Should You Disclose That You Are Dating Other People?

She was in a pickle.

She had been dating two different men over the last month, taking things fairly slow with both of them. In a weird turn of events, both men suggested going away together for an upcoming holiday weekend.

And that’s when she realized that both men must have assumed that she was exclusively dating only one person.

Awkward.

She wasn’t ready to make a decision on the two men. And now she was worried that she mishandled the situation by not telling both up front that she was dating other people.

Or did they really need to know?

She met both of them on a dating app. Wasn’t it a given that she would be likely dating multiple people? Did she really need to throw it in their face that she was having dinner with another man the next night?

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The critical question

If you are dating someone and developing legit feelings for them, there comes a point where you need to ask this question:

Are you dating — or talking to — anyone else?

This question has layers that should not be overlooked.

They may not be seeing anyone else, but may be talking to five other people online, getting to know them.

They may not be talking to anyone else, but they still have an active dating app account; perhaps just skimming through the options.

They may be staying in contact with an ex in hope of a reconciliation.

They may like you — really, really like you! — but not feel that you are the most compatible match for them, and therefore, are keeping their options open to stay available for the right person.

And while YOU may think you are perfectly compatible, never assume they feel the same way.

Spending time with someone, seeing their adoring eyes gazing at you over gelato on a romantic Friday night and talking to them a couple times a week isn’t enough to assume you are the only love interest in their life.

They may have no interest in committing to anything more than just having a good time.

But one person always secretly wants more.

Here are a few things to consider if you aren’t sure where you stand. These are all big clues that the other person is likely dating other people.

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#1. Did you meet them on a dating app?

If you met someone on a dating app — or you know they are on one — you can almost guarantee they are looking at, talking to and meeting up with other people.

One boyfriend made it clear that he wanted me exclusively when he told me he wanted me to delete the app we met on. Make it clear that you are both shutting down all activity on the apps or with matchmakers. It’s far too easy to stay on and keep swiping just out of curiosity — you know, just in case.

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#2. If they say they want to take it slow

Many women love hearing this… men, not so much. In some cases, it means, I don’t want to blow this up by rushing into it and having it implode two weeks later.

It can also be that the person is still recovering from their last relationship.

But, it might mean that the person is dating multiple people at once and needs time to figure out which one is the best match. If that’s the case, you probably want to know that before you get too attached.

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#3. You don’t know where you stand

If there is any ambiguity about where you stand, you are not at the front of the line.

When someone is completely committed to you, there is transparency and it extends in all directions. You hear from them in the morning. At night. During the day. They are open about how they feel about you and where you are as a priority in their life. If you have to wonder, it’s a red flag. Committed couples don’t wonder.

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#4. You don’t know where they were

When they say they are having lunch with a friend, you know which friend it is. You know where they spent Friday and Saturday night, how their weekend was and what they did last night.

And you don’t have to ask. They volunteer it. They tell you in advance. They include you in it. There’s no mystery.

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#5. Are your needs incompatible?

The attraction may be intoxicating and magnetic, the chemistry is amazing and there is so much in common!

But he wants to settle down and she does not. He is torn on having kids, and she wants them now.

No big deal. Just know that in those situations, the person who is seeking a specific kind of relationship will always keep an eye out for a better match.

Always.

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Why people don’t ask

If no one is professing their commitment and no one is asking where they stand with the other person… it may be for one one simple reason. They don’t want to give you their answer.

A couple may be in a limbo because no one wants to say, “I like you, but I think I can do better.”

The conversation never happens and someone ends up feeling strung along upon a sad clothesline of hope.

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Here’s the debate

Should you voluntarily disclose that you are dating others? If so, when? Or should we simply assume the other person is playing the field?

Several of us gathered at dinner one night and debated this issue. One person said you should always state it up front, or as soon as another person enters the picture.

Another said there was no reason to mention other people unless things get intimate. But where exactly is that line? No one could agree on that either.

And a third person said she never mentions her dating activity because most people don’t really want to know what you are doing outside of them.

“It’s assumed you aren’t exclusive until someone asks for a commitment,” she argued.

But is it?

Don’t some things — like intimacy — suggest a commitment?

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My take on this

Assume nothing. When you slow things down it gives you time to have these kinds of conversations. We can all get better at having more transparent conversations with each other. And to be fair with others, this is one we need to be having, especially when feelings are involved.

But more importantly, it lets you get honest with yourself about what is important to you, and what kind of person is truly the right match for you.

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I would love to keep this conversation going and hear from you! Please share your thoughts and experience by commenting below!

🙋🏻‍♀️ I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments — chime in!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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