Is a dirty glass more important than marital peace? Matthew Fray questions what sunk his marriage.
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It seems so unreasonable when you put it that way:
My wife left me because sometimes I leave dishes by the sink.
It makes her seem ridiculous and makes me seem like a victim of unfair expectations.
We like to point fingers at other things to explain why something went wrong, like when Biff Tannen crashed George McFly’s car and spilled beer on his clothes, but it was all George’s fault for not telling him the car had a blind spot.
This bad thing happened because of this, that, and the other thing. Not because of anything I did!
Sometimes I leave used drinking glasses by the kitchen sink, just inches away from the dishwasher.
It isn’t a big deal to me now. It wasn’t a big deal to me when I was married. But it was a big deal to her.
Every time she’d walk into the kitchen and find a drinking glass by the sink, she moved incrementally closer to moving out and ending our marriage. I just didn’t know it yet.
But even if I had, I fear I wouldn’t have worked as hard to change my behavior as I would have stubbornly tried to get her to see things my way.
The idiom “to cut off your nose to spite your face” was created for such occasions.
Men Are Not Children, Even Though We Behave Like Them
Feeling respected by others is important to men.
Feeling respected by one’s wife is essential to living a purposeful and meaningful life. Maybe I thought my wife should respect me simply because I exchanged vows with her. It wouldn’t be the first time I acted entitled. One thing I know for sure is that I never connected putting a dish in the dishwasher with earning my wife’s respect.
I remember my wife often saying how exhausting it was for her to have to tell me what to do all the time. It’s why the sexiest thing a man can say to his partner is “I got this,” and then take care of whatever needs taken care of.
I always reasoned that, “If you just tell me what you want me to do, I’ll gladly do it.”
But she didn’t want to be my mother.
She wanted to be my partner, and she wanted me to apply all of my intelligence and learning capabilities to the logistics of managing our lives and household.
She wanted me to figure out all of the things that need done, and devise my own method of task management.
I wish I could remember what seemed so unreasonable to me about that at the time.
♦◊♦
Men Can Do Things
Men invented heavy machines that can fly in the air reliably and safely. Men proved the heliocentric model of the solar system, establishing that the Earth orbits the Sun. Men design and build skyscrapers, and take hearts and other human organs from dead people and replace the corresponding failing organs inside of living people, and then those people stay alive afterward. Which is insane.
Men are totally good at stuff.
Men are perfectly capable of doing a lot of these things our wives complain about. What we are not good at is being psychic, or accurately predicting how our wives might feel about any given thing because male and female emotional responses tend to differ pretty dramatically.
Hey Matt! Why would you leave a glass by the sink instead of putting it in the dishwasher?
Several reasons.
- I may want to use it again.
- I don’t care if a glass is sitting by the sink unless guests are coming over.
- I will never care about a glass sitting by the sink. Ever. It’s impossible. It’s like asking me to make myself interested in crocheting, or to enjoy yard work. I don’t want to crochet things. And it’s hard for me to imagine a scenario in which doing a bunch of work in my yard sounds more appealing than ANY of several thousand less-sucky things which could be done.
There is only ONE reason I will ever stop leaving that glass by the sink. A lesson I learned much too late: Because I love and respect my partner, and it REALLY matters to her.
I understand that when I leave that glass there, it hurts her—literally causing her pain—because it feels to her like I just said: “Hey. I don’t respect you or value your thoughts and opinions. Not taking four seconds to put my glass in the dishwasher is more important to me than you are.”
All the sudden, it’s not about something as benign and meaningless as a dirty dish.
Now, it’s a meaningful act of love and sacrifice, and really? Four seconds? That doesn’t seem like the kind of thing too big to do for the person who sacrifices daily for me.
I don’t have to understand WHY she cares so much about that stupid glass.
I just have to understand and respect that she DOES.
- Then, caring about her = putting the glass in the dishwasher.
- Caring about her = keeping your laundry off the floor.
- Caring about her = thoughtfully not tracking dirt or whatever on the floor she worked hard to clean.
