I was scrolling on Facebook when my best friend tagged me in a post about a trend on Twitter called, Practice Your Love Languages On Yourself.
For those who aren’t familiar with the term ‘Love Languages’ the concept is based on a book by Dr. Gary Chapman, a couples counselor & psychologist.
He shares that there are 5 ways we receive and give love namely:
1. Quality Time
2. Words of affirmation
3. Acts of service
4. Gift Giving
5. Physical touch
None of which ranks higher than the other. Everyone has one that ranks the highest for them. When received, it is the way they feel the most loved by others.
If you’re like most people you probably figured out yours first and thought “Cool”, before immediately jumping into learning that of your partner’s. If you are single, perhaps you’ve theorized what your crush’s love language might be so that you can speak it.
It’s probably never crossed your mind to apply the 5 Love Languages to the person who needs it just as much — if not more, yourself.
In a world where self-deprecating jokes are often seen as ‘funny’ and ‘relatable’, it’s no surprise that most people don’t know where to begin when it comes to loving ourselves.
Nevertheless, we all need to start somewhere. Here are the 5 Love Languages revisited and practical ways to apply them to yourself.
If you’d like to know your love language you can take the official quiz here.
Quality Time
If seeing your partner on their phone while you’re talking to them makes you want to throw their phone into the nearest trash can, then quality time is probably your love language.
When it comes to feeling loved, it’s all about having your loved one’s undivided attention. Regardless of whether that’s during a deep conversation or a shared activity, them being fully in the moment with you is everything.
It goes beyond just being in the same room together. Active listening and them making time to spend with you are all key to you feeling loved.
How to apply this to yourself:
This love language is made up of 2 core ingredients, full presence & feeling heard.
A great way to feel fully present in yourself is by practicing mindfulness through meditation or yoga.
A few basic tips to practice mindfulness during yoga:
- Just as you wouldn’t want your partner distracted, remove all possible distractions from yourself like by silencing your phone.
- Focus on feeling your breath go into your body grounding you in the moment of your current stretch or position.
- Observe the thoughts as you go through each pose without judgment.
If you know a couple basic yoga poses you can even combine meditation with yoga by going through the poses slower and by holding each pose for an extended amount of time.
Now if you the thought of yoga makes you want to stay in bed or if closing your eyes to meditate is a one-way ticket to sleeping, my personal favorite way to practice feeling heard, is through journaling.
To feel like you’re really ‘hearing yourself’, the key is to not hold back and express yourself without a filter.
If you don’t know how to start, you can pretend like you’re sharing thoughts and feelings to a best friend who is ready to listen to you without judgment.
Words of Affirmation
You don’t want to assume or guess how much people love you, you need to hear it.
Unexpected praise can make you truly feel seen. If this is your love language the ‘more words the merrier’ is your motto when people express their love for you.
Verbal praises don’t need to reach Shakespearean levels. The simplest of compliments, as long as they’re honest, can be just as effective. Hearing how much someone loves and appreciates you is ‘music to your ears’.
How to apply this to yourself:
When you accomplish something don’t wait for the praise of others as permission to feel good about yourself. Give yourself that well deserved praise right then and there!
This applies to smaller wins too. Small wins after all add up to the big wins, so slowly get into the habit of telling yourself little phrases like,
- “Great job!”
- “You’re doing really well!”
- “I’m proud of how far you’ve come.”
Take moments to praise yourself for how fantastic of a friend you are or how great of a partner you are.
When it comes to your physical appearance, take baby steps in acknowledging your beauty. This can be tough especially when we’re our harshest critiques, but I’m sure you can find a couple of features you like.
It can be the smallest things like maybe today you like how your hair looks. You could praise how cute your dimples are. Perhaps you can compliment the warmth and kindness behind your eyes.
If you look hard enough, there’s always something worth admiring. When you find it, focus and vocally acknowledge that beautifully unique feature that makes you, you.
Acts of Service
“Actions speak louder than words.” is the welcoming mat to your heart.
For others, tasks like picking up the laundry or running an errand without being asked may seem insignificant, but for you it shows that you are being seen and cared for.
This love language isn’t about having your own personal servant. More than that it’s about having someone who intentionally tries to make your life easier by helping out in whatever way that meets your need.
