Even though I’ve co-authored a book entitled “How To Stand Up To Sexism”, the reality is, it’s not always possible. In the book, we emphasize that it’s all about context and there’s no ‘right way’ to deal with sexism; what works for one woman isn’t suitable for someone else. Women often need to take personal, family or job security into consideration, all of which can be at risk when the inevitable backlash arises. This backlash can come in many forms but it usually has the effect of silencing women completely for fear of the results.
Take the woman who recently told me about a domestic problem she’d spent weeks trying to get resolved. When the workman finally showed up, her partner happened to be home, so he dealt with things while she worked. Not only did the workman thank her partner for his patience, he remarked (in front of her) that she had been ‘antsy’ in his dealings with her.
“I would have lost my s*** with him”, I hear you say. Apart from the fact that such sexism often leaves us momentarily gob-smacked, or just worn down, the reality is that this sexist pig has to come back to the home next month when she will be on her own. Additionally, she can’t fire the company because of contractual obligations in her building, but even if she could, that’s another three to four weeks of waiting for the problem to be rectified.
It’s the same with car salesmen who talk down to women or talk to the husband. You might think it’d pretty easy to turn around and find another dealership, but what if you’ve done all the research, chosen ‘your’ car, and have been offered a great price? In this case, you can probably stomach the sexism until the papers are signed and then register your complaint. Yes, they got your money but perhaps when you spread the word about their treatment of women, they might not see too many of your friends walking through the door.
Although I encourage women to step out of their comfort zones and put themselves first once in a while, real life doesn’t always make it easy, and I don’t want them feeling bad if they don’t or can’t call sexism out.
While there’s nothing snowflakey about taking a stand, there’s also nothing weak about reading the room. There’s a huge difference between asking a co-worker to use your name instead of “sweetheart”, and telling some rando who’s following you down the street to “F*** off”.
But wait — Here’s one situation where we might be able to find the middle ground between silence and safety. The Mayor of London recently put out a video encouraging men to be active bystanders when their mates are harassing women. “Have a word with yourself, then with your mates” shows a wannabee ally, Jacob, steeling himself to stop his friend from harassing a young woman on her own.
Most women will recognise this situation; we’re damned if we do, and damned if we don’t. Say something, that is. The main guy isn’t interested in the woman at all — despite what he says about trying to get her to engage. It’s all a power play to him as well as (he thinks) showing off to his friends.
Or to quote the excellent Graham Goulden in a Twitter discussion we had on the subject —
But what if we appeal to the guy who looks like he knows wrong when he sees it? “Can you get your friend to leave me alone?” or “Can you get him to stop?” might just be the catalyst he needs to jump in. It could be a win-win for both the target and the bystander here, and as we see in the video, it doesn’t have to cause a fight or blow up the friendship either. To refer to Goulden’s point above, a non-threatening word from the friend could allow the harasser to walk away without losing too much face as well.
While I vehemently maintain that women shouldn’t bear the burden of preventing sexism and harassment, (assuming we even could), I also hear lots of women feeling powerless in these situations and wishing later that they could have found their voice. Because of this, I’m always on the lookout for ways in which they can maintain some of the control they’d otherwise feel they lose. Being the target of harassment, and then berating yourself for what you didn’t say or do, is a double whammy. It can stay with you for a long time.
I also agree that the work to be done is with the guys who harass women and those who stand by and let it happen (and thus, are part of the problem), but we can’t forget women while this is happening. Education and culture change are huge tasks and take a long time; meanwhile life goes on for the women in question. While we’re working with men, women still need to be able to deal with these situations because they won’t stop overnight.
As always, as a woman, if you don’t think an appeal to the friend would be successful or safe, say nothing. Your safety is your number one priority, so don’t beat yourself up later for your silence.
As the “Stop Street Harassment” people say —
There is no overall “best” way to respond to every harasser in every circumstance, and the harassed person is the only ones who can determine what the best way is for them to respond in any given incident so they will feel both safe and empowered. The more informed they are about options for responding, the better they can be at making that decision.
Women need options, and like silence, appealing to a potential ally is yet another option when you find yourself being harassed. So if you’re unfortunate enough to find yourself in this situation, see if there’s a Jacob in the crowd. He just might respond to your cue.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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