- Caring about her = taking care of kid-related things so she can just chill out for a little bit and not worry about anything.
- Caring about her = “Hey babe. Is there anything I can do today or pick up on my way home that will make your day better?”
- Caring about her = a million little things that say “I love you” more than speaking the words ever can.
Yes, It’s That Simple
The man capable of that behavioral change—even when he doesn’t understand her or agree with her thought-process—can have a great relationship.
Men want to fight for their right to leave that glass there. It might look like this:
“Eat shit, wife,” we think. “I sacrifice a lot for you, and you’re going to get on me about ONE glass by the sink? THAT little bullshit glass that takes a few seconds to put in the dishwasher, which I’ll gladly do when I know I’m done with it, is so important to you that you want to give me crap about it? You want to take an otherwise peaceful evening and have an argument with me, and tell me how I’m getting something wrong and failing you, over this glass?
After all of the big things I do to make our life possible — things I never hear a “thank you” for (and don’t ask for)—you’re going to elevate a glass by the sink into a marriage problem? I couldn’t be THAT petty if I tried. And I need to dig my heels in on this one. If you want that glass in the dishwasher, put it in there yourself without telling me about it. Otherwise, I’ll put it away when people are coming over, or when I’m done with it. This is a bullshit fight that feels unfair and I’m not just going to bend over for you.”
The man DOES NOT want to divorce his wife because she’s nagging him about the glass thing which he thinks is totally irrational. He wants her to agree with him that when you put life in perspective, a glass being by the sink when no one is going to see it anyway, and the solution takes four seconds, is just not a big problem. She should recognize how petty and meaningless it is in the grand scheme of life, he thinks, and he keeps waiting for her to agree with him.
She will never agree with him, because for her, it’s not ACTUALLY about the glass. The glass situation could be ANY situation in which she feels unappreciated and disrespected by her husband.
The wife doesn’t want to divorce her husband because he leaves used drinking glasses by the sink.
She wants to divorce him because she feels like he doesn’t respect or appreciate her, which suggests he doesn’t love her, and she can’t count on him to be her lifelong partner. She can’t trust him. She can’t be safe with him. Thus, she must leave and find a new situation in which she can feel content and secure.
In theory, the man wants to fight this fight, because he thinks he’s right (and I tend to agree with him): The dirty glass is not more important than marital peace.
If his wife thought and felt like him, he’d be right to defend himself. Unfortunately, most guys don’t know that she’s NOT fighting about the glass. She’s fighting for acknowledgment, respect, validation, and his love.
If he KNEW that — if he fully understood this secret she has never explained to him in a way that doesn’t make her sound crazy to him (causing him to dismiss it as an inconsequential passing moment of emo-ness), and that this drinking glass situation and all similar arguments will eventually end his marriage, I believe he WOULD rethink which battles he chose to fight, and would be more apt to take action doing things he understands to make his wife feel loved and safe.
I think a lot of times, wives don’t agree with me. They don’t think it’s possible that their husbands don’t know how their actions make her feel because she has told him, sometimes with tears in her eyes, over and over and over and over again how upset it makes her and how much it hurts.
And this is important: Telling a man something that doesn’t make sense to him once, or a million times, doesn’t make him “know” something. Right or wrong, he would never feel hurt if the same situation were reversed so he doesn’t think his wife SHOULD hurt.
“I never get upset with you about things you do that I don’t like!” men reason, as if their wives are INTENTIONALLY choosing to feel hurt and miserable.
When you choose to love someone, it becomes your pleasure to do things that enhance their lives and bring you closer together, rather than a chore.
It’s not: Sonofabitch, I have to do this bullshit thing for my wife again.
It’s: I’m grateful for another opportunity to demonstrate to my wife that she comes first and that I can be counted on to be there for her, and needn’t look elsewhere for happiness and fulfillment.
Once someone figures out how to help a man equate the glass situation (which does not, and will never, affect him emotionally) with DEEPLY wounding his wife and making her feel sad, alone, unloved, abandoned, disrespected, and afraid.
