If you are a regular around here you will remember that in my last post I mentioned that I was recently pleasantly surprised by a resumption of my daughter and I’s Wednesday afternoon visits to our local park. It started as practice for her basketball tryouts, escalated to ice cream cones and conversation on the swings and eventually led to her renewing her interest in cruising around the skate park. It hasn’t been quite as warm on our last few visits but we’ve been trying to take advantage of whatever is left of this autumn and I’ve been trying to find that balance between pride at how quickly she has rediscovered her courage and anxiety about imagined upcoming visits to orthopedists.
I’ve always been impressed and surprised by how the older kids have treated her, both at our local park and others that we have travelled to. I was never a skateboarder or spent much time around that community so I was nervous about how this little girl that was often in the way would be treated. It made my heart happy at how accepting they often were and how far out of the way they would often go to try and make her feel comfortable and welcomed.
I’m not sure if it’s because she’s no longer little or because maybe she no longer is quite as easily identified as a girl but our last few visits have left me not as happy. They’ve left me pissed off and not sure if I’m doing the right thing by not letting some of these little shit heads know how pissed off I am.
I don’t know how obvious it is from that picture but my kid has short hair and prefers to wear baggy black pants paired with a baggy black hoodie. When dropping her off to 4-H Camp this past summer I had to correct the welcoming committee on which area we should be directed to and multiple waitresses and waiters have referred to he as ‘buddy” when we are out for wings or pizza. She doesn’t talk about it much and I don’t think it really bothers her but there have been kids at school that give her a hard time for looking like a boy.
I’m certainly not saying that she asks for it or that it’s OK, but if you dress a certain way there are things you are going to hear. It’s true whether you are a prep, a jock or whatever other the current Breakfast Club denominations are. I was a geek. I got picked on by everybody.
Thick skin is necessary for middle school, probably even more so than high school, and it seems like for the most part she has it. It was both surprising and disappointing and then infuriating when it became clear that she wasn’t comfortable going back because of how she’s been treated on our last few visits. I try to pay attention and be supportive but inevitably she’s doing the same things over and over again and I get distracted by my phone. As long as she isn’t injured there is no reason to pay 100% attention so I missed the fact that there were a group of older kids that were calling her names.
That were calling her “faggot.”
In this house we believe that Love is Love and that everyone should be treated equally. She feels very strongly about the importance of supporting the LGBQT community. Of all the slurs that could be thrown her way, this is one that stung a little bit more.
I did what I guess I was supposed to do and talked about how people are jerks and it’s best to just ignore them. I told her that if you try to argue with fools the only real fool is yourself. I’m pretty sure that I was trying to convince myself not to turn the truck around more than I was trying to impart any life lessons.
It’s not going to be the last time this happens and I’m not sure where the line is between standing up for yourself and deciding that people just aren’t worth the trouble. I don’t want her bullied but also don’t want her to spend her life worried about what other people say and constantly fighting. I don’t want her to punch the next little shit at school that calls her a dyke but if she does, I’ll be honest, she might not be in trouble at home.
I don’t know how to parent this and I’m guessing that it’s not going to get any easier anytime soon. I’ll just tell her that people suck and that the only person who’s opinion matters is her own. I’ll encourage her to be herself.
I just wish that so many people didn’t suck.
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Previously published on Thirsty Daddy and is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
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