Seven Signs They’re a Narcissist

Think you’re involved with a narcissist? Many people do. If you search the internet you will think everyone is a narcissist. Even though many people have narcissistic traits, true narcissists only make up .5 percent — a small percentage of the population. And 75% of them are men.

Here are seven signs that you’ve entered the frightening world of a narcissist.

1. They are in love with themselves — not you.

Everything they do is to benefit themselves. You are just a means to an end. If they need your help for whatever reason, they will ring up your phone. When you aren’t needed for something, you will not hear from them for days. They won’t care about your feelings. They’ll expect you to deal with it.

Their favorite topic of conversation is themselves. Nothing matters to them more than their career and hobbies. They will only pretend to be interested in your life to keep you dangling on a string. After all, they may need you for something in the future.

2. You will always be one of many.

They have numerous admirers around them, and when you’re not giving them enough attention, they will quickly replace you with someone else. They will often bring other admirers around at the same time as you, causing a lot of jealousy and hurt feelings. Of course, that will be the admirer’s hurt feelings, not theirs. They’re loving all the attention. If you get fed up with this behavior and leave, you will immediately be replaced by someone else. People are all interchangeable to narcissists.

After the new person gets fed up with the narcissist, don’t be surprised if they hoover back to you. They always come back to a valuable source of narcissistic supply.

3. They are charismatic.

Unfortunately, they know how much people want them. When you first meet, you will think you met the person of your dreams. They will turn on the charm and make you feel like you have a special connection with them. They’ll often be the center of attention, making people laugh at parties, playing guitar or other musical instruments, and accumulating groupies wherever they go. You will feel so special being in their presence.

But soon, you will realize you’ve met the person of your nightmares. They will start dropping critical remarks directed at you. All of a sudden you will hear passive-aggressive statements that will gradually whittle at your self-esteem and make you feel worthless. They’ll tell you you need to lose weight, they’ll complain about the clothes you wear, and they’ll suddenly start finding fault in your cooking. It will boost their ego to put you down.

4. They have an inflated sense of self-importance.

Narcissists feel they are special people, smarter and more talented then you will ever be. They surround themselves with admirers to feed their insatiable egos. They feel the people they associate with are less important than they are, and will convince their narcissistic supply that they are lucky to be allowed in their circle. They love to associate with people of higher status, just to prove to themselves how special they are.

They are jealous of other people. This is the person who won’t be happy for you when you succeed at anything. This is the one who knocks successful and famous people, feeling he never got his break.

The truth is, they’re deeply insecure and secretly loathe themselves. They wear a mask over their true selves to keep this fake persona alive. To get caught being embarrassed or being found out as less than perfect is their worst fear. Anyone who starts getting closer to the truth about them will be devalued. No one must discover their secret self.

5. They are manipulative and controlling.

Narcissists are experts at manipulating people. They want to control others for their gain. They are often drawn to caregivers or empaths who love them and want to help them. They will manipulate this person into doing anything they want. They are so good at it, that their admirer will feel guilty if they don’t drop everything and help the narcissist whenever they need them. They will exploit people, for they only view people in their lives as pawns to move around their chessboard.

They will have friends to help with every need they have. One of their friends may help with social connections, another will own a beach house they get to stay at every summer. One friend nurses them when they’re sick, another loves to cook for them, and another runs their errands.

6. They’ll turn on you in a minute.

If you don’t give them adoration and narcissistic supply, they’ll fall into a narcissistic rage, and become mean, cold, and abusive.

When you first meet them, their method is to lovebomb you, to the point that you can’t believe how lucky you are. After they have you hooked, they start devaluing you, pointing out all your flaws, while simultaneously grooming their next source of supply to replace you.

They will gaslight you, making you doubt your own memory of events. This crazy treatment will have you questioning your sanity. If you stay with them it will eventually damage your self-worth.

7. They lack empathy.

Here’s the thing about narcissists. They don’t care about anybody but themselves. If they’re hurting, they expect you to drop everything and stay by their side, bringing them homemade soup and putting cold cloths on their feverish head.

If you’re hurting, they will be nowhere to be found. One told me he was “too broken” to help me when I was suffering. If someone else is in pain, they honestly don’t care. Some of them may pretend to care but they truly don’t. Don’t fall for this act.

Photo by Wesley Tingey on Unsplash

How narcissists become that way.

What causes people to become narcissists? They usually come from dysfunctional homes where they receive mixed messages from their parents growing up. One of the parents is usually a narcissist themselves. The parent is domineering, critical, and disapproving of their children. The children learn it’s very difficult to please them.

The parent often treats one child as the golden child who does no wrong and scapegoats another child in the family. Sometimes they take turns favoring and scapegoating the children, pitting the children against each other growing up. Often they are not paid attention to by the parents unless they are high achievers.

How you can avoid being involved with one.

Look for the seven signs above that you are dealing with a narcissist. If you find yourself involved with one, you will on a road full of landmines. They’ll be self-centered and not feel empathy for you when you’re suffering. They will control you and never consider your needs. You will often feel like the loneliest person in the world. Have you heard of married people that feel so lonely? They’re most likely married to a narcissist.

Narcissistic abuse affects over a hundred million people in the world. It is a form of psychological and emotional abuse and leaves lasting emotional scars. If you stay with one, the abuse will cause you to lose all your self-respect and self-esteem. It’s not worth the pain and narcissistic abuse.

If you find yourself attracted to a narcissist, don’t let yourself get sucked in. For your own self-preservation, walk away.

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Previously published on “Hello, Love”, a Medium publication.

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