That’s the million-dollar question.
You’re not stupid: you know it’s abuse and whilst some days you believe it’s your fault, deep down, you know it’s not right.
You’re completely controlled, you’ve lost all sense of who you are, you’re no longer in touch with your needs and desires and you’re entire existence is about pleasing your partner, outsmarting his/her triggers and doing exactly what you’re told.
It’s a tragedy for those people who once believed in you, who saw so much potential in you but can now only witness from afar, the gradual drowning of a person they loved and still love so much.
But getting out is not easy … particularly when there are kids involved:
The upheaval of leaving home? (They love their house, their room, their neighborhood, their school, their friends, their ballet group)
The financial instability? (You’ll be plagued by guilt that you made the decision to go)
Where will you go? (You can’t sofa-surf for long if you have kids)
How will your partner react? (he/she could get violent and/or manipulate the kids)
Will he/she turn the kids against you? (they’re all you’ve got and provide the only love and affirmation in your life … at the moment, they are your life!)
Will they understand? (they’re only little: it will be years until they understand)
What will life be like when they are on their own with him/her? (will they be safe and if not, how would I be able to prove that in a family court of law?)
So many questions and so few clear answers!
A good parent lays down their life for their children, so that’s it, you’re staying, you have to make the best of it: keep a stiff upper lip and all that and then, here comes the amazingly brilliant lie, the lie which is so seductive and which keeps people trapped for years. WHEN & THEN.
WHEN the kids are older, THEN I’ll leave.
WHEN I’m stronger and better prepared, THEN I’ll leave.
So you put it off, because WHEN & THEN are among the most effective self-delusional traps known to man or beast, but you keep wrestling with the truth … that leaving is the only correct option … it eats away at you.
So when it’s all swirling around your head and you don’t know what’s true and what’s false, consider the 5 truths below.
- There are costs if you leave BUT … there are costs if you stay: your mental health, your physical health, your safety and the kids’ safety. And of course, they will grow up to see an abusive relationship between their parents as the norm, thus increasing their chances of becoming entangled in an abusive relationship (as the victim or the abuser).
- Once the dynamic in a relationship is set, that dynamic is SET and it’s very difficult to change it. If you stay, the relationship WON’T get better, in most cases, it will get worse.
- Once the concept of ‘leaving’ eats away at you as a potential option, it won’t stop eating you up until you leave.
- The grass really is greener on the other side of the hill, it’s just you have to crawl through the slime and the mud to get there. As you battle the slime, a gale will blow and driving rain will weigh you down. But eventually, and just when you think you have nothing left, the sun comes out and you move onto more even ground. You keep trudging forward and eventually, you emerge onto those lush green pastures.
- If you resonate with this post, get help and get out!
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Previously published on Medium.com.
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Photo credit: By Alexander Krivitskiy on Unsplash