One guy at college led me on for months — made me think that he wanted a real relationship with me.
Almost a year later, nothing changed between us. I don’t even like calling it a relationship because it’s technically not.
I could argue all day that we have strong chemistry there but the fact remains that I was nothing but his backup plan.
I desperately wanted to believe that I was special. Little did I know, the guy cookie-jarred me.
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Why do we need to talk about this cookie-jarring dating term?
“Cookie-jarring is where you find yourself being left on the shelf as an option instead of the main choice.” — virgin radio
Treating someone you claim you like as a second option isn’t a new behavior at all.
But with the rising popularity of online dating, many people think it’s normal to keep several options and string them all along.
Not because they’re not sure who to pick, no.
It’s for the sake of having fun. Some people want to feel wanted and admired. Knowing that they always have options makes them feel less insecure.
How sad.
I like to believe that these people who cookie-jarring others online have a low self-esteem issue. Imagine leading someone (or worse, some people) into believing that you fully commit to them.
There’s a joy that these people like to get from knowing they can always choose the best one.
They like to take their time in making a relationship become official official. They might tell you that they aren’t in a rush in being in one.
Same old bullsh*ts such as:
“I’m still working on my dreams”
“I need to take my time because I have commitment issues”
“I don’t know if a relationship is what I need right now”
But then they also act like you’re their lover. Like, the main lover.
They bring you flowers. They kiss you on the forehead. They ask what your future plans look like. They tell you that you’re going to be a good mother.
Years go by and they’re still where they were a year ago: not sure “what to do” with you and the relationship.
…
Is walking away always the answer?
How are you going to let them go if every time you try, they keep convincing you that “this time would be different”?
It’s a lot harder to let go of something that you desperately want. That’s why people are stuck in a situationship for years.
Not because they don’t know it’s bad for them.
They’re aware being in such a situation makes them depressed and sad as heck. Yet they also know getting out of it will take months or even years.
I used to feel lots of anger whenever I heard stories about people being the second option. Not only I’ve experienced it in the past but also,
How could someone do such a thing?!
If you can’t commit 100%, then let the person go — as simple as that.
However, the way I see things changes as I’m getting older. There are so many things in life that aren’t black and white. Not even grey.
Especially in dating nowadays. People are scared to they won’t find someone new who can love them the same if they let this person go — knowing fully he/she is bad for them.
So they settle as being the second option (or third) and hope someday this person will change their mind and come back to their arms.
It’s easy to feel like you’re stuck when facing this situation. But you aren’t. I can assure you that.
One of my best grandma’s advice about love is that when your heart is broken or you don’t get what you think you deserve, you are allowed to take your time to process everything.
Are you going to walk away and find someone new?
Or
Are you going to try harder to win this person’s heart?
You have the options and you need to decide which one to take at your own pace.
…
My letter to those who like to lead people on
Please stop.
Or at least admit that you’re indeed in limbo in choosing which one is “best” and own your mistake.
The last thing you want to do is hurt them more by justifying your action. Sure, you’re indecisive but does that mean you should keep someone waiting on you?
Love them the same but also set them free. Make it clear that you’re not in the right place to be committed to one person and it has nothing to do with whether they’re enough or not.
It’s you — not them.
Put yourself in their shoes of how much pain they endure from seeing you explore the other option.
Stop telling them that they’re special because the fact that you go out of your way to seek new connections proves that they don’t mean that much to you.
We all want to think about what’s best for ourselves — it’s human nature.
But if your definition of self-love is hurting other people and leaving them in the dark then maybe you got it all wrong.
So keep the door closed or let them go.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Tijana Drndarski on Unsplash