Something Something Something About Love

I wanted to write a piece about love. The best I had in my head about it was, “something something something about love.” Literally, that’s all I had in mind.

But when I sat down to write all the things about love, instead I began to focus on the one person who brings me those feelings, and why.

My spouse is a genderqueer person with they/them pronouns, but until they came out last year, we all used “he.” This leads to a lot of speculation about our marriage. Questions about their sexuality (which, btw, is completely different from gender identity, and both of those are different from one’s biological sex.) Interest in whether or not I knew. Rarely, but sometimes, concerns about “how it will affect the children.”

It’s not lost on me that none of those questions came up before they came out. No one wondered how my leaving the work force would affect my children. Not one person asked about our sexuality (because straight is assumed, right? But in fact, that’s a form of bi-erasure.) And nobody wondered if I knew he played so many video games, or was addicted to new phone cases, or if he knew I spend so much time writing before he married me.

So why does the idea that my spouse dresses as a man or woman depending on the occasion so stressful to so many people?

Some notes: gender norms are a social construct. That’s a simplification, but basically, we, as a society, decide what a person “should” look like, dress like, and act like. And I understand wanting to adhere to norms—if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have walked down the aisle in a big white dress to marry a handsome guy in a tuxedo. But it’s more important that society allows someone who doesn’t feel like they fit into one norm to expand into another (and that’s just simplifying it to a binary concept, when in fact, gender is also not binary.)

And I think how one labels oneself is up to them.

I recently came across a term I feel applies to me greatly. There have been many times when I wondered why people look outside their relationships for sexual stimulation, or why they find so many people other than their partners attractive. I also wondered, when I first discovered my spouse’s gender-fluidity, how I could find them as attractive as a woman as I do as a man. I’ve always considered myself completely heterosexual, and I worried that I would simply not be interested in my spouse if they presented differently. Imagine my surprise when I was as attracted to them in a hot red dress as I was in a sharp blue suit. It threw into question everything I knew about myself, and made me briefly question my own sexuality.

But then a friend mentioned a particular label. The word they came across was “demi-sexual,” and when I looked it up, I thought, yeah, that makes sense to me. The most basic definition of being demi-sexual is being sexually attracted to someone only after you’ve formed an emotional connection.

And I think how one labels oneself is up to them

I don’t identify as demi-sexual, though, despite the fact that it makes sense to everything I know about myself.

That’s not a label I need for myself, because it doesn’t change anything about me or bring out anything I need for others to understand. For my spouse, the label genderqueer made sense and allowed them to give a name (for themself and to others) rather than be questioned about their presentation on an ongoing basis (though, believe me, that still happens, too.) For me, labeling my sexuality wouldn’t really change anything and isn’t something I feel I need.

Which brings me back to that whole something something something love thing.

I’m always going to get those questions: “are they gay?”; “did you know?”; “how will it affect the children?” I’m going to answer these questions in a completely unsatisfactory way. Just like I don’t need a label, I don’t really need to answer these questions to make other people feel better about our love. We’re good.

Final note: All I can think of is the movie Ronin, which ended with “it was never about the briefcase,” after the entire movie was about chasing this stupid briefcase. You never find out what was in it. I’ve always hated that movie. But right now, I’m getting the idea. No one needs to know what’s in our briefcase. I’m just showing you that some people feel the need to chase it.

—

The story was previously published on The Good Men Project.

***

The Good Men Project gives people the insights, tools, and skills to survive, prosper and thrive in today’s changing world. A world that is changing faster than most people can keep up with that change. A world where jobs are changing, gender roles are changing, and stereotypes are being upended. A world that is growing more diverse and inclusive. A world where working towards equality will become a core competence. We’ve built a community of millions of people from around the globe who believe in this path forward. Thanks for joining The Good Men Project.