You’re likely the type who can get most things done by yourself so when you truly need help with something, and someone is able to take that weight off your shoulders, it means to world to you. That alongside the thought, time, and effort of the act makes it all the more special.
How to apply this to yourself:
As Jessicah Pierre suggested, this is a time to give yourself that well-deserved break.
Unwind and know that your world will be just fine without for even if just for a little while. Learn to let go and practice having faith that as you relax, all will take care of itself in the meantime.
If you want to do something for yourself, do a task that will make the rest of your day or week easier.
Try organizing your desk if you know this will create a clear mental space for when you work later. Pick out an important outfit in advance so that your future self will thank you when they don’t need to rush.
You can even look into automating some of your monthly payments so that that’s one less thing to think about in your busy productive life.
Remember that you’re not meant to do everything all of the time. You’re only human and it’s okay and beneficial to take a break every once and a while.
Gift Giving
Contrair to popular belief this isn’t about your significant other buying you your dream car. (Though that would be nice too). But it’s about the thoughtfulness, love, and effort behind the gift rather than the price tag.
A thoughtful gift communicates to you that your partner really knows you. A gift from a loved one is special, because it means that they thought of you even when you two were apart.
When your partner surprises you with a gift ‘just because’, it melts your heart like nothing else.
How to apply this to yourself:
Have you been working hard lately and there’s an item or meal that’s been on your mind for the longest time? Then take this as a sign to door dash that delicious meal or order that item.
Treat yourself and when what you’ve ordered arrives feel how good it is to have it, because you do deserve nice things!
Even if you’ve been relaxed lately, buy yourself something that’s been on your mind for months anyway, ‘just because’ you deserve it.
Is there an item that could help you feel good in general, like maybe flowers in your home or scented candles while you work?
If you want to go the extra mile, place an order for something that won’t arrive for at least a couple weeks or several months from now. Let it be a little surprise gift from your extra loving self that knows you deserve the best ‘just cause’.
Physical Touch
Now when this is your love language it’s not all that ‘fun activity at night’.
Yes intimacy is important, but there are countless ways to initiate physical touch, everything from cuddling to hand-holding to long hugs.
Simpler forms too, can make you feel just as special like when your partner holds your hand during conversation. You’re not big on having “personal space” with your loved one when this is your love language.
Any physical connection gives you a sense of warmth and a deep connection with your partner. It gives you a sense of reassurance and safety in their love for you.
How to apply this to yourself:
Now no need to book yourself a professional massage just yet. Here are a few effective ways to give yourself a loving touch today:
- Treat yourself to morning or evening routine where you indulge by taking your time caring for your body. Instead of lathering lotion without much thought, practice mindfulness and treat it like a ritual, nourishing your home that is your body
- When you’ve made a ‘small win’ don’t immediately move on to your next task. Take a moment to acknowledge the great job you’re doing by squeezing your shoulder warmly or giving yourself a little pat.
- Learn to give yourself an easy massage as a way to pamper yourself at the end of the day. Do this in loving appreciation towards yourself for a day well done and in preparation for some well-deserved sleep.
- It’s been compared to receiving a hug when you use a weighted blanket, so get yourself one if you’ve been curious. Symbolically assign it as your ‘self-love’ blanket.
- Last but not least ‘making love to yourself’ is also a fantastic way to feel connected with yourself. Not to mention that the flood of relaxation that comes afterwards may just put you straight to sleep.
Final Thoughts
When it comes to the lengths that most of us would go to make our significant other feel loved, many of us deserve an A+. If we go the extra mile to speak their particular love language, that’s a very beautiful thing.
But as we continue to love those dearest to us, let’s not forget to fill our own cups. Let’s not forget to water our own grass and take care of our own garden.
Knowing our Love Language isn’t just some “fun fact”. It’s an important piece of information that we can use to love ourselves in the way we deserve.
If you intentionally take the time to plan out dates, anniversaries, and thoughtful gestures for your loved one, please remember to do the same for yourself.
Regardless of your chosen activity, honor time in your schedule towards self-love even if it’s just for 10 minutes or a total of an hour or 2 a week.
Remember, you deserve the love you’ve always wanted to receive not just from others, but from yourself too.
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: by Alina Vilchenko from Pexels