dating advice out there to help guide you.
As someone who has read dating advice after advice, I realized it could be boiled down into one piece of insight I wanted to share with you today.
The one piece of dating advice you need
Be the kind of partner you want to have, in order to attract the kind of partner you want to have.
That’s it, it’s really that simple. But let me explain if you don’t believe me just yet.
Every relationship you have with others serves as a mirror to the relationship you have with yourself. Why is that? Because we attract what is familiar to us, and we are most familiar with the relationship we have with ourselves.
Have you ever wondered why all your ex-partners feel similar or treated you similarly? Or maybe your friends are all similar? Or maybe you tend to dislike people who are critical…when in reality it’s because you are highly self-critical and it feels familiar? What we notice in people around us, gives us insight into how we treat ourselves.
If you are incredibly kind to yourself by saying positive self-talk, doing self-care, and just being reassuring and validating, you will like nice people and be repelled by people who treat you poorly. Why? Because it’s unfamiliar and we are wired to choose familiarity because familiarity means survival.
How does this work?
Our subconscious, or unconscious mind, dictates 95% of our thoughts, while 5% of our thoughts are conscious choices. Basically, you are picking up information and making dating choices for people without even realizing it. YES! The mind is doing things without you even consciously realizing it, the majority of the time.
When dating, your subconscious will be working casually in the background to make choices about who it wants you to continue to pursue. And if the person feels familiar to you, it will encourage you to pursue them further. Because your subconscious is wired for survival.
If the person doesn’t feel familiar, the subconscious will tell you to go away from them. It wants you to stay alive! It’s why you might have consciously thought someone was good on paper or had good traits, but if it felt unfamiliar to how you treat yourself, it would actually pull you away from them, not towards them.
Now, this is great…when your subconscious is wired to choose the people you want.
But if you have a negative relationship with yourself (because again, you spend the most amount of time with yourself, and hence your subconscious is most familiar with that relationship), you will be subconsciously attracted to people who reinforce your own negative relationship patterns.
If you’re critical of yourself, you will be drawn to people who are critical of you.
If you ignore your own needs, you’ll be drawn to people who ignore your needs too.
If you are emotionally unavailable with yourself, you’ll be drawn to emotionally unavailable people.
If you always prioritize your needs and disregard others, you’ll be drawn to people who prioritize you and disregard themselves.
If you take advantage of yourself, you’ll be drawn to people who take advantage of you.
And the list can go on and on.
How do I create a good relationship with myself?
For now, your relationship with yourself might be a large reflection of your relationship with your caregivers or significant romantic relationships in adulthood. The way they treated you could now the inner voice in your head and reflect how you treat yourself.
Luckily, you can work to consciously reprogram your subconscious brain, by improving the way you treat yourself. Over time, your mind will become familiar with this new way of treating yourself. And you’ll be attracted to people who treat you better as well.
So what should I do to treat myself better? Well…
Be the kind of partner you want to have.
If you want a loving, supportive, and kind partner, be that way to yourself.
It can be through big things like taking yourself out on a date (7 ideas with journal prompts here for FREE!), or small things like making sure to eat and give yourself water when your body needs it.
It could be daily journal prompts where you write out all the ways you are lovable, or journaling to check in and be present with yourself.
If you want someone who is good at communicating and taking care of you, practice better communication skills with yourself and be receptive to being taken care of by taking care of your needs. If you want someone who is open and emotionally available, practice being more open and emotionally available with yourself by journaling or doing other activities to open your heart.
I’m not saying you need to change your personality or temperament, especially as those things make you who you are. But you do need to be mindful of treating yourself in a way that you would want someone you love to treat you.
Now, of course, there is a lot of dating advice that is super helpful, but a major predictor of your choices will be your subconscious comfort zone. And your subconscious will choose familiarity. Hence, it’s important to make sure what is familiar to you…is something you want to be around.
Your relationship with yourself matters
Remember…you accept the love you think you deserve. And what you think you deserve is based on the relationship you have with yourself.
The longest relationship you will have with another human is not someone you are dating or married to. It is the relationship with yourself. The relationship with yourself is key to the relationships you will see reflected around you.
Cultivate it, grow it, cherish it.
Be the kind of partner you want to have, in order to attract the kind of partner you want to have.
You got this!
❤
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash
