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You know what?
I’m tired of reading how men have it so hard and can’t express their feelings.
Fuck our feelings.
It’s. Not. About. Us.
To put a finer point on it, the vast majority of bullshit I, and most everyone I know and love, wade through daily is a byproduct of White Male Supremacist Society wrapped in the brittle shell of White Male Fragility.
White Fragility – a mental state where even a minimum of racial stress becomes intolerable triggering a range of defensive actions and biological responses. This is compounded by White Males who are also problematic regarding gender equality which magnifies problematic behaviors.
A young man wrote an elegant breakdown I read on White Fragility that I will paraphrase and amend to include sexism. He took a lot of heat so I’m not going to put him on blast.
To which I say, bring it.
The twin frailties White and Male should be synonymous as far as we are concerned regarding this topic.
All this fragility occurs under the false assumption that both racism and sexism are issues rooted in personal morality rather than systemic, intentionally baked into our society for hundreds of years. There are no accidents, only precedents. Racism and Sexism aren’t just ideologies but institutions.
Today, White Men believe if they are good people with good morals, they are incapable of being racist or sexist. So, when White Men are called out for saying or doing something racially insensitive or sexist it’s a zero sum game. They believe they are being called immoral, bad people. White Liberals are particularly susceptible and will rattle off every march and cause they support as bonafides to escape the label of racist or sexist.
We are what our record says we are, for over 400 years America’s race and gender record is abysmal. Today, Americans are raised in a racist and sexist society that exists as a result of our history of violent race-based and patriarchal oppression. From birth, all are socialized to harbor racist and sexist tendencies. POC & Women included, self loathing feeds the beast.
Though impact is > intent, problematic racist and sexist statements or actions engaged in ignorantly doesn’t make you a horrible person. We are all conditioned in this miasma of racism and sexism. It’s pervasive and self perpetuating.
What makes you a horrible person is hiding behind privilege, unwilling to hear others narratives, ignoring POC or women who call you out, to defend, make excuses, gaslight or shut down out of your own Fragility. Regulating oppressed people’s thoughts or words so you can feel better makes you part of the problem.
Instead of seeing being called out as a personal attack on your character, own your shit, learn from it, don’t fear uncomfortable situations that challenge even long held views, take these uncomfortable episodes as an opportunity for growth.
Do you feel angry and hurt? Personally attacked?
An overwhelming desire to respond with a comment longer than this post and “set me straight”?
You may be suffering from White Male Fragility at this very moment.
But there is help.
Fuck your feelings.
I’ve already told you, it’s not about you or your feelings.
Your feelings aren’t more important than other’s lived experiences. I, for one, am done coddling grown folks playing lip service as “allies” who haven’t yet, or are unwilling to figure out their blind spots about societal privilege, sexist and racist behaviors.
Just do the fucking work.
My brother Jackie Summers wrote recently, “Dominant cultures do not get to determine what is an acceptable level of oppression.” It’s indisputable that a White CIS Male Straight Supremacy dominates all aspects of American life.
The “Fragility” barrier prevents effective conversations on both race and sexism. It’s a self awareness suppressant and tool of White Supremacy. White Male fragility allows people not to be held accountable for their words and actions, it allows White Men to continue to control the narrative and govern when and how both racism and sexism is discussed, and reinforces existing power dynamics thus upholding white male supremacy within our society.
I’m not playing this game anymore.
I’m sick and tired of making excuses for problematic heteronormative, CIS, male behavior learned and reinforced by the dominant cultural take. A take I’m dripping in as much of my culture was stolen and replaced since my ancestors were enslaved on Barbados.
Look, I’m guiltily of all kinds of sexist shit. I’ve had to cobble my feminism from scratch. I’m not looking for a badge or a cookie. I don’t want nor need sympathy for dealing with said problematic behavior. Don’t cry for me. It’s my responsibility as a CIS straight male who enjoys the societal privileges my status comes with. I’m fortunate to enjoy the friendship of many smart women I admire, they’ve assisted me greatly on my journey, but I don’t let it get to my head. I’ve got a long way to go.
I only ask for my sisters patience to school me when I’m straying out of my lane. And beg their forgiveness when I fuck up so I can avoid poisoning my seed. My boy, in modeling how to behave, and my girl in what to accept.
I must get better for them, their mother and myself.
I need to do better daily resisting centering myself in women’s struggles, I get that. It’s not about me. It’s not about my intent. It’s about the impact of my words and actions.
I’ll be dammed if I coddle a single person that won’t do the same work and remain willfully ignorant of their own negative impact. Remaining so mediocre and entitled that they are offended by being excluded from Woman-Only Screenings of Wonder Woman.
A film many of these White Men ridiculed, predicted would flop. (Early reviews are sterling) Blowing up Reddit (Because all female lead CBM’s suck, read the comments if you dare) and now suddenly only want to see the film WITH the same women they demean on-line because they were told they’re not welcome.
Women deserve their own spaces. Let’s be real. White Men have ALWAYS enjoyed spaces reserved for White Men. They still do very much as they please, the rules for the rest of us don’t apply. Your President and supporters are perfect examples.
But guess what.
Believe it or not.
Not everything is for you, Sport.
Not this time.
From a recent Rolling Stone article titled, “Why Women Only Wonder Woman Screening That Spaked Outrage Is Vital” –
“After all, feminism and female empowerment are only acceptable according to men’s terms. Wonder Woman’s presence among the DC superheroes (like Superman, Batman and The Flash) is accepted because her strength is a fetish. So long as she is confined to sexual fantasies, men welcome the novelty of a woman who beats men at their game. She becomes less desirable when she resists a conventional male gaze, or when she becomes a model for other women to emulate. And she becomes a bonafide problem when she is rendered inaccessible, even for a night.”
Any girl born after 2005 has never seen a woman star in her own comic book film.
In this golden age of the CBM how is that even possible if not by design?
No accidents, only precedents. I wrote about sexism plaguing Hollywood years before this film was announced in “The Fierce Urgency of Wonder Woman“.
So this Wonder Woman film is a big fucking deal.
This might even be the start of something.
My daughter and other’s daughters may walk away from this experience changed. Their world larger. Their hearts fuller. New possibilities springing forth. Seeing themselves as –
- Stateswomen.
- Warriors.
- Heroes.
- Badasses.
An army of self actualized, pussy-grabber proof girls and women must keep these Fragile men awake at night. This is a terrifying prospect to a patriarchal society longing for “the good old days” or handmaidens, but would be totally blindsided by shieldmaidens.
But stories, myths and legends have always held this power. They inspire us. The stories we tell ourselves about who we are give us a mirror to recognize heroic traits within. How can White Men not see themselves as extraordinary? They’ve told themselves this in every form of media for centuries. They’ve controlled the narrative so long it’s become a joke today about “the self-confidence of the mediocre white man”.
But outdated ideas on race and gender no longer cut it, and grow brittle under any real scrutiny. I suspect these men are the immune response of a Patriarchy hopefully in it’s last gasps.
This is why controlling OUR narratives are VITAL for those of us who are marginalized by broader society. Igniting the belief we can be heroes too represents a paradigm shift unwanted by some.
To that end, by writing and directing SONY Pictures Spiderverse spin off, Silver & Black, Gina Prince-Bythewood has become the first black woman to write & direct a superhero film. Prince-Bythewood also recently directed the Freeform network’s pilot for Marvel’s upcoming Cloak & Dagger.
Like my good friend Charles Conley, fellow Black Geek, Foamsmith & Cosplayer extraordinare Owner of Ebony Warrior Studios always says, –
“Representation matters”.
Our fictional heroes matter. They can help shape our realities.
I’ll quote Kyle’s monologue form South Park Imaginationland episode 3 –
“It’s all real. Think about it. Haven’t Luke Skywalker and Santa Claus affected your lives more than most real people in this room?
I mean, whether Jesus is real or not, he – he’s had a bigger impact on the world than any of us have. And the same can be said for Bugs Bunny and – and Superman and Harry Potter.
They’ve changed my life – changed the way I act on the earth.
Doesn’t that make them kind of real?
They might be imaginary but, but they’re more important than most of us here. And they’re all gonna be around here long after we’re dead.
So, in a way, those things are more realer than any of us.
In that regard, Wonder Woman’s impact is real. She’s inspired women and girls for 75 years and counting.
Wonder Woman matters.
Woman-Only screenings at a growing number of Alamo Drafthouse Theaters matter as well.
How do I know?
Well first, if they didn’t, why be so insistent to intrude upon something deemed inconsequential?
ALAMO Drafthouse is so pleased with the overall response that they’re planning to bring the Woman Only Screenings to other locations. Dallas, Austin, and DC locations will donate proceeds from ticket sales to local women’s charities.
So, it seems the fire is spreading.
Shieldmaidens not Handmaidens.
I’d never intrude on an Alamo woman-only screening, one, because I’m not a total entitled jerk. But mostly, I want women to revel in this. They’ve more than earned and deserve it. It’s been a long time coming.
I’m delighted for my baby girl and everyone else’s girls, sisters, mothers and daughters & grandmothers, friends & family to relax, enjoy the show, free of men if they so choose.
I get it.
When I go to my first screening of Black Panther, I’m going to a theatre Blacker than Brooklyn on the corner of Flatbush & Myrtle at midnight!
Of course, Women staffers are perfectly capable of handling the door, they don’t need me, but if they wanted a bouncer on the outside to pitch in? You are damn straight I’d assist my sisters to “escort”off the fucking premises any guy that got lost.
Fuck that noise.
Wonder Woman premiers June 2nd. Support Alamo Drafthouse in their efforts here’s a link
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