Should We Stop Dating When We See One Thing that Really Bothers Us?

I like to think I’m a mostly fair-minded, good-hearted woman. But sometimes I do, unfortunately, judge a guy for one little thing I don’t like and, based on that one little thing, I stop dating him. I know it’s not fair.

If we all dismiss everyone as a dating prospect just because of one little thing we didn’t like, then no wonder we’re all perpetually single.

Rationally, I know this, but somehow I still find myself tempted to eliminate men based on one little thing that rubs me wrong. Here are 3 examples to help you consider whether to keep dating someone or break up when you see that one little thing.

1. Sexy is as sexy does.

One of the things we constantly hear in dating is that you’re supposed to communicate. Let people know if something bothers you. Don’t expect them to be mind readers.

I get that, and I understand that’s important. But I’d only met the guy once when he started doing something that bothered me.

The thing: He kept text-complimenting me that I was sexy. “You looked sexy today.” Uhhh…ok. I mean, I was just in loose, athletic pants and a loose t-shirt for our hike — my typical gear, nothing tight, and nothing anyone would even perceive remotely risqué or tantalizing.

But if me being me is sexy, cool. Seems like we’ll do just fine.

But then the next day, again, “You’re just really sexy.” Ok. Thank you.

By the third time he texted “You’re so sexy” out of the blue, it felt off. I know I’m not supposed to just discard a dating prospect for one little thing. He wasn’t doing anything else that concerned me. He seemed like a really decent guy.

But…the 4th and 5th time. I don’t know. There was something…old man about him, like he didn’t know this isn’t the era to keep telling a woman he barely knows that she’s sexy.

I’m so sympathetic about the dilemma men face in this modern age, walking around on societal eggshells, trying to figure out which women are ok with what.

One woman is ok with men opening doors for her. One woman will scold men who open doors for her.

So…I’m not going to jump down the poor guy’s throat.

I guess at some point I could say, “Hey — Maybe just lighten up on the ‘you’re sexy’ bit.” But then…it sounds like I’m already being critical, and that is no bueno.

If men have to be concerned about accidentally stepping on a feminist landmine in today’s dating culture, women have to be careful to not accidentally step on the “she’s already nagging me” landmine. Lose-lose for all of us.

So yeah…I just did the thing where I let him know I wasn’t feeling it tho I’d so enjoyed meeting him. I didn’t tell him that the “You’re sexy” thing bothered me.

2. They’re all “fill in the blank”.

Supposedly, we all know one of the golden rules of the first dates is to avoid talking about exes. But…it happens. I don’t mind hearing a little bit about exes because that info gives me insight into the fella.

Plus, we all seem to be trying to get the answer to, “Why are you single?” We want to go ahead and figure out if something is wrong with the person.

Lawd knows I wish I could find out upfront what the deal is with a guy rather than invest 3 months of time and effort before finally realizing the guy is a no-go.

One of the things that I’ve found makes me feel like backing away from a guy is when he broad strokes the women he’s dated into one negative reason for why he’s single.

One guy I met was 48 years old and had never been married. I already feel a bit cautious about never-been-married guys in this age bracket, but I’ve been trying to make sure I’m open-minded.

(By the way, there are supposedly 5 main reasons a man has never been married before age 40, and none of them lend themselves to ‘when he’s 50 he’ll then be ready for a ‘til-death-do-us-part’ kind of commitment with a woman.)

So this guy asked me why I thought I was single. After giving him my standard spiel (because I’ve for sure been asked that enough), I felt it was ok to ask the question back.

His answer: “Well, most of the women I’ve dated have been conniving and manipulative.”

Oh. Lawd. With this one sentence, our dating screeched to a halt.

C’mon now. I have rarely — maybe even never — met anyone who was truly conniving and manipulative. So…how is it that almost all of the women he meets keep turning out to be conniving and manipulative?

Psychology 101 says that something is kind of off when a person attributes something that has happened for 30 years to the general rottenness of humans.