Once men really grasp that and accept it as true even though it doesn’t make sense to them?
Everything changes forever.
♦◊♦
Photo: iStock
This post originally appeared on Must Be This Tall To Ride and then on HuffingtonPost.
Personally i agree with Archie here. My first wife of 20 years was like this before i was the one to walk out. It comes down to personality issues. I was like Matt. Coffe cups were the mode. But it was her control issuesand the desire for me to learn ESP that was the kicker. My 2nd wife of 8 years now merely asks me to pick up this or that and leaves it be. I do it and all good. I have ADD so she knows i get unfocused ptetty quickly. Too many things catch my interest. I have… Read more »
“Men Are Not Children, Even Though We Behave Like Them”
Also, men Are Not Children, Even Though We Are Often Treated As Such.
As the saying goes,
“If you fight over the little, you’ll have a lot of fighting to do.”
““Men Are Not Children, Even Though We Behave Like Them””
Men don’t behave like children, fullstop. A few might due to immaturity or mental/physical disabilities but adult men near universally act like adults. I wonder how many people who say men behave like children and need mothering….would lose their shit if someone said women are crazy and can’t think rational thoughts?
Rational thought = Pissed off at your partner for being generally untidy and not pulling their weight in the cleaning. Irrational thought = Divorcing or wanting a divorce over a damn glass.
Matthew
I good article. I liked it a lot.
Even though I am always the guilty one when it comes to housework and keeping things tidy and neat; I do understand this woman. I really do.
I think she was already cheating on him and used the glass as an excuse (or considering an affair). That way, later on she can tell her friends what a lazy, good for nothing POS he was and she (and they) will feel the affair was justified.
?
What are you confused about silke? I would be happy to clarify and would hate for you to end up putting words into my mouth again.
A woman who literally gets so upset by that one act of the glass on the sink is a woman not worth being in your life. ” She can’t be safe with him. ” obviously not. She needs a therapist to feel safe, not a husband. Is there more to this story that people are reading into? Or am I too tired and overlooking something else. A woman was willing to throw away a marriage over one behaviour that would barely annoy the majority of the population. To live with a woman so intent on having a spotless house that… Read more »
Archy, I disagree. Women like this are quite common. If they were not, then this article, and others like it, would be rare. Unfortunately, there are MANY people who think that this woman is completely justified in this kind of thinking and behavior. You did an excellent job revealing the ridiculousness of this woman’s position by simply reversing the gender roles and calling it what it is–emotional abuse.
I would hope they aren’t too common. I think it’s common for smaller fights in a relationship but I haven’t heard many that would truly make it so big that it would kill a marriage. Surely there has to be other stuff going on vs one glass being the make-or-break issue. I could totally understand if he was a complete slob and regularly ignored her wishes which would make her workload at home much higher, but 4 damn seconds is nothing.
Excellent take-down, Archy
Thank you!
Archy, Why are you instructing women on how to express themselves when the article specifically says that “she has told him, sometimes with tears in her eyes, over and over and over and over again how upset it makes her…” ? Clearly she has figured out how to communicate like a grown up! That is not the problem. The problem is, her husband (and you, apparently) don’t think it matters how she feels. That is exactly the point of this whole piece, which I think you and many others have missed. Your partner’s feelings may be irrational, and you may… Read more »
@Vayas “Why are you instructing women on how to express themselves when the article specifically says that “she has told him, sometimes with tears in her eyes, over and over and over and over again how upset it makes her…” ? ” Because all she has said is that it makes her upset, and this whole article’s point is that the glass wasn’t the real issue, it was a deeper feeling of insecurity where she didn’t feel loved. She did not communicate her feelings of not being loved because he did that act, she only communicated that it hurt her.… Read more »
This NOT emotional abuse Archy!
How do you reason, Silke?
An empty glass, that has contained nothing but water, standing on the kitchen counter, in a home without small children (I see no mention of such in the article) is not a health hazard or any risk in any other way, so in a purely objective view it is not something that NEEDS to be taken care of right this moment. Yet she wanted him to figure out all on his own that it actually was.
