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Depending on how you were raised, taking a paternity leave might sound like a ridiculous idea. The beliefs and family structure stereotypes are focused on fathers who work and mothers who stay at home and take care of the children. That doesn’t necessarily apply in today’s modern society, where roles are often reversed or shared.
We didn’t plan having a baby. Though, like it happens sometimes, we were not to choose but to be chosen. At that time I was working my way up the career ladder and had already gotten two promotions with a team I adored; there was no space for time off, and my husband took six months off of his career. He spent this time focused on our child as a father, and guess what? It didn’t make him any less of a man.
Here is what we both have learnt during this time:
Being a father first
Expectations and plans can often go sideways once a child comes into this world. You simply can’t prepare for the feeling of having a small boy or a girl that you made with your wife come into your life and ask for a little bit of attention.
This experience changes the majority of “manly” expectations you might have had before the child, since parenting is a two-person job. Your career development and professional experience needs to take a backseat at least for a couple of months, until your small one is not as reliant on your constant attention.
Preparing a family fund
Pregnancies usually take nine months to develop and most people plan on having children much longer down the road than that. This allows you to develop a family fund with your wife and put some money on the side for the baby. Keep in mind that expenses will skyrocket in the first couple of months because of all the diapers, medical and related expenses, and clothes shopping coming your way.
It will also be a good idea to put money on the side because of your paternity leave and the fact that your income will be cut short for a little bit. You can still get some work done through online writing websites and help your family informally while taking care of the child. It’s always a good idea to do something with your time while your wife is working and your only company is your baby boy or girl.
Learning as you go
Thinking that you are prepared to have a child is very brash and reckless – no one can prepare you for bringing life into this world. Both you and your wife will learn a lot of what it means to be a parent as you go, often making mistakes you won’t be proud of.
However, it’s important to keep an open mind about anything you lack experience in (like feeding a toddler or changing diapers) because it’s all completely natural. At some point, we have all started as dependents and gotten to where we are now by having someone else take care of us.
Take help where you can get it and ignore people who tell you that you should be at work as a father instead of being at home looking after your child. If your wife does make more money than you and has more flexible employment, then why wouldn’t you two take advantage of that? Pay as much attention to the baby as you can and learn as you go, step by step.
Communicating your situation
Depending on the type of employment you have, your boss might want to know why your wife is working while you need time off instead. These questions may well pop up with your colleagues and friends as well. People like to pry where they shouldn’t, because being on a paternity leave “is not normal.”
Normal is just a subjective worldview that someone else is trying to put on you. Normal is whatever you and your family makes it to be, and if your wife is happy with you being at home taking care of your child, then who cares? Learn how to effectively communicate your situation both to your friends and to your executives. Be as polite and diplomatic as possible without justifying yourself to anyone.
If paternity leave is legally possible in your firm and you have fulfilled every criterion, your boss won’t have any choice but to indulge in your wishes. The same rule applies for your friends who are leaned towards patriarchy and stay-at-home wives. If you have decided to treat your wife as an equal partner and a mutual parent, then don’t pay attention to casual bickering.
Finding pastimes at home
You might not be used to spending so much time at home as someone who has been working full-time until now. While your toddler is asleep, playing casually or watching a cartoon, you will have precious moments to rest or do something for yourself:
- Preparing food for yourself, your wife and your toddler is an important part of the daily routine. Just because you are at home doesn’t mean you are off the hook from feeding the family.
- Doing the dishes or simply tidying up the apartment is always a good idea if you have a toddler around. They can make any room into a mess in a matter of minutes.
- Napping with one eye open while your child is taking an afternoon break is a great idea that can help you get through the rest of the day.
- Freelancing online in order to help your family in a small way with extra money is always a good idea. You might like it so much that you might consider freelance work full time.
- Keeping touch with work and what is going on in your absence is very important if you plan on going back to that company after your paternity leave. It will also give your executives an indication that you are on a leave because of your child, not because you are bored or lazy.
Final summary
Being a father on paternity leave is a very noble endeavor with an unfortunate negative connotation in society. The truth is that only other parents will understand your reasoning and encourage you to do whatever you think is best.
Casual bystanders and coworkers will critique your decision because “it’s the mother’s duty” to stay at home – it is not. Just like a mother is not a sole parent of a child, a leave is also possible in both parents’ cases and should be considered seriously.
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Photo credit: Getty Images