The thing is, I didn’t immediately turn tail and run for the hills. Instead, I started probing, asking a ton of questions to understand why he thought the women were conniving and manipulative. I was trying to get him to produce evidence that the women were truly all conniving and manipulative.

The funny thing is that he ditched me, and deservedly so as I was cross-examining the poor guy like he was a hostile witness on the stand. Yet I was the one who sensed, from this one statement, that I should bail. I didn’t, because I wanted to give the benefit of the doubt. But then I didn’t give him the benefit of the doubt. I pressed him to admit he was wrong.

Perhaps on his list of ‘one little thing that rubs me wrong and makes me immediately bail’ is “when a woman’s line of questioning is clearly designed to force me to admit I’m wrong about something.”

So…double uncool on both of us.

3. It’s just bad luck…or is it?

I once got to know a guy via phone calls. We never even reached the ‘meeting in person’ point before the ‘one thing’ popped up.

The thing: He’d been in about 15 car accidents. He’d been hit on his bike by cars about 8 times.

He’d had a few surgeries here and there, including one where they operated on the right limb instead of the left limb — a straight-out-of-TV-show plot. He’d probably always have residual back and neck pain for the rest of his life. But…that’s not all.

When he was in his 20s, his fiancée was killed in a car crash. He’d been laid off by 2 different companies in 3 years, plus changed jobs 4 times in 5 years because of different re-organizations and because he didn’t get the raise he wanted.

I know that sounds like more than ‘one thing’, but the one thing I saw was…this guy had 30 years of bad luck. Bad, bad luck.

When you hear stories like this, you start out with deep sympathy for someone who has gone through a lot. And you even feel a bit of respect for the strength they must have had to get through so much hardship and sadness.

But then…I don’t know if it’s being overly paranoid or if it’s being unkind, but something in my head started wondering:

Is it a whole lot of bad luck, or is it a whole lot of bad judgement?

Sure, we’ve all fumbled a bit in life. Some of us take longer to get our legs underneath us and walk than others. But things generally calm down by our 40s and 50s. We’ve got a lot of stuff figured out, but this guy was still in yet another accident and another lay off at age 50.

And…it just seemed strange that his particular brand of bad luck should yield a bunch of insurance payouts and litigation settlements. And that’s where…something didn’t jive for me.

And maybe that’s the dilemma a lot of us who have been out here in the dating-verse for a while have been experiencing. We can’t tell what a legitimate red flag is versus overblowing one thing into thinking we’re fixing to be a victim in the plot of a made-for-TV movie.

Bottom Line

You may think the grand conclusion to be drawn is “Don’t do these things”. Or, “Avoid anyone who does these things.” But these days…I don’t know.

I’m thinking…maybe we all need to stop judging based on one thing. Wait to see if patterns emerge. Give each other the benefit of the doubt.

But the way this “one thing that bothers me a ton” thing works is that it somehow outweighs all the good we see in a person.

When that happens, the “one thing” may just be a symptom that…we’re not feeling strongly enough about the person to overlook the bothersome thing.

Maybe that ‘one thing’ is really a symptom that registers in our consciousness of something our unconscious mind is already picking up on — that the person just isn’t the right fit, though we can’t really verbalize why.

So while I believe we need to all give each other a chance even when we don’t behave ‘perfectly’ according to a bunch of different people’s version of what appropriate behavior is, I also believe that when you feel that strong sense of “No” about one thing, it’s ok to act on that.

Suppose you don’t. Suppose you decide, “I’m not going to kick her to the curb for this one little thing. I know to be more sensible than that.”

Well, if you’re human, then you’re apt to continue scanning her for more and more reasons to dump her, in essence building a case against her to justify that initial instinct. I’m not saying it’s a foregone conclusion but…it’s a tendency humans have.

Of the times I’ve ended a potential relationship because of that ‘one thing’ that bothered me, I’ve never looked back and questioned whether I should or shouldn’t have. That kind of seals it for me that it wasn’t going to work out anyway.

So maybe it’s ok to rule against someone for even a simple, minor dating infraction. Just don’t whine about being lonely and not being able to find anyone to date if you do that a lot.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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