Sorry HR, but Please Don’t Send Me Your Narcissist to Coach

Dear HR,

Thank you for the referral for (insert name here) your (title) of (department). I understand that you are looking for coaching for (him/her) because of concerns about some of their behavior and the impact on their team.

I am sorry, but after an initial meeting with (insert name here), I am unwilling to take them on as a client. As a coach, I can only work with people who have a genuine interest in seeing their own blind spots, improving their awareness, and ultimately taking responsibility and doing their best to change. Unfortunately, I found a number of indications that this is not the journey (insert name here) is interested in, or possibly able, to undertake.

I understand that you would prefer to retain (insert name here), but I would encourage you to consider whether they are willing to authentically engage in a process of self-development or not. And failing this, whether their impact on the organization is worth it.

Sincerely, etc.

Ok, so I have never actually written this letter, but it is very much how I feel about the idea of coaching someone displaying a number of narcissistic tendencies. Bottom line: don’t send me this person! A) I can’t fix them; B) it would be unethical to take your money; and C) they scare me–and not because I am some weak-willed lacking in self-confidence coach. Because they are scary.

I feel like being asked to help a highly narcissistic manager, boss or employee change is like being asked to turn a snake into a kitten. It’s just not going to happen without a magic wand. And if I am brutally honest, keeping a snake around hoping it’s going to change its snake ways is, well, stupid.

Since I am a coach and not a psychologist or psychiatrist, I am definitely not going to assign a label or diagnosis to a potential client–and even those professionals are generally reluctant to do so without multiple therapy sessions. It can be difficult to pick up on narcissistic tendencies at first.

One tool I use to both discern and describe human toxicity is from the marvelous Dr. Ramani Durvasula (who gets many shout-outs in this blog because she deserves it). She says we never need to even use the term “narcissist.” Rather, we can focus on their behavior by using her C.R.A.V.E.D. model to understand and speak about them. C.R.A.V.E.D. stands for a person who is:

C = Conflictual: Do they seem to instigate and even thrive on conflict?

R = Rigid: Are they inflexible and unwilling to entertain others’ point of view? Do they have strict rules and expectations? Are they controlling?

A = Antagonistic: Do they start fights and pick at people?

V = Victim, Vulnerable and/or Vindictive: Do they have a woe is me story? Do they blame others for their misfortunes and characterize the world as unfair? And/or are they revengeful and out to “pay people back?”

E = Entitled: Do they seem to think the world owes them? Are they the greatest misunderstood genius every seen? Do they take advantage of people?

D = Dysregulated: Do they have difficulty managing their emotions and recovering from upset?

The more boxes you can check from the six aspects, the more likely they are to have high trait narcissism and therefor have a toxic impact on those around them. In other words, just being victim-y is not necessarily narcissistic. But add a few more letters and you have, perhaps, a snake in your organization or house.

You can use the language from C.R.A.V.E.D. to avoid stirring people up with the term “narcissist” (and Dr. Ramani explains how to do this well in her video, which I have linked above). Bottom line is that people with many C.R.A.V.E.D. aspects are very unlikely to change or have a positive impact. The more of a snake they are, the less likely any sort of intervention will turn them into a kitten. Or anything else.

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This post was previously published on But Now I Know Your Name and is republished on Medium.

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