Spending Too Much Time Together Can Destroy Your Relationship

After making my relationship official in just three days from meeting, my ex floated the idea of living together. She lived in New York. I resided in LA. Although skeptical at first, it was me who decided to make that idea a reality because it would be selfish of me to leave her living on her own — since she moved to California solely for me.

Being someone who’s never experienced much warmth and support, I found sharing a home with a partner to be wonderful and comforting. But as I suspected, conflicts soon arise. In fact, we had an enormous fight on the first night of moving in when she threatened to fly home. She packed half a suitcase before I begged her to stay. Of course, that was just one of her tactics.

The problems continued as we coexisted under the same roof. Arguments were more frequent, and the fights became more violent each time. The pandemic only expanded the rift. A year and a half later, we ended things on mutual terms.

The lesson is: no matter how much in love, you need time and space away from one another. Therefore, living together isn’t always an ideal decision.

Living together requires shared responsibilities

Living with your partner is an amazing experience. Until it’s not. Given the evolving gender roles, women are no longer expected to complete all the chores, nor are men assigned to be the sole breadwinners. The problem is, how do you disperse the proper responsibilities to both parties? Aside from societal norms, you also have to factor in the personnel because each couple is different.

My ex and I never found the balance because it turned into one of our core issues. I ended up taking care of both house bills and duties just to avoid constant arguments. It’s hard, especially when a relationship intertwines with money.

Minor problems magnify

Besides the tasks, living together also doesn’t allow the personal space required for a healthy relationship because you’re physically forced to face each other daily. Trivial details manifest into firecrackers. Next thing you know, you and your partner are screaming on top of your lungs over the toilet seat being up. Seeing someone too much creates a repelling effect. I love the way Eminem expressed it in his song ‘Love The Way You Lie’ when he said,

“You ever love somebody so much
You can barely breathe, when you’re with them, you meet
And neither one of you, even know what hit ‘em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling, yeah them chills, used to get ’em.
Now you’re getting fucking sick, of looking at ‘em”

Also, couples overreacting to small problems points to bigger, deeper issues in the relationship. It means that there are built-up tension and dissatisfaction underneath the surface.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder

A study revealed that couples in long-distance relationships report greater levels of intimacy and idealize their partners more. Being apart from your other half creates the space for you to miss them, to wonder about what they’re doing, and to remind yourself of the perks they bring into your life. It’s easy to overlook their value when you’re around them 24/7.

Old couples often reach a point where they get used to each other’s presence. Consider being absent from their lives a little more. Imagination is more beautiful than reality.

You two become interdependent

After a while, couples’ lives overlap, fitting each other into one another’s schedule. You no longer make plans that exclude them. Or one person revolves around the other and becomes codependent. It’s often unintentional. When you spend every minute of every day with someone, it’s natural to lose your own world.

Figure out the sweet spot between intimacy and privacy

There’s no formula for the amount of time you should spend with your partners. Everyone is different. Just be aware that when you start feeling the combination of boredom, dependence, and frustration, it may be time to pull back a little.

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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