The author was single once upon a time, and survived it. And wrote about it. Here, he revisits his misadventures with alcohol and mobile phones.
I’m a Drunk Texter. I’m a champion drunk texter. Why? Well, I’m a writer, so I’m pretty decent with words. And secondly, I have a healthy love of women. And beer. So it all comes together on a Saturday night between my swigs of Blue Moon and my checking my phone. I admit it: the urge to reach out and touch someone (hopefully the texting gets me to that point) while drinking is overpowering.
In fact, I’d bet for all single men it’s the same way. If you want a confession about anything from a guy, you don’t need sodium pentothal to get it from him. All you need is an iPhone and a Budweiser. Jack Bauer from 24 would have given up every American secret to the Chinese if they gave him a Droid and rum and Coke. Despite the fact that men have evolved considerably in communication in the last 20 plus years, we still will never give as much of ourselves as women. That’s why when we (single men) drink a few, and grab our phones, we turn into Nicholas Sparks.
Funny thing is, different drinks make for different drunk texts. As Examiner.com’s Single Men writer, I feel it’s my duty to let the public know about the different kinds of drunk texts. Below is a description of the different drunk-texts, and what causes them. You could consider the list as lighthearted fun, or an actual guide (single women especially). But know this…I have expertise in all of these texts. How thorough? That’s for later.
Now, on to the list…
The What Are You Wearing Drunk Text :
(Causes: heightened libido, vodka, and/or gin.) This is the drunk text single men send out when they want to get their “Austin Powers” on . I mean sex. The crazy part is, the man may not even mean to send a woman (or women) a sexually charged text in the first place. His brain may have wanted to say “How have you been? How’s nursing school going?” But somewhere between his brain-stem and his fingers, due to cranberry and vodka or gin and juice, the text gets all Barry White. Women, please don’t get offended if/when you get this text. No matter how sophisticated the man may be who sent it, after a few strong drinks and hip-hop playing in the background, a man is going to send a woman he’s digging one of these texts. If you get a sweater wearing, college professor enough hard liquor into him, he’ll text like he’s Usher.
The Are You Sitting Down Drunk Text :
(Causes: heightened bravery, brown liquor, Hennessy, E&J.) This is the drunk text you could file under “the brace yourself” category. When single men drink any kind of brandy-like liquor, anything goes. He may send a woman a stunningly beautiful confession of his love for her, or he may ask if her sister is single. Single men and Hennessy is a shot of the dice when it comes to drunk texting. A man could either be Babyface or Richard Pryor. As a matter of fact, this kind of texting extends to other guys, too (not in a romantic sense, but more of a “don’t‘ you owe me money?” kind of thing). Dark alcohol and a EVO can either bring people together, or lead to lengthy prison stays.
The Did You Know I Think You’re Hot Drunk-Text:
(Causes: crushes, guilt, beer…and beer) As far as drunk texting goes, this is the type that’s the least harmful to an ego, a friendship, or a reputation. Beer and single men go together like women and The Lifetime Channel. All four items need each other to survive. Beer’s effect on (most) single men is confessional, but it’s mostly harmless. Ladies, if you get this drunk-text, be prepared to know that A: It’s probably coming from a coworker that you don’t even think about who really likes you, and B: If it is a single man you know, he may also be apologizing for a slight that’s not even a big deal, but the beer has him thinking otherwise. Drunk-texts of this variety more than likely won’t be sexual in nature. But they probably will be “lovey-dovey.” Or, if the single guy is apologizing for something, he will probably ask for a hug.
As far as my experience at drunk texting? I’ve done all three in one night.
This article originally appeared at Examiner.com.