Ask Wendy: Dating, Sex & Relationship Advice for the Bold
Hey Wendy,
My fiance is refusing to take my last name. Why would the woman who says she loves me not take my name?
Troy T.
____
Hey Troy,
What’s your last name?
Hitler?
Dick?
Crapper?
These are real possibilities here.
Maybe she loves her last name.
Maybe she hates yours.
Maybe she’s built a long-standing career around her name.
Maybe it flows better or is easier to spell.
Maybe she’s rebelling against convention (and there’s not one thing wrong with that!)
I beg you to consider that this issue has nothing to do with her love for you.
And here’s a history lesson for perspective.
This whole “take his last name” business started in England. The term used for it is Coverture, which means when a man and woman tie the knot, the woman’s legal rights and obligations are subsumed by those of her husband.
This tradition, Coverture, means her legal status and rights as a person are lessened.
A married woman’s legal status became feme covert. As an unmarried woman, her status was feme sole, and that gave her the right to own property, make contracts, and do any damned thing she wanted to in her own name.
I don’t know about you, Troy, but I think a healthy balance of autonomy and partnership is good for the longevity of a happy relationship.
If you need to understand why that’s fair — just ask her.
But I offer for your consideration that she loves you and she’s a person who wants to remain her own person after she says “I do.”
Happy wedding!
. . . .
Wendy Newman is the author of 121 First Dates. She’s a dating, sex, and relationship expert who’s led hundreds of workshops and revolutionized the lives of over 80,000+ people internationally. For tools and advice, visit wendyspeaks.com
Want a happy relationship for the long haul? Grab Wendy’s DIY Relationship Workshop, Happy in Love.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: Cindy Baffour — Unsplash