Six Places To Teach Your Kids How To Drive

I’ve had to teach three kids how to drive, with one more yet to learn. Luckily, that day is still about two years away, so hopefully, that gives my nerves enough time to calm down from the last one.

If you have been given the thankless task of teaching your child how to drive, here are some suggestions that will get the job done with minimal impact on your mental and physical well-being.

…

A Cemetery

Cemeteries are a great choice for several reasons:

There are lots of roads through a cemetery. This gives them a calm place to acclimate to the car’s acceleration and stopping behavior while allowing you to practice your primal scream therapy
If there are people in the cemetery, your child can practice pedestrian avoidance while also finding out what it’s like to be yelled at by old people who think you’re driving too fast.
They can get their teenage angst out by plowing over headstones.
If something bad happens, you don’t have far to go.

…

Vacant Parking Lots

Vacant parking lots are fantastic for, obviously, parking practice. They are also great for bad-weather driving practice, where you can show your child how easy it is to die when they hit a small puddle.

Vacant parking lots are also great for consoling your child who no longer wants to drive because they’ve crashed into 87 invisible parked cars and accidentally did a donut while slipping on a patch of ice.

BONUS: If the vacant parking lot is your workplace, security cameras showing your car will give the illusion that you work on weekends. If you get a promotion, you can now have your butler teach your kid how to drive.

Your Neighborhood

Simply driving through your neighborhood will give your child the experience he needs with stop signs, turn signals, and yielding to oncoming traffic. This may cause confusion because he’s been watching your driving and you don’t do any of that, so this will be a good lesson of “Do as I say, not as I do.”

Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free

Plus, this will all probably be on the test.

…

The DMV or Driving Test Site

My town starts and ends its driving tests at the DMV. Find out where your town or municipality does the driving portion of the tests, and practice there.

This gives your child familiarity with exiting and entering the test site and parking. Get familiar with the neighborhoods and streets surrounding the site.

Also, as a parent in the passenger seat, try to play the role of the person giving the test. Hold a clipboard and mumble things like, “Take a right,” “Hm,” and use your pen to angrily mark big Xs on the paper. This will teach your child how to deal with stress while driving a 2-ton piece of metal.

…

The Highway

Just kidding. Don’t do this. It is terrifying. Leave the highway crap to the driving school that you’re paying $800 to. There isn’t enough Xanax in the world to recover from a teen trying to merge onto a highway.

If you must practice on the highway, don’t do it during rush hour. I once took my child on the highway during rush hour and by the time we got home, I had aged 43 years.

However, driving on the highway will give them the experience they need to drive at excessive speeds. This skill will come in handy when they realize they left the house without their phone.

…

Shopping Malls or Plazas

Once your child gets some good experience under his belt, and you feel that they can be around other moving vehicles without completely causing your heart failure, hit the shopping mall.

Shopping malls will allow your child to practice parking when other vehicles are occupying spots. This will also give him the experience he needs to exchange information with other people when he mashes into their car.

Also, most shopping malls have liquor stores. Thus, these are fantastic places to show your child what it will be like once he gets his license and becomes your designated driver.

…

My state has a requirement where a teen can’t apply for a license test unless he’s completed a driving course, had 10 hours of instructor-led driving and 40-hours of parent-led driving.

You read that right.

My state requires that I spend four times longer in the car with my kid than the driving instructor. It’s like the DMV has no regard for my mental health.

We also have state-sponsored liquor stores, so I guess this all makes sense.

The above places are a good place to start, though, if you’re the one who has been given the 7th-Circle-of-Hell job of driving instruction for your teen. Good luck, godspeed, and don’t forget the 10% liquor store coupon on the counter before you head out.

You’re gonna need it.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***