Change her reaction from crying and divorcing to screaming, yelling, and threatening him and people will probably realize how it can be an abusive situation. I think some people assume because she was crying, she was in pain, that she was the poor woman who’s husband just “didn’t get it” (another bullshit tactic people use), that she was the victim so to speak. People don’t need to yell, scream, and appear violent to control others…hell plenty little kids learn to try manipulate parents with tantrums, tears, and very visible signs of internal pain. His entire article reminds me of a… Read more »
Over-reacting and using ones emotions against their partner can be emotional abuse. There is very little difference between a woman using her tears and hyper-sensitivity of an issue and a man screaming and yelling in anger due to his hyper-sensitivity of an issue, yet most people only see the latter as abusive. One uses fear, the other uses guilt as a way to emotionally manipulate the other person. “Emotional Blackmail and FOG, terms coined by psychotherapist Susan Forward, are about controlling people in relationships and the theory that fear, obligation or guilt (“FOG”) are the transactional dynamics at play between… Read more »
Archy – if you were any more of “on a roll” I’d have to buy you some wheels.
“Honestly I should use this article as a test for any woman I date.” – BINGO.
Exactly !
Well said Vayas.
When you invalidate your spouse’s feelings then don’t be surprised the day they walk away.
Vayas, I thought the point of the article was that it was never really, ACTUALLY, about the glass. The article specifically said so, too. The author even put that in bold. Since the glass is just a proxy for the real problem, “learning” to put it away won’t really solve anything. Hence, the “instruction” about proper communication. I’ve learned to shut up about most things, because any girlfriend I’ve had have been pretty upset about, and vocal about it, too, most suggestion I’ve come up with to do someting differently than they first intended. Even if they readily agreed that… Read more »
Actually Archy hasn’t missed a thing. The failed prognosis of bringing this to light: both the author and myself, married, and divorced closeted narcissists. I have a thing about finding the capital-T truth – along the lines of limits and Riemann sums of calculus – it’s to find where does the limit end to rational thought. Because if the limits reach +/- negative infinity – then it stands that the Truth of a statement withstands all including edge cases. Put it this way – imagine a scenario where your boyfriend is Jesus. I mean He’s practically God’s gift of being… Read more »
Also, presuming you didn’t marry a straight-out mean person, would you stop to contemplate WHY he won’t put away the glass? As you say, respect has to go both ways. But if I’m derided and treated like a child for something that is just a projection of the real issue, then even if I “learn” to put away the glass, there will be new projections coming up AS LONG AS I’m not treated with the respect of an adult who is capable of handling the real issue. Example. I admit I’ve been guilty of leaving clothing items on the bedroom… Read more »
The Fundamental Attribution Error: She has a pile of clothes because Reasons cause her to do it. You leave clothes on the floor because you’re just a filthy slob.
Jonathan,
Yes, A woman always has Reasons for her actions.
Any man doing something that disagrees with her Reasons is just Mean, Lazy or plain Stupid.
And all he need is to be properly trained to correct his ways in her favour.
Thank you for giving the phenomenon a name!
Thanks for thinking I’m wise, but the field of psychology gave it that name. 🙂 Basically, people tend to attribute their own actions to external circumstances that act upon them, but explain other people’s actions in terms of that person’s internal attributes, probably because they don’t see/experience/understand the circumstances that act upon the other person.
