My friend Rebecca is quite a bit younger than I am and has never been married. She’s attacked the dating scene and taken breaks from dating to work on herself, but she confessed to me the other day that she’s lonely, and wants to meet her future husband already. She wants to get going on planning her life, having babies, and quitting her job to take care of those kids.
When she meets a man, whether online or IRL, she always asks him what he does for a living, and if someone doesn’t have a “real job,” she filters him out. While we each have our preferences when it comes to dating, I think job title is low on the totem pole. Perhaps my different perspective is because I work (and plan to keep working). Perhaps it’s because I don’t plan to have children so I don’t need several million dollars saved up to take care of them. (Side note: Kids are expensive!)
Rebecca is a middle school teacher, with a decent — but not stellar — salary and she wants to end up with a man who makes enough money that she could quit her job and be a stay-at-home mom when they have kids. Understandable.
But she places the highest priority on his job title and earning potential, and often discounts factors like: How does she feel when she’s with him? Do they have shared values? Will he go to church with her each week since her faith is important to her? Are they on the same page when it comes to division of duties around the house?
While we were out to dinner one night, Rebecca was low-key flirting with our server, but when I asked her if she was going to give him her number, she shook her head. “Nah,” she said. “I’d never date a waiter.” She wrinkled her nose and puckered her lips like she’d just eaten a lemon.
“But what if this is just how he’s putting himself through grad school?” I asked. “You never know someone’s story until you get to know them.”
“Nah,” she repeated. “They have unpredictable hours and don’t make enough money.”
I understand the pitfalls of the unpredictable work schedule; I work in food service too, and when I was making — and plating — dessert for a NW regional restaurant, I never knew if I was going to be home at 10pm or 2am: It all depended on how busy we were. A schedule like this between a service industry insider and someone with a “normal” day job is difficult to maintain, and if you have small children, I can imagine how much more frustrating it would be to feel alone at home with a crying kiddo while your partner works long, irregular hours.
But I also know plenty of men with white-collar jobs who feel that their contribution to the family is in earning money to support them, and they expect their wives to take on the bulk of the parenting and household duties, regardless of whether the wife has additional work. I know plenty of men with high-powered jobs who feel increasingly pressured to dedicate themselves to their job and work long hours.
While a person’s job might indicate how much money they earn, it doesn’t indicate at all whether they are participatory in parenting, or whether they will pitch in to do household chores, or are a kind and attentive partner.
I hope Rebecca gets lucky and finds what she thinks she’s looking for. And I hope she realizes that a person’s job is a terrible benchmark for measuring up a potential mate.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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