Some Folks Refer to Their Age Constantly, While Some Never Mention It

I attended a garden party of neighbors last evening, gathered around a large patio table, swapping true-life tales and lies.

The hostess, who is around my age, was agog and disbelieving that I was considering learning pole dancing. I’m offended.

“What?? You’ll break a hip, Carol! Weren’t two broken ankles enough?”

Granted, she helped take care of me when I broke both ankles, so maybe she was looking out for herself when she discouraged my learning to pole dance.

The demographic at this party skewed older. Until one person arrived with his teenager, the youngest was 52. She’s hilarious and usually entertains us with her sharp sense of humor.

Last night, though, she was on one of the slippery slopes leading away from congenial, relaxing conversation. She went on about terrible news stories and then health issues.

I’m a therapist, and have difficulty with those topics, as my work days are full of distressing and often depressing stories and situations. I prefer my downtime to be light.

The others jumped in on discussing medical issues.

Granted, as we age, this topic comes up as more of us are encountering medical issues that can show up in later life. Sometimes, these can even be joked about. Things such as incontinence, and uncontrollable farting, for instance. But the talk inevitably veers toward the more serious ailments.

I can participate in that for a while, and I did.

However, in the discussion of every topic, one woman reminded us she was 75 years old. Much of the time, I couldn’t tell why her age was relevant to the story.

She wasn’t saying it in a negative sense. There was a feeling of pride in making it to that age. Which tracks because she’s suffered from an autoimmune disease for years. I understand being proud of getting to a certain age.

She also just bought a house, which is something I’m working on, so it’s not like she’s an older person who’s decided to give up.

As for the comments from the hostess about her fears for me learning to pole dance, she may have a point. I’ll fall on my ass a lot if I do that, and I won’t be able to wear the 7-inch high heels — or even 2-inch ones — but so what? I’ll be building muscle and having fun.

She reacted as many people do when I say I’m returning to martial arts.

“Aren’t you afraid you’ll break a hip? Won’t you get hurt?”

Never mind that I studied Aikido until I was sixty. And why is it always about a broken hip? Nobody ever says, “You could break your neck.”

Why do so many people fear the things we’ve done or want to do as we age? Possibly, I’m just reckless, but I think the fear phenomenon is more than that.

Another friend of mine brings up not just her age but mine. Frequently. Seldom with a reason I can discern. Sometimes makes fun of my dreams and plans, like the woman at the garden party who scoffed at my idea of learning pole dancing.

She is one who laughs at my belief that with 20 years of Aikido martial arts training and teaching, I still believe I can protect myself.

“But Carol, you have to remember you’re __.”

I don’t need to remember. She keeps reminding me.

Plus, every doctor visit, prescription pick-up, or treatment experience reminds me by constantly asking for my birthdate. I know why they do it, and I’ve learned to rattle it off without joking or even thinking about it. Still.

I don’t know why my friend is so fixated on her age and mine. She’s the youngest of her siblings, so maybe she always wanted to be older.

Maybe the first woman at the party really is just bragging about making it to 75 with limited mobility, while otherwise looking ten years younger than her biological age.

Fear plays a factor for many

They’ve watched their parents deteriorate in old age. I saw my great-grandmother die after breaking her hip, so I do understand the broken hip fears. Many older people have also bought into Western medicine’s fallacy of treating instead of preventing.

The reasons I don’t think about my age enough to bring it up align with the best advice for aging adults:

“Having friends of different ages can do more than stave off loneliness; it can help us learn new skills and make us more open-minded.” I have friends of all ages. I’m going hiking tomorrow with a guy friend my son’s age. Three of my closest female friends could be my daughters. I’m drawn to creative, interesting people of any age, and they are to me.
Nutrition and prevention have me feeling better now than I did when younger. I know I’m lucky, but I also live a healthy lifestyle. In my twenties, I was hypoglycemic, often fatigued and shaky. In my thirties, I had back pain from stress before I started training in Aikido. I’m healthier now than I was then.
Studies indicate lifelong learning compensates for cognitive decline that may accompany aging. I have an active mind. And why shouldn’t I? Why should aging stop someone from being curious and being a lifelong learner? It’s been a part of who I am always, so I can’t imagine not being that person.
I work on continuing to grow emotionally. When I need to go back to counseling, I do. I practice the things I teach my clients as a therapist — mindfulness, affirmative talk to counter negative inner talk, and re-parenting my inner child on a regular basis.
The CDC says “As an older adult…exercise can prevent or delay many of the health problems that seem to come with age.” I do as much physical activity as I can fit in. Salsa dancing — last year for a week in Cuba — swing and country dancing, weight lifting, walking. I’m getting closer to my fitness level before COVID, a knee injury, and the two broken ankles I had within the last six years.
I read younger writers on Medium. I read books by younger authors. I listen to my son’s ideas, dreams, experiences, and views of the world, and those of my Millennial and Gen Z clients. Often, I agree with them.
I go out. A lot. “A 1996 study of more than 12,000 people in Sweden found that attending cultural events correlated with increased survival, while people who rarely attended cultural events had a higher risk of mortality.” A review of studies (a good summary here) affirms that people who participate in social activities of all kinds are linked with living longer, healthier, and happier lives.

Some people aren’t as fortunate with health.

So far, I don’t have debilitating long-term illnesses. I have a few genetic markers. The privilege of education and the ability to read effortlessly is mine. Others struggle with more. The folks I worry about are those who are also fortunate but live in fear and adopt the stereotypes of old age.

When I hurt my knee and then broke both ankles at the same time, I certainly felt both older and more hopeless. I understood then why some older people feel like giving up and dying. Physical limitations bring us down to earth more quickly than anything.

Attitude, movement, and mindfulness keep us young, though

When the Peace Pilgrim was asked how old she was, her response was,

“I have reached sufficient years to do what I want to do.”

What she wanted to do was become Peace Pilgrim and walk the United States for peace continually for 30 years before she died. Which was in an accident on her journey when she was only 73.

She vowed to,

“remain a wanderer until mankind has learned the way of peace, walking until given shelter and fasting until given food.”

I met her when she was in her sixties, walking through my hometown in Texas on her way to California. She was more than peaceful. She was radiant, both in health and spirit. And she was brave. She inspired me personally as she inspired everyone who met her.

If the Peace Pilgrim could walk for peace for 30 years, we can do whatever we want to do, given we have the health to do so.

Whether that’s learning pole dancing, or practicing a martial art, running a Bed and Breakfast, or running a marathon. We can do it with our heads in the clouds and our feet on the ground.

Dont let anyone tell you you’re too old to do something

And if you want, when asked your age, you can borrow Peace Pilgrim’s words,

“I have lived sufficient years to do what I want.”

. . .

What is it you want to do regardless of age?

I’ll be pursuing a lifelong dream October 25–27 at the Omega Institute, where I’ll be speaking on “The Psychology of Writing — Getting to Flow.”Click the link for information on how you can attend.

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This post was previously published on Middle-Pause.

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