Some Men Don’t Just Hate Women. They Hate People.

Some men end up hating women because of the bitterness they feel from the difficulties of dating. Some men end up hating people overall because of the bitterness they feel from the difficulties of socializing.

Sometimes, these two issues aren’t as separate as you might think.

As a men’s dating coach, I’ve seen a lot of men who say they’re lonely, but they’re not interested in making new friends.

I often preach that, in order to successfully date women, men must practice basic social skills, at least enough to be able to make friends with most people.

Even if it’s with other men and women they’re not attracted to.

The social proof afforded to you from doing so will signal to women that you possess desirable characteristics that would make you safe, stable, likable, and a host of other positive traits. Not doing this is playing the game on hard mode.

I received an insightful comment about men who can’t find the motivation to learn such social skills:

It’s true. There are tons of men like this.

As someone who is naturally introverted, I totally get it.

I am very much romantically and sexually attracted to women. I feel a visceral desire to have them in my life. Having a romantic or sexual connection with them feels invigorating and fulfilling in ways that friendship could never replace.

Regular socialization, on the other hand, sometimes feels like a chore. It can be draining instead of invigorating. It’s easy for us introverts to slip into a general dislike of socialization.

Extroverts have the advantage of feeling something else, but that doesn’t mean we introverts have to always dislike socializing and meeting people.

A lot of activities that take energy can be very enjoyable. When it comes to “enjoying people” as the commenter above described, sometimes it just takes a couple of reframes. My reply:

Let’s assume you aren’t a narcissist because, if you are, I don’t know what to tell you.

If you’re just a normal introverted guy who might be slipping into a mentality of hating people, there’s still hope.

You can turn that around and actually start enjoying normal socialization. Just follow these steps:

1. Realize that you are probably judging people before giving them a chance to shine. It’s easy to assume that we make accurate initial judgments, but we usually don’t. It’s human nature to focus on the negative, but overcoming our worst natural inclinations is just part of maturity.
2. Next time you talk to someone, try to look for something you like about them before you give yourself a chance to find something you don’t like about them. Keep withholding judgment like this until it becomes a habit.
3. Think about how that other person’s characteristics, desires, hopes, fears, values, and motivations could be similar to your own. It helps if you don’t hate yourself.

Regarding that last point, you also need to like yourself to a reasonable (not narcissistic) degree. If you hate yourself, it’s going to be very challenging to not hate other people, too.

If you do hate yourself and don’t know how to get to a point of actually liking yourself, it’s a fundamental skill I cover with my clients to an extent, but the best and most comprehensive solution will be therapy for more complex cases.

The commenter’s response to my response further highlighted some common issues:

I certainly used to be one of those guys who would only attend social events if there were a chance of making romantic or sexual connections with women. It was because I felt desperate to fill a gaping hole of loneliness that could only be filled with feminine affection.

I learned the inherent value of socializing in the roundabout way of prioritizing it in order to make seduction easier, but I got there nonetheless.

I realized that socializing and community are very important for overall fulfillment and mental health.

Being social is in our genes. It’s a vital part of our species’ evolution. This is one aspect of our nature that is very unhealthy to neglect.

Surely I don’t have to insult your intelligence by citing all the well-known science of why it’s important for our physical and mental health to have robust friendships and community, right? It should be common sense by now.

Neglecting your social health at an early age will result in greater health consequences later in life, much like neglecting dental health at an early age. The older you get, the more you need to nurture all kinds of social connections.

Relying on just your girlfriend or wife for all your social needs is also a terrible idea.

Even if you have absolute faith that she will never leave you, you’re doing her a great disservice if you saddle her with that much emotional labor.

You should never expect one person to do the job of a community. And there are a lot more of those kinds of “jobs” than you might realize.

I never get upset if a woman puts me in the “friend zone.”

The chance to have a friendship has its own value, even if you mistakenly think that the only important thing in the world is getting laid.

And, even if you do think the only important thing in the world is getting laid, having more female friends definitely helps in achieving that goal:

“Why Are You Always Surrounded by Pretty Girls?”

Have you ever felt like you hated people? Why? Let me know your experiences in the comments!

—

This post was previously published on Write A Catalyst.