Don’t be the guy who just won’t go away—learn to read her cues in order to make real connections.
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Some bad news for you Gentlemen:
you’re not the only ones who play the game.
Women will sometimes turn the tables on you and play hard to get. Just like you will work hours (and sometimes days) eliciting value, a girl will shut down in hopes of getting more effort from you. Is she doing it on purpose? At times. Other times, it may be her instinct kicking in, or her mother’s words echoing in her ears: “Make him work for you.”
Does that mean the girl is not interested in you? Absolutely not. Quite the contrary: she is very interested. As a matter of fact, I would take it a step further: the more interested she is, the more she will play hard to get. There are generally two reasons a girl will give you a cold shoulder even when interested: A. She does not want to appear ‘easy’. B: She is testing your level of interest. So how can you tell if a girl is playing hard to get as opposed to just not being interested in you?
Here are a few ways:
- She will not answer your calls… But she will call you in a day or two “just to say hi.” Alternatively, she may text you later to say that she was too busy to answer the phone.
- She will turn down every date proposal you offer. However, she will counter will subtle hints like “there is this trendy club that just opened downtown.” That means she is interested, she just wants you to take her somewhere she prefers.
- Look for physical signs and body language to see if she is really interested. Does she play with or flip her hair in front of you? Does she suggestively suck on her cocktail straw? Does she stroke that wineglass stem as she’s talking to you? All these are tell-tale signs she is interested in you and is just playing hard to get.
So what are some ways to combat these methods?
- Beat her at her own game. If you determined that she is interested, lean back (not toward) her when she speaks to you. Treat flirting the way you would a poker game: you don’t want to reveal all your cards at once. Keep her guessing about your own interest. Give her hints of compliments to make her wonder if you’re into her. If you give away too much, she will lose interest.
- Play her game. If she does not answer your call—do not call back. Wait for her to text or call. Same with texting: don’t be in a hurry to answer her texts. Let one or two of them linger. If she texts back that she is ‘worried’, answer her eventually by saying that you were so wrapped up you did not even have time to read her text.
- Keep the mystery. While dropping subtle hints that you like her, do not actually say so or behave in a way that would smother her. The less you reveal about yourself, the more you spark her curiosity. If she is curious, she will come back.
- Give her space. More often than not, a girl playing hard to get needs her space. Do not initiate lingering contact. Do not invade her space too much and generally. Peak her interest intellectually, not physically.
If none of these tactics work, she is not playing hard to get—she is just not interested. In that case, no matter how much you wanted it, cut your losses and move on. There is nothing worse than a guy who just won’t go away!
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This essay originally appeared on NYSocials and is republished on Medium.
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Read Marina Margulis on The Good Men Project!
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Photo credit: iStock
Run, Forrest, Run!
This is just plain bad advice. As a man in my mid 20’s I’ve been recently looking for a more long term relationship. And any kind of the above mentioned beheavore is a warning sing of insecerites and endless mind games, neither of witch are (long term) relationship material. At this point in my life if a gal starts off playing these games I’ll play but I tell them strait up I’m not looking for anything serious. (with you)
Maybe she just not that into you. OK, and definitely you deserve better.
This article encourages men and women to be passive-aggressive jerks to one another. Seriously? Not! Girl! Please! Bye!
Marina, your bio says that dating should be “fun and effortless”. The advice you give in this article is anything but that. I’m with the guys on this one…if a woman plays these games with me I’m done with her. I recently met someone through online dating and we had a lot in common, but she would go “radio silent” for days. She called me while driving home, then when she arrived she said I have to carry some stuff inside, I’ll call you in a little bit, and I didn’t hear from her for a week. This happened a… Read more »
This is how immature people play it. I confess I did this sort of thing when I was young and inexperienced – timing my calls to appear interested but not TOO interested. What a silly power game. I’m so glad I woke up. If someone really is interested, they will be excited that you are interested back and will want to hang out. Some people are genuinely busy but if they like you, they’ll find a way to meet up sooner or later. And if they’re not really interested but don’t have the guts to admit it straight up or… Read more »
No woman who plays hard to get or makes you chase her is worth your time. Move on to someone who appreciates your time and is a mature adult, not some silly game-playing fool that should have outgrown the behaviour in high school. There’s a reason why this type of woman is usually unmarried and still trying to find a date over 40.
I don’t play games and I don’t tolerate sh*t tests. Buh-bye!
Right, Anthony? I dunno. I mean, there must be a market for this type of gamesmanship if the author is considered the top of her field, and perhaps I’m just built differently, because I just don’t get it. When dating, if a woman didn’t answer my calls, or ignored me, she’d be history. If she was out to test my “interest” in such ways, I’d fail miserably, and be happy that I did. If i were into games I’d borrow my nephews video game console. Maybe there are guys out there with such low self esteem as to play such… Read more »
Lol. Your last sentence is great, DJ. I fired off a text to my girlfriend shortly after reading this thanking her, too. Maybe this article is subversively motivational.
This article is BS. It’s getting a little tiring of reading these less than insightful articles encouraging men and women to act like dysfunctional psychopaths. Such pieces do no one any good.
Or here’s a thought. Act like an adult and say what you want rather than relying on signals and cues. This will also go a long way toward driving down sexual assault.
Ah…I love this site, but articles like this drive me nuts. Everyone is different, but at my age (40) and station in life, having been through enough relationships and a long (for my age) marriage, any woman demonstrating the above “hard to get” behavior to me is quickly dropped like a hot rock with carb cleaner on it. I can’t speak to how “fun” it would be as a younger man to “feel the thrill of the chase” (although I was never that way), but my advice to young-ish men that are respectful and honest about finding someone they want… Read more »
LOL! I came down to the comments to say something, but I see I don’t have to now. Thanks Jim!