Signs of Codependency

Not all passion is love.

The American Psychological Association (APA) defines codependency, in part, as “the state of being mutually reliant” and “a dysfunctional relationship pattern in which an individual is psychologically dependent on (or controlled by) a person.

In simple words, codependency happens when there is a power imbalance between two people.

SIGNS

Do you need them or want them?

Healthy relationships are based on a foundation of choosing to be with the other person instead of staying with them because you are too scared to be on your own, and you are not sure if you would be able to sustain yourself without them. If your relationship breeds on a foundation of need, and if given a choice, you would want to leave, then you are codependent.

You derive your worth from the relationship.

When you are in a relationship, not necessarily because you like the other person and they treat you well, but because you feel worthy for being picked by someone like them and choose to stay with them even when they do not treat you well, then you are signing up for a codependent relationship.

This is how the thought process goes: you think that this relationship is your gateway to gaining society’s respect and feeling important. Therefore, ending this relationship would rob you of your sense of self-esteem.

Honest and vulnerable communication is absent.

Codependent partners hide their disappointments in love. They expect you to figure all the issues out on your own. They believe that the relationship is not meant to be if they have to explain their needs and desires to you.

This is a destructive mindset for any relationship, and you should run away at the slightest hint of it.

Read this: Why should we not hide our disappointments in love?

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“Codependency is a circular relationship in which one person needs the other person, who, in turn, needs to be needed. The codependent person, known as ‘the giver,’ feels worthless unless they are needed by — and making sacrifices for — the enabler, otherwise known as ‘the taker.’’

— DR. EXELBERG

Valuing other person’s opinions matters more than valuing yourself.

In a codependent relationship, you lose your sense of self. You make decisions based on seeking approval from the other person and respecting their ideals and beliefs, even if that comes at the cost of sacrificing your own. You feel scared to disagree with the other person because you have a fear of abandonment, and you would design your entire life to fit the needs, wants, and desires of the other person without giving the same kind of attention and importance to your own needs, wants, and desires.

You feel responsible for them.

In a codependent relationship, you hold yourself responsible for the other person’s actions. You need to control both of your lives to ensure that the other person does not make any mistakes or stupid decisions. Just like the taker derives their sense of importance by being validated by the other person, the giver derives it by being a parental figure or a guardian figure to the other person.

You feel anxious if you do not hear back from them

If not receiving a quick reply makes you think about the worst possible scenarios and feel overly anxious, you might have become too reliant on the other person for satisfaction.

Do you constantly check your phone for a reply?
Do you constantly check their online status?
Do you find ways to text them throughout the day?

All of these are possible signs of codependency.

Saying No to them makes you feel selfish

In a codependent relationship, you put the relationship before your personal needs. You will sacrifice your interests, hobbies, and passions if you feel the other person could not be a part of them.

You feel a sense of guilt for doing things without them, and you would rather just sit at home, getting bored and doing nothing instead of doing things without them. This involves not meeting your friends and constantly canceling your plans with them to be with the other person.

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Check out my other pieces on relationships and life here: Bhanu Singhal

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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