Breakups are a symphony of broken dreams, bittersweet relief, and the lingering, heartbreaking question.
“can we still be friends?”
This is a question asked over tear-stained coffees, discussed raucously in therapy sessions, and sung to sad songs during three o’clock in the morning karaoke sessions.
The solution, like a love song with difficult analogies, is difficult to define.
The Science of Ex-Friendships
Those shamefully deplorable three-pound masters — our brains — seem to be invested in our romantic affairs.
It’s just like Cupid’s arrow. When pleasure centers such as the ventral striatum and the insula are set off, they resemble a disco ball at prom night.
Yet when love goes bad, the amygdala -our permanent panic peddler- stalks onto center stage, releasing a flood of cortisol and anxiety into the system.
This potent emotional brew can be an explosive mixture when it comes to breaking up with friends.
This creates confusion, because after all your ex can spark the same pathways that caused you joy when you first met.
Even a 2015 study from Stony Brook University claims that our brains have trouble distinguishing between romantic and platonic love, so clearly defined boundaries are impossible to clear.
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Psychologically speaking, whether a person chooses to remain friends with his or her former partner is determined by several factors.
Studies show that those with a secure attachment style are more likely to be able to stay friends with an ex.
When people feel solid and secure in their sense of self, they can even make the transformation from romance to friendship without emotional pain.
On the other hand, those whose attachment styles are anxious or avoidant may struggle with this transition.
Those who are anxious may be hoping the friendship will reignite the romance, while those who are avoidant may opt to sever all contact to spare themselves emotional pain.
According to a YouGov poll performed in 2022, 37% of Americans would prefer to remain friends with their ex-partner with whom they split up, while 29% would not.
Otherwise, friends often stayed in contact mainly because they were reliable, trustworthy, or had sentimental value.
The study indicated that many of them continued to stay in touch out of habit.
What’s more, One survey suggested that people who are darker in personality, narcissists — tend to stay friends to take advantage.
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This is the point where I interject my own opinion.
I think staying friends with an ex is a very personal decision.
A lot of reflection and understanding about your boundaries are demanded.
Q: Have you got over the romantic part of the relationship? If they move on with someone else Can you be happy for them?
For me, it is very hard. I cannot stay friends with my ex and it breaks me from moving on.
And, How this friendship will impact your future relationships is something else to think about.
It matters not just how you feel about the friendship, but also how your new partner sees it.
Here, openness and sincere communication are essential.
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Final Thoughts
Q: What do you think, should I stay friends with my ex?
It is messy to answer these questions, but not black and white. There are many factors to consider, such as the nature of your breakup, where you stand right now emotionally, and what type of friendship this is.
You have to listen to yourself and understand your motives.
In Simple words, getting through post-breakup relationships is no easy matter.
If you decide to remain friends with your ex, remember that it’s your emotional life at stake.
Be yourself, and you’ll find a suitable course.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Courtney Clayton on Unsplash
