There are a lot of good men out there who are trying really hard to spread the word that tackling sexism and violence against women is everyone’s responsibility.
There are also a lot of men who, I believe, are genuinely trying to get on board. Unfortunately, sometimes when they join in, they default to the old ways anyway.
For example, in a thread recently, I pointed out that men claiming they ‘can’t help themselves’ or that women need to cover up if they want to stay safe, insult all men by insinuating they’re too weak to resist. Instead of the men on the thread saying “Yup, you’re right”, or at least building on my comment, quite a few simply repackaged it, posting as if they’d come up with something new. And that’s not the first time. Usually, the repetition is so blatant, I have to go back to my original comment and re-read it. Yes, they really did make the exact same point.
A more serious version of this is the work meeting, where a woman’s idea is ignored until it’s restated by a man. It’s so commonplace that some women admit to feeding their ideas to male colleagues in an attempt to have them considered. It even has not one, but several names, including — “Hepeating” (first mentioned on Twitter by Professor Nicole Gugliucci) and “Bropropriation” and “Himitation” (accredited to author Jessica Bennet, former columnist at Time).
Does it really matter? Yes. Yes it does. Whether or not men do it to show support or to take the credit, both have the effect of diminishing us. A 2019 study showed that for managerial positions, male job candidates are judged more on their potential, while females are evaluated based on past performance. According to the study’s authors this has a huge impact on women —
If higher potential among women is not recognized, women may find they are trapped in particular silos (such as administration or human resources), and are at a disadvantage when it comes to more overarching roles and positions.
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If women’s ideas are snatched from under our noses and executed as someone else’s project, how on earth are we to demonstrate suitability for promotion? (I mean, obviously we need to fix the bigger problem of there being different promotion criteria for men and women, but in the mean time, women have to at least have a chance in the existing system.)
It even matters in social settings because it sets the tone for everything else. If men are used to getting away with Hepeating and idea theft (perhaps stealing jokes), what’s to stop them doing it at work? When we have a culture of listening to men over women, it doesn’t evaporate when we clock in. When men don’t even jokingly flag what’s going on, the culprits continue to Hepeat and round and round we go.
So — whether it’s on social media or in the workplace, let’s try to up the allyship and give credit where credit’s due.
Be part of the solution even if you don’t think you’re part of the problem. As with all discrimination, just because you’re not prone to it yourself, doesn’t mean you’re off the hook. We’ve seen that women can’t defeat sexism alone, and men who get what we’re dealing with are our first recourse.
A lot of men fall back on the #NotAllMen argument as proof of their ‘innocence’. “I’m not like that; I would never do that.” However, a 2019 survey concluded from its findings that-
“Most men want to be allies for gender equality, and many think they already
are — but women aren’t convinced. It’s time for men to close this “allyship
gap” and move from intention to thoughtful action.”
Listen to the women. To prevent men stealing a woman’s ideas in the first place, make sure she’s being heard. Often when an idea gets repeated or repackaged successfully, it’s because it wasn’t acknowledged by anyone initially. An ally will register that a woman is trying to contribute and he’ll make sure she gets that chance. Better still, if he notices a woman not saying much, he’ll ask for her opinion.
Be on the alert. As this 2021 Harvard Business Review article points out,
Although most men notionally support more gender inclusion and equity, there is clear research that men often are challenged at recognizing gender discrimination and harassment in real time. … Lack of awareness can keep even well-intentioned men on the sidelines, rather than serving as effective advocates and accomplices for change.
A lot of men don’t even realise Hepeating’s happening, so we need you to make a concerted effort to listen out for it. Hey, I understand — if you’ve never been on the receiving end of idea theft you won’t be as attuned to it. It’s a micro-aggression, therefore easy to miss when you’re not the target, but it has huge repercussions for women. The good news is it’s pretty easy to deal with.
Praise the idea (if it’s good) but give the credit to the woman. Otherwise known as ‘amplifying’, you can do this with as little or as much of a dig to the Hepeater as you want. A few simple options are –
- “Yes, that’s what Lucy’s saying. Can you tell us a bit more about it Lucy?” This not only credits her, but directs attention back to her.
- “Excellent point. (Pivot) Can you repeat what you were saying Lucy, I didn’t hear the end of it.”
- “I think that’s what Lucy was saying but it seems to have been lost in the chatter. Lucy …”
- “How is that different from Lucy’s proposal?” (If you want to put him on the spot.)
Do something at the time. Guys, I have to tell you that texting us after the fact is about as much use as a plastic teapot. Other than perhaps letting us know we weren’t imagining things, it’s of limited value on the practical or the emotional level. Sympathizing that it wasn’t fair that Jake got the fist-bumps for our idea, doesn’t make you an ally. Silence is complicity and unless you do something in the moment, it makes you part of the problem and makes the whole thing even shittier for us. Imagine knowing that someone else saw what happened and chose to do nothing about it?
Yes, it might be awkward to call out a friend or colleague, particularly if it’s someone higher up the ladder, but no one said standing up to sexism was easy. There’s a reason why women often let incidents slide; we learn to weigh up whether the inevitable backlash will be worth it, as well as who might have our back. The Profundo survey cited above found that almost fifty percent of both men and women said men who support women’s leadership often face a lot of criticism. It’s risky.
If you’re tempted to Hepeat to show you agree, make sure you acknowledge that it’s not your idea. Tacking “100%”, “Great point” or just “I agree” on the front of your comment is all that’s needed. It clearly demonstrates your support and keeps the focus on the woman who came up with the idea.
Publicly declaring yourself an ally is great; the more men who do so, the more we’ll see jumping on board. What’s even greater though, is when your actions speak louder than your words.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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Escape the Act Like a Man Box | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men | Why I Don’t Want to Talk About Race | The First Myth of the Patriarchy: The Acorn on the Pillow |
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