Maybe it’s about control for some, but mostly it’s about the frustration of seeing your time and energies repeatedly squandered by someone you thought would never do that to you. Few people get into marriages to boss someone around. It’s actually no fun and pretty stressful to fight all the time. Your response is a great demonstration of person who simply wants to be right and have the upper hand, which pretty much precludes any sort of calm, enjoyable partnership with anyone ever. You seem want things YOUR WAY – Singular. Except when you live with someone it’s gotta evolve… Read more »
Really good article, thanks
I was told by a girl that posted this piece o Shiate in my Facebook feed that it was ‘All about communication’ and not the glass…..I called b.s. and asked her where in the article that the woman directly said that there was anything more than the glass as an issue, and that she behaved in classic pedantic passive aggressive behaviour by expected the man to guess what the he’ll was in her head……she blocked, deleted and unfriended me, rather than respond. So much for ‘Communication’ meh. Marriage is a 50% losing prospect going into it, a one in two… Read more »
Hi all, hoping not to offend whilst adding my 2 cents worth. When I’ve entered into relationships & things get to the ‘moving-in-together stage, I’ve always asked about home maintenance. Does the guy do it himself? (noting the clean & tidy condition of the inside & outside of the home) or does he get someone in to do it? I’ve always been told that No, they do it themselves. And yep I double check before co-habitation to make sure I”m not going to have to be a maid or mother. But i[nvariably, once I’ve moved in, I find myself constantly… Read more »
Actually, Elle, I enjoyed reading it because although, Mathew brought up some very valid points (even though I contested one or two), you’ve helped to validate his contention from a woman’s point of view, which, of course, aided me (and perhaps others) in understanding, and expanding upon the dynamics here.
That is a good thing!
Little bit of man-blame there, Mathew. No? I understand the premise, I do, but it takes two to tango. Men are not acting like children because we leave a cup by the sink just as one’s wife is not being a child because she left your lawn rake out. We are no more children for not doing her bidding then she for not doing ours. My wife is the best, but I can’t count how many times I’ve had to take her to task in the early years for believing that she owned the high road, mother me, dress me,… Read more »
“Never be afraid to piss your wife off. It’s healthy.”
Does that apply to husbands as well? Never be afrai to piss off your husband/boyfriend?
Personally, I don’t like living in an environment where my partner wants to make me unhappy because he doesn’t care about making compromises.
I think Matthew made it pretty clear why this glass issue wasn’t trivial- it’s because it wasn’t about the glass at all. It’s easy to judge another’s needs and say they’re trivial when we don’t understand them. But true love and respect for the other person is about finding ways to make them feel respected. Our opinion of the legitimacy of their need is never going to be the point, and will only serve to make them feel worse if we try to make it so.
It is trivial Caitlin and should be judged as trivial. Now, if it’s a proxy, such as wanting to exercise control by forcing importance on something trivial, then let’s talk about that. As it stands and reads, it’s trivial to the core – not only trivial, but demonstrably dumb. I drink water often throughout the day when at home. I use the same glass over and over again. If my mate drew respect in that manner, then I may as well ask him to curtsy every time he entered my presence. It sure would make me feel respected, in a… Read more »
Yep, that’s petty alright. It demonstrates how people who NEED control over everything view the world. Having control over the tiny things in her life were/are more important than a relationship with the author.
While it is indeed true that there is much value in demonstrating your love for someone in “the little things”, it shouldn’t be wasted on petty-minded people.
Elissa – A glass on the counter may be trivial in your relationship. That doesn’t mean there aren’t things in your relationship that would seem trivial to others, that are actually really important to you. It’s about respect. We all do things that either make our partner feel more respected or less respected. For the author’s wife, this action made her feel less respected. I bet you could make a list of things in your relationship that have made you feel respected or not. I certainly can. And those lists may not say the same things, but they mean the… Read more »
Erin – reading some of the comments, and now yours as well, it feels like I’m sitting in on a Hell’s Angels bike gang meeting, where displaying my gang patches, seeking respect – or donning the proper gang colors, flashing the proper gang signs – or something similarly tribal, is the way one shows respect. When exactly did respect take on such a banal existence? What happened to respecting things that are valuable rather than trivial? Many things we experience give rise to emotions and feelings, but feelings alone should not be awarded with respect by default. The cause of… Read more »
That’s a whole lot of self flagellation there Matthew…
The question is not whether you can overcome something so trivial to earn her respect, but rather, why something so trivial holds such high importance in the mind of your mate.
The issue with respecting trivial things is that there are millions of them out there and they all suffer fickleness .