Side Dude Rules 101

We hear a lot about “side chicks” but not so much about “side dudes.”

Listen up and learn.

Side Dude 101:

She can only meet you during the work week or when she can find a damn good excuse.
Do not call her after 6 pm.
No photos together. EVER.
Forget about holidays and birthdays.
Don’t even ask about Valentine’s Day…
She will delete all your texts. And she won’t remember specifics.
Don’t wait for a reply from her. If she’s not texting you, it’s because she CAN’T.
Do not DM her. EVER.
Weekends are for family.
Don’t catch feelings.
Leave no evidence of her in your car, apartment, or life.
Pretend you are gay if her husband calls.
Shut your mouth. Never tell your friends about “us.”
Don’t say hi if you run into each other in “real” life.
Don’t show up on her door.
No “friend-ing” on social media.
You’ll never meet her family.
Remember, you get all her pent-up passion.
Provide happiness and escape.
Listen and understand her.
Give her everything she can’t get in her marriage.
Be friends first.
Be an amazing lover.
Understand what you signed up for.
Be the breathless “I need to see you again” lover.

When there is so much desire and longing, the cell phone heats up from friction. That’s the side dude’s JOB. He needs to set that body on fire!

Side Dude Never Says:

“I know it’s Sunday, but I gotta see you.”
“I’m bringing you breakfast and I’m waiting outside.”
“I’m passing your house.”
“Hey babe, Happy Sunday.”

“I’m so much better for you than him.”
“I know it’s late but I wanted to tell you good night.”
“Just tell him you need to go to the store.”
“I’ll hide in the bushes.” OH, HELL NO.

The side dude can not hide in the bushes while the husband is home. What kind of crazy is that? He’s a loose cannon at this point. A potential liability rather than a sexy escape.

Nope.

The side dude never pays the real bills — that’s for the partner. Maybe the side dude picks up “fun” expenses like nails, waxing, or sex toys. He doesn’t have to do much except provide a hot and willing cock.

No jealousy from the side dude.

“Where you at? You’re with him, right?”
“You should be with me.”
“I’m your boyfriend, remember!”
“He didn’t try to touch you last night, did he?”

He should never get delusional that he’s going to be with you forever and ever and say, “I can make you happy, baby.”

And the kiss ‘o death: “I just want you.”

Learn the Side Dude Rules 101.

…

Follow me at [email protected] (It’s free motherfucker and I’m worth it)

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Buy me a coffee at ko-fi/monalisasmiled because I’m interestingly evil…

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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