Stop Avoiding Hard Conversations in Relationships

Are you holding back to avoid the inevitable?

For just about my entire life I have been a conflict avoider. Having any type of hard conversations was always a cause of major anxiety for me. I would rather do literally anything else than have a tough conversation that could potentially induce conflict.

One of my first tests of being forced to have a hard conversation was a few days before I was getting married.

It all started when a few months earlier, my soon-to-be husband had let his brother move into the apartment we were going to be living in together once we were married. His brother was having a phase of being jobless, ambition-less, and just overall depressed living with his parents in a rural area with few job opportunities.

My fiancé wanted to help him out and get him back on his feet again which I was very supportive of. His brother was planning to look for employment in our city which had many more employment opportunities.

Well, days turned into months, and the brother was not exactly busting his hump trying to find a job. He was basically living there for free, paying no bills, sleeping most of the day, then wanting to go out at night, have fun and drink. Never mind the fact the place was a mess and he didn’t even try to help out with keeping it neat and clean.

His brother was making zero effort to do much of anything. It felt like we were living in the Reality Bites movie, just not as humorous when it’s your real life. While my fiancé and I were working long hours and building our career, little bro was kicking back and living his best life, all for free.

I tried not to say much and let my fiancé deal with him. After all, it was his brother and I was trying to endear myself to my new family.

Fast-forward to about a week before our wedding and the brother tells me “Oh don’t worry I’ll watch your apartment while you guys are on your honeymoon and I’ll be here to see you when you get back.”

The original deal was that the brother was supposed to find a job and move out on his own. But apparently, his brother decided that living with us was going to be his permanent residence, even after we were married and living together.

My fiancé didn’t seem to care all that much and didn’t seem to want to do anything about it.

The apartment itself was very small and 3 would definitely be a crowd. I did not want to start my newly married life off living with my fiancé and his brother right on top of us, who basically still functioned like an immature frat boy.

I much as I dreaded it, as I dreaded all hard conversations and conflicts, I had to have the hard discussion with my fiancé. I was super nervous but I knew in my heart I could not live this way. I knew if I just went along with it I would be resentful and bitter. I did not want to be that way as a newlywed.

I talked to my fiancé telling him in no uncertain terms that his brother needed to be out and figure out his living situation. I would be willing to give him up to a month after we got married for him to find a new place to live but that was it. I don’t like giving ultimatums but the underlying message was that this was my line in the sand.

I was super worried my fiancé was going to be angry, tell me I was heartless, and that the wedding was off, my absolute worst fear, but thankfully he understood where I was coming from and told little bro the deal.

By the time we returned from our honeymoon, he was gone.

Why do we avoid the hard conversations when we know they are vital and necessary for our relationships?

Hard conversations can be especially problematic for those of us who are too nice and tend to be people-pleasers. We don’t want to rock the boat. Like ever!

We rationalize to ourselves thinking, “All right, well, if I just give them some more time and more space they will come around eventually. I don’t want to be a nag, then they will be angry and upset with me.”

This always blows up in our face. Every. Single. Time.

…

There are a number of well-known dating coaches who advise their followers to wait at least a few months before having a conversation, usually with the man, if they want to be in an exclusive relationship.

I suppose this is due to fact that you don’t want to scare the person away.

But if someone genuinely does not want that type of commitment, I am not sure they are going to magically change their mind in a few months.

Why would you want to waste several months of your time with this person if it’s not going to happen? Your time would have been much better spent finding someone who is serious about a long-term relationship. If they get scared away when asked about commitment, it is probably for the best to find this out earlier anyway.

The same goes for marriage. And having children. While it may be very premature to ask someone on the first date or so if marriage and children are something that they want in their future, waiting a year or more to have this hard conversation may not be ideal. At that point, you could be finding out for the first time that this person has no intention of ever getting married or having kids and there goes a year of your life you’re never getting back. Now you get to start all over again, back into the dating game. Only with more frustration this time around.

What are the consequences of avoiding hard conversations?

Staying in a situationship that is going nowhere and never getting the commitment you wanted in an exclusive relationship
Not getting married, your life long dream
Missing your window of opportunity to have children and a family while your bio clock ticks on
Building up resentment and anger with your partner or spouse until you finally blow up, saying many hurtful things you now regret and cannot take back
Wasting your time in the wrong relationship with the wrong person

Avoiding hard conversations forces us to keep our true feelings to ourselves and ignore our own needs and desires. Eventually, if we allow our feelings and emotions to build up without having the tough discussion, our feelings will come to the surface and it may not be in the most healthy way.

If you need to have a hard conversation in your relationship and want to make to easier on yourself to have, write a brief script or talking points of what you want to say. You could also do a mini practice run in your head or out loud so you’re ready. It will probably not go as badly as you are anticipating.

Have you had to have a hard conversation you didn’t want to have?

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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