My daughter doesn’t like it when I use the term “starter marriages,” and I understand why.
I grew up learning that marriage was for life ~like a goose or penguin choosing one mate for the rest of their days. Mother Nature made it easy for the animal kingdom.
Primal instincts might impact how humans navigate the realm of intimacy; however, when it comes to domestic partnerships, marriage, and such, it’s much more complicated.
Although the divorce rate is dropping in the United States, that number is influenced by the lower rate of people getting married. Marriage seems to have a branding issue in 2021, but there is a better way to look at it.
A starter marriage teaches you what you want and don’t want. Most of us are in our twenties when we march down the aisle with doe-eyed expectations.
We aren’t even at the peak of our emotional maturity, so we need to give ourselves a chance to realize it’s an experience about growth and learning.
I do believe that there are many wonderful marriages that have grown together and are flourishing. They’ve weathered the storms, and created a loving partnership. However, for the sake of the newest generation entering into this realm, there is no need to spend a lifetime in remorse.
Here’s what you can expect to learn in your ‘starter marriage,’ and some things to consider.
Building Relationship Skills
Starter marriages can teach you a lot about how you navigate relationships and the world. Every relationship will teach you how well you work with each other, lift each other up, or tear each other down.
Co-habitating with someone may open up Pandora’s box, unloading many childhood misconceptions of the world. However, this is the time to explore what may be holding you back.
You may say ‘they’ triggered you. Umhmm. It’s easy to blame someone else, but as a young adult, it’s time to look closer at those ‘triggers.’
Did the trigger occur due to a need to be right, heard, or even loved? This is for another discussion, but starter marriages are a great place to learn more about how and why you do what you do. Triggers may be from trauma that haven’t been addressed, so this can give you a chance to finally work on the root causation of the triggers to release them.
Old Belief Systems Getting In The Way
I realized my marriage was a training ground for future relationships when I contemplated ending it.
I put into practice what I learned about marriage from my parents but soon realized these principles were not serving me well. A family member gave me some archaic advice I wish I had never pondered.
“Catholics don’t divorce,” and “marriage is hard work.”
Sure, I believe in giving your best efforts toward something meaningful, but not to the point of sacrificing your happiness and emotional and physical well being.
I think everyone should learn about a traditional religion to help you gain insight and tolerance of those who practice other Faiths. Religion can bring solace and a sense of tradition and connection to a tribe of similar beliefs.
However, if you are sacrificing your mental health, it’s time to reconsider.
You could also be experiencing the confines of a cultural belief that might not work for you in your situation. I’ve had several LGBTQ+ friends deal with the fact that their orientation wasn’t accepted by their family, which caused disharmony in their relationships and their life in general.
The need to feel accepted is a primary human need. However, building a relationship that supports you is more important than forcing a connection with family that may be detrimental to your health and well being.
Unrealistic Expectations Of A Spouse
A starter marriage will help you discern healthy expectations of your partner and which expectations create issues.
Many relationships start with the expectation that the other person should change to fit your narrative or comfort level when discomfort occurs. This is a recipe set for disaster.
When discord happens, the best thing to do is work on how you respond to it. It sounds simple, but often we are triggered by an old belief system, and we respond accordingly.
Finding the root cause of your discomfort should be first on the list to ‘fix.’ Then, you can properly communicate your needs without blaming the other person’s behavior for your unhappiness. It may be as simple as stating how it made you feel, giving the other person a chance to rectify any poor choices or selfishness.
Expecting your spouse to predict your needs and wants is more for experienced companions. Age does make this a factor. It takes time to learn how to give to others without expecting anything back. Mutual respect in relationships takes practice and time if it’s not second nature.
Expecting a twenty-something to anticipate the needs of their spouse/partner is like asking a monk to understand the intricacies of sex. It takes practice and time to do both well.
The Complexities of Communication
Communicating your needs or wants can help a willing partner learn how to navigate challenging times.
A red flag would be when a partner closes off doors of communication. Resistance or the inability to change perspectives will be an uphill battle. If they are unable to negotiate, show them the door.
A loving partner will understand that they have to learn and grow, just as much as you have to learn about both your needs and wants. It is a ‘give/give’ situation where no one is number one, but both are winners.
Communicating with each other is crucial to the growth of your relationship. Many people need time to process information to make a better decision, so setting up a time to discuss misgivings and rectify the situation is essential for communication and the connection to succeed.
Also, it may be helpful to discuss with your partner who is responsible for which jobs around the home can help create a win-win approach to your partnership where expectations are spelled out.
. . .
All marriages are a dance of two hearts and Souls making a connection. The relationship could be meant for only a short time or life. It’s alright to recognize that it may have run its course, and learning what you needed to make you better people, and will make you better for it.
You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you’ll discover will be beautiful. What you’ll discover is yourself. ~Alan Alda
If you’re curious and having thoughts about getting out of your marriage safely and with grace, I’ll be sharing more on how to set a plan, get ready, and move on.
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This post was previously published on Change Becomes You.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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