Staying Sane During the Texting Phase

Ask Wendy: Dating, Sex & Relationship Advice for the Bold

Hey Wendy,

Online dating sucks. I’ve been texting a guy who reached out to me. We had fun, teasing texts earlier in the week, with mentions of possibly getting together for a quick drink and hello on Thursday. Well, time passes with no word from him after Tuesday. Finally, at 5:00 PM Thursday, he texts me like no time has passed. I’m cranky.

I really hate feeling ignored, and yet I know I’ve never met him, and he’s not in love with me, and, aside from all that, he’s leading a busy life. What’s reasonable to expect during the texting phase?

Stephanie E.

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Hey Stephanie,

I vote for changing the term “online dating” to “online connecting.”

You’re not dating online; you’re accessing people you wouldn’t normally run into in your world. The dating part happens in cafes, restaurants, parks, and bowling alleys — not online.

Good job trying to make something happen soon.

And you have every right to be irked; I know I would be if someone said, “Let’s meet Thursday,” and then didn’t make a plan to follow through.

So, for next time, you could 1) Text Wednesday night and say, “Hey, what’s the plan for tomorrow?” or 2) Wait, watch, and see how much effort he puts into making something real happen with you.

Reasonable Texting Expectations:

To stay happy and sane as an online dater, try holding zero expectations until you’ve met your connection face to face.

If you haven’t met someone, you can’t trust them for anything.

This might sound cynical, but it’s worth doing: Train a tiny part of your brain to think, “this could be a twelve-year-old girl texting,” because hey, that’s plausible.

Or you might be sending sexy texts to a guy twice your age who has no intention of ever meeting you but is lonely and bored in his marriage. This is as plausible as him being the awesome, busy guy he bills himself to be.

And… even if he is exactly as he appears on his profile, you’ve now gained new information about him in the data collection process: He’s flaky. He’s a little bit disrespectful. And he isn’t forthright after he’s missed a timeline.

I need someone with really high integrity (and I want that for you too). So if it were up to me, I’d throw this fish back into the sea.

Better luck next time, and happy dating.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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