She Never Loved Herself, and That Was the Problem

Her life would have been so different if she’d loved herself. She knew this, because she had three close friends who did love themselves, and their lives turned out so much better than hers. Here’s her story.

She felt ugly as a child

People can’t help the family they were born into. Some people lucked out and won the family lottery. Their parents were loving and supportive, and their children grew up to be confident and secure.

Not her. It was a disaster.

Her father was dying a slow death from cancer, and her mother was trying to take care of him. Her mother was too preoccupied with her father’s illness and dealing with valid concerns about how she was going to support her two girls after he was gone.

Her moodiness and anxiety annoyed her mother. They did not have much in common. For she was neither graceful nor sociable. She despised household chores and her mother loved to clean.

Therefore, she was frequently the target of her mother’s anger and frustration. Her mother often compared her unfavorably to the blue-eyed beauty queen who lived next door.

She hated her brown eyes.

With a stressed mother and the early death of her father, she grew up feeling ugly, unworthy, and unwanted. She hated herself. And once a person believes they aren’t worthy, it’s hard to change the narrative.

She was socially awkward

She didn’t know how to joke with people. Do you know the person who never gets a joke? The person who states the obvious? That describes her. And her life was a living hell because of her lack of social graces.

She would never be the cool one — the beautiful, graceful cheerleader. She would never be the Homecoming Queen like the girl next door. And she knew it.

Even worse, she was terrible at sports. In life, a lot of flaws will be forgiven if one is a great athlete and can help their team win a game.

She wasn’t that person.

She thought a man could rescue her

She grew up dreaming of her Prince Charming — the man who would fall madly in love with her, and take her away from her critical mother.

Finally, she would get the love she yearned for.

She never thought she had any power to rescue herself. She didn’t think she had any power at all.

She felt unlovable and unwanted.

Her prince would come into her life and give her everything she lacked. She was incomplete without love. She needed love desperately — which brings us to the next part.

She became codependent

Because she didn’t love herself, she became codependent. She was a giant bundle of neediness, waiting for that perfect person to rescue her.

She never felt worthy of love. She needed someone to complete her.

She would do anything for love. She would often put others’ needs ahead of her own.

She would be all in, too fast. Her love was a hungry force, controlling and needy. She drove normal partners away. It lead her to the one person who gravitated toward her type.

She attracted narcissists

Narcissists love codependents. They like the power of manipulating someone who would do anything for them.

And so she was hurt over and over because she wasn’t good enough for the narcissist. Nothing she did would ever get her the love she craved.

She put up with disrespect and hot and cold treatment from her boyfriend. She took abuse her healthier friends would never have taken.

She was cheated on and screamed at. Once her partner smacked her in the head right in front of a friend.

She tried so hard to create the dream of love she wanted. And that’s all it ever became — an unattainable dream. Her low self-esteem sabotaged her every step of the way.

She didn’t realize that you can’t attract a stable and loving partner if you don’t love yourself.

She put aside her career dreams and did what others wanted

Because she didn’t love herself, she spent many years supporting her partner’s dreams. She would help him with his business. He was the important one in the relationship, not her.

She didn’t matter in the relationship. Only he did.

She put her life on hold. Her life wasn’t important. She didn’t love herself. Throughout her life, she lived vicariously through the people she was with.

She wasted years.

And while she wasted years with the wrong people, her friends who loved themselves found healthy partners. They flourished in their relationships and were treated well.

They went after their careers too. They knew their value. They had fulfilling lives and were well-loved.

Now she’s reached an age where it’s not easy to pursue her dreams

She’s now a defeated woman, and ten steps behind everyone else.

She’s finally pursuing her career. As she struggles, her friends have time and resources to go on relaxing vacations with their long-time husbands.

She’s exhausted. Many days she wants to give up. But she must keep on going. It’s time to love herself— and to pursue her dreams.

Because she never had the life she wanted. Because she didn’t love herself. She wonders if it’s too late to find the healthy relationship she always wanted and needed.

She wonders if she’ll be alone forever.